The value of a friend

Greater love has no one than this, than to lay down one’s life for his friends.

John 15:13

Friends. They're few and far between. 

I miss this friend:

Michelle & me out for a day of pampering
just a few days before I left Oregon.

And this friend:

Melissa & me - my best friend
from Montana

And this friend:



Heather & me - my friend of 35 years
(since I was 2 years old)



And these friends:



Our Friday Night Bible Study (aka "BS")
Dale & Susan, Dave & Karen, Wes & Mickey
Fridays just aren't the same without them.

These are just a few of the precious few who I allow into the inner-inner-me. (Others of you... far away and local... you know who you are.)

These are (some of) the people I trust with all my pieces - some whole, some tattered and broken, some healed but scarred. These are the people who know my junk, and yet still find me somewhat lovable. They don't judge. They don't condemn. They don't get angry when I disagree. They challenge and stretch me. (Proverbs 27:17: "As iron sharpens iron, So a man sharpens the countenance of his friend.")  They sometimes have to strain to understand me. They encourage and support me. They laugh with me (and sometimes at me). They've shared my pain, my joy, my sorrow, my guilt, my disappointment, my excitement...  They've prayed with me, and prayed for me when I didn't have the strength. They've kicked me in the pants when I was feeling sorry for myself. They've been through the trenches with me. (Proverbs 17:17: "A friend loves at all times, And a brother is born for adversity.")

They've seen me at my best.

They've seen me at my worst.

They've given me room to find my way, and allowed me to hold on to their belt loops when I've lost my way. When I've hurt them, they accepted my apology. If I ask for their feedback (and sometimes when I don't), they are honest with me (sometimes brutally so). (Proverbs 27:6: "Faithful are the wounds of a friend, But the kisses of an enemy are deceitful.")  If they were angry with me, they didn't spew my secrets out of spite.  (Proverbs 17:9: "He who covers a transgression seeks love, But he who repeats a matter separates friends.") 

They never required me to fit a certain mold. They require nothing. 

They know me.

Beautiful, beautiful friendship. 

I'm sorry to say, there have been times in my life when I haven't been such a good friend. In some cases, the friendship deepened. In some cases, I was left in the dust. I probably deserved that. And there have been times when I wasn't healthy enough in my own skin to be much of a friend. Either way, I'm grateful for the journey. It's another life lesson that makes us all the more wise.

I have lost a lot of "friends" in my life - especially the last 3 or 4 years. (Maybe due to one of the reasons I mentioned above.) I've had to learn to be much more discerning with whom I share my life. One thing I can tell you is without my friends (my "Willage"), I'd be a miserable, lonely person. I need the community, the fellowship, the accountability.

I don't take friendships lightly.

I'm incredibly grateful for the friends I have. They are few and far between.

So, forgive me if I'm cautious. I just tread lightly these days.

And if I share my life with you, it's because I trust you. Please don't misuse that.

God created us to be in communion with one another - and with Him. We weren't meant to go through life alone. Luckily, there's a Friend closer than a brother. I can tell you from experience, any earthly friendship pales in comparison. 

You are My friends if you do whatever I command you.

John 15:14

I believe what I believe

My eyes are burning! I can't tell if it's due to lack of sleep... or an abundance of emotion... or... the smog-smuggered sky ("The Lorax").


On Monday this week, I took a step of obedience and put in my resignation at the church. I've been here for almost exactly 3 years.... My last day is scheduled for June 4th (3 weeks).


I've been asked a few times now how I feel about it. The short answer is, "I feel good!" I know with all certaintly that this is what God was asking of me.

The longer answer is much more complicated. Unfortunately, it doesn't fit neatly into a God-shaped box, because as we all (hopefully) have learned, God doesn't like to be in a box. And just when we think we've found a box big enough to put Him into it, He shows us another piece of Himself that doesn't quite fit in there. And He isn't like clothes. You can't stamp or stomp or push or shove or cram Him enough to make Him fit.

I mentioned in several posts that God is up to something. We've known it for quite some time now. We've felt the ground beneath us begin to shake a little which was a sign to us that He was on the move. Unfortunately, we haven't had the privilege of knowing exactly how that will play out. What I do know is that for the last 4+ months or so (basically since the news that Scott lost his job, although, if I'm being honest, it was a few weeks prior to that) God asked us to enter into a special season of trust. His plan began to unfold just a tad, little by little. So that by the time we heard that Scott's position was being eliminated, we thought, "Well now... Isn't this interesting." (That story is here.) We both felt that God was asking us to completely unplug from pretty much everything. We stopped going to Bible Study... We didn't plan anything social. We didn't even attend church (except maybe twice). We just went into a time of focused prayer. Just us and God. Part of that was out of necessity... I mean, all we really had left was each other and Jesus. And part of that was out of desire to see God's Kingdom unfold - something we always talk about, and something that is so cliché in Christian circles, but isn't really lived out like we mean it (or that it was meant to be).


God presented us with a door... And we entered.


The last few months have been a rollercoaster, to say the least. Only a few people know the details of what has been happening, and even fewer have prayed with us and for us, and faithfully (and dutifully) invoked the power of God on our behalf.

I've been thinking about this a lot these last few days as I knew I would be turning in my resignation, and I knew the questions would come about where we are headed, what's next, etc. I knew that we weren't going to be sharing much, but I was really curious why. I didn't want our not sharing to be out of personal vendetta. So I asked God why...


Now, I don't know if you do this. But sometimes when you ask God a question, do you ever say to yourself, "I shouldn't ask that" for fear of the answer? Well... as you probably well know, my stupid mouth gets me in trouble all the time. And that was pretty much God's answer. He told me, in no uncertain terms, that He just needs me to SHUT UP long enough for Him to finish what He started.


Ouch. Really? Shut up? God, I don't think that's appropriate. Just sayin'.

Ok... yes it is. And the reason why is because I'm the kind of person that likes to (perhaps needs to) talk about everything constantly.... (I know, you're shocked, right?) And what God has shown me is that all that talkin' and all the comments that brings from others is a huge distraction for me. It makes me focus on others... on myself... on anything but God. And when He wants to do something radical, sometimes He just wants the focus on Him - not to mention all the glory going to Him. So, He simply asked Scott (and demanded me) to focus on Him, keep our mouths shut and allow Him to do what He does so well. We were (and will continue to be) very discerning about who we let into this part of our lives right now. We chose people whom we know to be wise and trustworthy servants, who could go to the cross on our behalf, seek God's will for us, and provide godly counsel, encouragement, affirmation, and accountability. (You know who you are! THANK YOU!)


He hasn't yet released us from this season. So there still isn't much we'll share about where God is taking us or what our next steps are. What I can say is that much of that is still unknown. We are still in very uncertain times. But one thing is for certain. God is providing for us. He is meeting our needs. He is giving us the desires of our hearts. And He is blessing us beyond measure.

Our prayer for the last year almost has been from Matthew 6:25-34:

"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?


"And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? So do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."

It's so easy to worry... Worry about money. Worry about how we'll make our mortgage payment. Worry about how we'll afford healthcare for a toddler who has incessant ear troubles, for a newborn baby whose health is still forming, for a husband and father who has high blood pressure that must be medicated, and (now) for a wife and mom who needs thyroid medication... Worry about how we'll sell our house. Worry about jobs. Worry about being loved and accepted... Worry worry worry. But... God tells us not to worry. Why? Because He loves us and will take care of us if we seek Him.

The part that really gets me is the "O you of little faith." Seriously... I don't ever want to be one of those people.


I'm suddenly reminded of Bill Engvall's bit on stupid signs... Specifically the one when he's talking about hemorrhoids and reading the directions on a tube of Preparation H. (Basically, he's making a joke about how the directions say where to apply the cream... as if you needed directions for that.) He said, "Dear Preparation H, I ate this whole dang tube, I still have these hemorrhoids. Man my mouth's so small... I cant even eat a jelly bean anymore. But I can whistle really good..."

How is this relevant? I have no idea. But here's the connection I made in my head (cuz this is how I roll, like it or not). "Man, my faith's so small...." It all goes back to putting God in a box. I don't like to put Him in a box, because He doesn't a) like to be in a box; and 2) belong in a box. But if I don't put Him in a box, shouldn't my faith be much bigger? (You should be nodding your head right now.) YES! It should be bigger.


And so... just like the old Onceler in The Lorax, I'm figgering on biggering and biggering and BIGGERING and BIGGERING my faith.

There's so much more to it, but I'm pretty much spent for the moment. What I want to leave you with is this. God has us on a wonderful journey of faith biggering. His Kingdom is being rolled out before us on a red carpet and it has been so fun and exciting (and painful) to walk so closely with Him during this season. I (we) will never, ever be the same. (Thank God for that!) And while there are no guarantees for our immediate future, and we've had to take steps of faith - anticipating that God will meet our needs in the coming weeks and months - we are completely at peace, full of hope and joy, and resting under the wings of the Almighty God, maker of Heaven and Earth!


If you're reading this and you haven't been one of the chosen few who know the ins and outs of the Matkovich family over the last several months, don't take it personally. Just rejoice with us in the good work that the Lord is doing! This season is not about us. It's about HIM. As we focus on Him, I pray that this, too, would be your story.


"It is the very truth of God and not the invention of man." Thank you, Third Day, for those lyrics.


Regarding my resignation, it is with a pure, joyful, happy, hopeful heart that I step down from my position. There is no bitterness, anger or resentment. The last three years have been a blessing to me and my family. God is just changing our path and we are determined to follow Him.

A season of quiet reflection

To tag on to my last post....  This is the reason I've entered into a season of quiet reflection. I figured, rather than trying of my own accord to make sense out of these last couple of years, I would just slip quietly into a season of co-laboring with my Creator. Really, this means a lot of inward (and upward... or downward depending on your position) focus. Who am I? Who am I becoming? How is God using me? Am I open to being used in this way?


My hope, of course, is that I am becoming more of who Jesus created me to be. So it isn't enough to be self-aware. That's a great start, but that's when the real work begins. If, for example, my words cause distance, it's not enough that I just acknowledge it, and, say, accept it. Certainly, that would not be honoring to God. Rather, I want to not just honor God with my words, but honor others, as well. Scripture is loaded with verses regarding our tongues. Why do you suppose that is?


Regardless of whether I meant what was written in the manner in which it was understood by others isn't necessarily the point. No matter how something was written, it will always be open for interpretation - either correctly or incorrectly. It doesn't matter if what I wrote was in a time of heartache and sadness, but it was interpretted as condemnation and criticism.  (Interpretation is obvious in the way we hear others apply scripture. I'm quite certain that God did not intend the meaning of His words to be twisted and ruined as they so often have been.)


Recently, I just felt God nudging me to draw closer to Him. I've often found my worth in what others think about me. I don't want to care about such things, but the truth is, I'm human. (I know. Scary, right?) But isn't that a big fat lie of the enemy? I mean, not about being human, but about finding our worth outside of Jesus? So, rather than worrying about how many friends I have, or what people really think of me, I'm trying to believe what God says about who I am. Life, after all, is not a popularity contest. This is just one more layer that I must peel away and give to Him if I want to continue to grow.


See... these past couple of years have really been about trust. Do I trust God? Do I believe He is who He says He is? Am I really willing to take up my cross and follow Him? Am I willing to give up everything for Him? I was willing to release my baby to Him when He asked... but am I willing to release myself to Him? (Now, I don't mean that in a "Don't take me, take my baby" sort of way. Any parent would sacrifice themselves to spare their child. That's not even a question in my mind.) What I mean is, do I trust Him enough to give up all those things that we all hold on to because they are familiar and comfortable - chalk it up to a crappy childhood or broken hearts or whatever - because it's easier to sit back and say, "Either way, God loves me" than it is to do the hard work of being a student of Jesus? That means, trusting Him enough to take the driver's seat and relinquishing all of that crap to Him so He can make it all beautiful - the way He intended. We muck up our lives quite a bit. And He's willing to unmuck it if we let Him.


So, I'm letting Him.


And time after time I'm learning that I really can trust Him. Our experience hasn't proved any different. 


Side note. I find it kind of funny that I can trust Jesus with my marriage, my children, our home, our tummies, our bank account, etc., but it's hard for me to trust Him with my thoughts....  Seems kind of backwards to me.


I'm open to new relationships - and mending broken relationships - but it seems that with all of my efforts, I'm sinking faster than if I had just left well enough alone. (I'm learning that sometimes fewer words really are best. Imagine that!) So, I'm focusing on developing those relationships with people who desire the same, rather than chasing after people who really don't care to engage with me in that way - either now or later. Sure, I'm still lonely. Yes, I still long for meaningful relationships with others - particularly those who are close in age and are in a similar stage of life (i.e., have children around the same age as mine, etc.). Of course, I want to feel a sense of belonging in a community.  And I sorely miss the communities I once enjoyed in other parts of the world. But... God has us here for a purpose. For HIS purpose. I need to remember that. It isn't about me. It isn't even about "them" (i.e., you, whoever you are). It's about Jesus.  I believe the relationships I desire will come in time. I have to give them the room to materialize. Nothing good comes from force.


The good news is this season has been an incredible journey! God has been so faithful, our burden has been so light and Jesus' yoke has been so easy - just as He promised.  It feels as though I've been sitting on my Daddy's lap and He has been whispering sweet wisdoms into my life. And all along I just cling to his pant leg and walk in His steps.


So, as I said once before here and here and here, I am surrendered, commited and open to what God has in store for me - for my beloved husband - for my family - no matter what darkness and stink I have to go through. I'll follow Jesus anywhere.


And that's the truth.


Ppppbbbbtttthhh




Anyway, all this to say, I've unplugged a bit. You may have noticed that I disabled my Facebook wall (except for my family and closest friends). This is primarily because I don't want anything I might post to be taken out of context, so I'm just keeping my life private for the moment. I haven't initiated any social contact - although I've been receptive to others. I've been going to work and coming home. I've felt like this is a time for me to just listen, observe and learn; not whine and complain about not getting something I think I deserve.