Hope

My new obsession: Pandora

I've created several radio stations, but my favorite - even more than Brandi Carlile and Jack Johnson - is my Jason Wade station. I love that I just have to enter in my artist of choice and Pandora finds other similar artists... If there is ever a "sound" that is mine, it's this one.  It defines my mood, and helps me to retreat into my thoughts and sort through all the craziness in my head.

Candles lit, the fresh evening chill caressing my shoulders through the open windows, a little inspiration by way of Merlot.... and the sounds of the silence that has finally fallen in my 3-year old's bedroom....

Stillness. 

I got to thinking about the relationship between the way I deal with my toddler now and  how his little soul develops. It sort of naturally led into thinking about the relationship I have with my mother.

Not feeling the need to rehash all of that, the thought I keep coming back to is how one day, something just clicked (thanks to a story and some great advice from my friend Catherine, who, by the way, is coming to visit me next weekend). I finally realized that she is not and never will be the mother I either want or need her to be. She just simply isn't capable. And then I thought... wow... She's just so... broken.  (Aren't we all in our own way?) And then I thought, ya know... Jesus loves her regardless. She is God's child just like you and me.

When I finally got that, it just opened up a whole new meaning of hope to me.  Do I think she'll ever change? Not likely. I mentioned this in a previous post, but I had to mourn the loss of my mother - in a very similar way as if she had passed. Once I mourned her loss, letting go of my idea of who she should be, I was able to see her. I mean, really see her in the same light that God sees her. 

She is broken. There is no question about that. She's bitter. She's deeply sad and troubled. I don't believe for one second that she wanted to be this way. (Who would?) Life's circumstances helped form this in her. Sure, she has a choice in this, but... ya know, when someone is that broken, it almost becomes a place of comfort. It's too far out of their realm of possibility that life could be any different. Why risk reaching for something different when you've basically been taught that you're a big piece of crap your whole life?

Wanna know the Good News?

There's hope that she will one day see Jesus, who clearly has been pursuing her for several years.

Hope.

The hope that maybe someday we can be mother and daughter. The hope that she will one day experience the freedom that Christ offers so freely.  The hope that maybe she'll finally feel loved and accepted, unconditionally.  The hope that she'll experience joy.  The hope that one day, the chains will be gone, she's been set free! Hallelujah! (Oh, Dear Lord, I pray may it be so!)

Is there any greater hope than the hope that is in Jesus? The hope of a life everlasting... The hope of living in the Kingdom - not just in Heaven in some afterlife, but here on earth.

Here.

Now.

Today.

Forever.

It matters not your circumstances, your brokenness, pain, sorrow, addictions, guilt, oppression. Christ offers hope. Hope in His promises. Hope in His Holy Word. Hope in His justice. Hope in His tenderness. Hope in His steadfastness.  Hope in walking in His footsteps.

Out of hope, I believe, joy naturally follows.  Praise God that I learned (and continue to learn) this lesson. Had it not been for hope, I would never have made it this far. (These last couple of years were doozies.) But in the midst of the chaos and uncertainty, there was the hope that Jesus would show up. You (I) get to the point where you just live expectantly. As if Jesus just does show up... That's the Kingdom, folks. Here for the taking. A free gift.

A gift of hope.