A season of quiet reflection

To tag on to my last post....  This is the reason I've entered into a season of quiet reflection. I figured, rather than trying of my own accord to make sense out of these last couple of years, I would just slip quietly into a season of co-laboring with my Creator. Really, this means a lot of inward (and upward... or downward depending on your position) focus. Who am I? Who am I becoming? How is God using me? Am I open to being used in this way?


My hope, of course, is that I am becoming more of who Jesus created me to be. So it isn't enough to be self-aware. That's a great start, but that's when the real work begins. If, for example, my words cause distance, it's not enough that I just acknowledge it, and, say, accept it. Certainly, that would not be honoring to God. Rather, I want to not just honor God with my words, but honor others, as well. Scripture is loaded with verses regarding our tongues. Why do you suppose that is?


Regardless of whether I meant what was written in the manner in which it was understood by others isn't necessarily the point. No matter how something was written, it will always be open for interpretation - either correctly or incorrectly. It doesn't matter if what I wrote was in a time of heartache and sadness, but it was interpretted as condemnation and criticism.  (Interpretation is obvious in the way we hear others apply scripture. I'm quite certain that God did not intend the meaning of His words to be twisted and ruined as they so often have been.)


Recently, I just felt God nudging me to draw closer to Him. I've often found my worth in what others think about me. I don't want to care about such things, but the truth is, I'm human. (I know. Scary, right?) But isn't that a big fat lie of the enemy? I mean, not about being human, but about finding our worth outside of Jesus? So, rather than worrying about how many friends I have, or what people really think of me, I'm trying to believe what God says about who I am. Life, after all, is not a popularity contest. This is just one more layer that I must peel away and give to Him if I want to continue to grow.


See... these past couple of years have really been about trust. Do I trust God? Do I believe He is who He says He is? Am I really willing to take up my cross and follow Him? Am I willing to give up everything for Him? I was willing to release my baby to Him when He asked... but am I willing to release myself to Him? (Now, I don't mean that in a "Don't take me, take my baby" sort of way. Any parent would sacrifice themselves to spare their child. That's not even a question in my mind.) What I mean is, do I trust Him enough to give up all those things that we all hold on to because they are familiar and comfortable - chalk it up to a crappy childhood or broken hearts or whatever - because it's easier to sit back and say, "Either way, God loves me" than it is to do the hard work of being a student of Jesus? That means, trusting Him enough to take the driver's seat and relinquishing all of that crap to Him so He can make it all beautiful - the way He intended. We muck up our lives quite a bit. And He's willing to unmuck it if we let Him.


So, I'm letting Him.


And time after time I'm learning that I really can trust Him. Our experience hasn't proved any different. 


Side note. I find it kind of funny that I can trust Jesus with my marriage, my children, our home, our tummies, our bank account, etc., but it's hard for me to trust Him with my thoughts....  Seems kind of backwards to me.


I'm open to new relationships - and mending broken relationships - but it seems that with all of my efforts, I'm sinking faster than if I had just left well enough alone. (I'm learning that sometimes fewer words really are best. Imagine that!) So, I'm focusing on developing those relationships with people who desire the same, rather than chasing after people who really don't care to engage with me in that way - either now or later. Sure, I'm still lonely. Yes, I still long for meaningful relationships with others - particularly those who are close in age and are in a similar stage of life (i.e., have children around the same age as mine, etc.). Of course, I want to feel a sense of belonging in a community.  And I sorely miss the communities I once enjoyed in other parts of the world. But... God has us here for a purpose. For HIS purpose. I need to remember that. It isn't about me. It isn't even about "them" (i.e., you, whoever you are). It's about Jesus.  I believe the relationships I desire will come in time. I have to give them the room to materialize. Nothing good comes from force.


The good news is this season has been an incredible journey! God has been so faithful, our burden has been so light and Jesus' yoke has been so easy - just as He promised.  It feels as though I've been sitting on my Daddy's lap and He has been whispering sweet wisdoms into my life. And all along I just cling to his pant leg and walk in His steps.


So, as I said once before here and here and here, I am surrendered, commited and open to what God has in store for me - for my beloved husband - for my family - no matter what darkness and stink I have to go through. I'll follow Jesus anywhere.


And that's the truth.


Ppppbbbbtttthhh




Anyway, all this to say, I've unplugged a bit. You may have noticed that I disabled my Facebook wall (except for my family and closest friends). This is primarily because I don't want anything I might post to be taken out of context, so I'm just keeping my life private for the moment. I haven't initiated any social contact - although I've been receptive to others. I've been going to work and coming home. I've felt like this is a time for me to just listen, observe and learn; not whine and complain about not getting something I think I deserve.