The bad place

Look who's 1 year old!

Had a very successful day. Spent the morning throwing a football and watching the kids run here and there and everywhere; even ran into a dear friend, which was truly a treat. Both kids went down for a nap relatively easily, and I even took a short snooze. Ahhh, sweet sleep. Woke up with just enough time to hop in the shower, get myself, a whiny still half napping boy, and the baby ready for her birthday party.

Enjoyed some time with family and some friends and their kidlets. I always love getting all the kids together. They're so fun to watch. (I'll write more about the birthday party later.)

The spousal unit took off for the evening to hang with some guys around a fire pit, drinking who-knows-what manly drink, smoking cigars and pipes, and talking philosophy and theology. He actually asked me if this was ok. I still kind of giggle about that. I love when he has the opportunity to fellowship with his buddies. It has been years since he's had this kind of friendship so close. What kind of wife would I be if I denied him something so fundamental to the joy of his soul? I appreciate his asking. And I know why he did, considering the week we've had with our son. His being out for the evening meant my being alone with two kids, and having to do the bedtime routine solo. Very sweet of him, but.... Assuming he's out late, and the kids eventually go to sleep, it leaves me some time to truly be left in solitude. Double win.

I'm happy to report that both children went down fairly easily.

Alone at last.

This is the way I'm rolling this evening. Candles lit, Jason Wade radio on Pandora through the Bose, a bottle of Merlot, and the tapping of my fingers on a keyboard trying to keep up with my thoughts.

Not a bad way to spend an evening, let me tell you.

I was just commenting to Scott how I'm slowly turning from my extroverted ways toward a more inwardly thoughtful, introverted me.  Sure, I still enjoy being around people, for the most part, primarily depending upon who those people are. But, it wears me out. It wasn't too long ago when wherever there was a party, I was in the middle of it. I loved large, rowdy groups of people. God forbid I ever found myself alone... with my thoughts. Yipes!

I can still do rowdy, and I love a good party, especially where there is lively conversation, lots of laughter, and maybe even some dancing, but I do more watching than instigating. And when it's all said and done, rather than being sad that it's over, I'm relieved. 

If I'm being honest, I'd rather be alone with one or two other people, specifically trusted friends. Where silence is comfortable, and the conversation, when it does occur, isn't superficial. Where laughter is just one of many components, not the main ingredient.

I do enjoy being alone these days, now more than ever. Not just because my life in a very short period of time got turned ass over tea kettle. But also because my thoughts are actually pretty interesting. I'm amused at some of the things that I come up with when left to my own devices. Oh, if you could see inside my head... I'm actually quite delighted that most people can't see that far into me. (One or two can.... but only because they are very perceptive.)

There's another side to this, too. This season has left me really digging deep to find places in me that I've ignored, but need to pay a little attention to. Maybe past hurts that I've covered up. Maybe past struggles that I've just been able to ignore. Maybe current inner conflicts.

I've had my faith tested these last couple of years. And I mean tested, as in Satan attempting to take my hand and offer me some rather beautiful alternatives. (Of course, they aren't beautiful at all! That's his deception. It would be like taking a turd and wrapping it in a big red bow. Sure, the bow is nice. But it's still a turd. Just sayin'.) Luckily, I recognize his lies and put him in his rightful place pretty quickly. And, as a result, my faith has grown exponentially.

But the inner conflict is still there. Not only that, but because I'm being deliberate about opening doors I haven't opened in a really long time, there's some pretty ugly stuff in there that I didn't realize was still there. I'm finding myself being pulled in two directions - the old and new self. The think-of-others self versus the think-of-myself self. The it-matters-to-me self versus couldn't-give-a-crap self. The garden-is-quite-lush self versus the grass-is-greener self.  The what-would-others-think self versus they-can-go-screw-themselves self. The straight-and-narrow self versus the sick-of-being-responsible self. The virtuous self versus the wicked self. 

Not a pretty place to be.

But on second thought, maybe this is where character is built. I hate the struggle, but welcome the refinement. I loathe the pruning, but welcome the fruit. I despise the fire, but welcome the purification.

I'll put it out there... I admit that my reaction is to close my fists and refuse to let Jesus take that part. I'll give Him a bunch of other stuff, but not that. That is mine. I like that in the darkness, in my secrets.

Another lie.

It does not behoove us to hide our stuff from the One who holds our very breath in His hands. And because I've already declared my allegiance to Him, He is very purposeful with how He pursues me. Jesus is funny like that. He knows just what it takes to make me sit up and pay attention.  The freedom He offers is captivating.

So, here I am, inviting Jesus into the ugly stuff. Opening the door to the bad place. I'm peeling my fingers open, one by one. Sure, there's a part of me that just screams wanting to be unyielding. I pray I have the strength and resolve to place it all at the foot of the cross.

Here ya go, Lord.

A season of quiet reflection

To tag on to my last post....  This is the reason I've entered into a season of quiet reflection. I figured, rather than trying of my own accord to make sense out of these last couple of years, I would just slip quietly into a season of co-laboring with my Creator. Really, this means a lot of inward (and upward... or downward depending on your position) focus. Who am I? Who am I becoming? How is God using me? Am I open to being used in this way?


My hope, of course, is that I am becoming more of who Jesus created me to be. So it isn't enough to be self-aware. That's a great start, but that's when the real work begins. If, for example, my words cause distance, it's not enough that I just acknowledge it, and, say, accept it. Certainly, that would not be honoring to God. Rather, I want to not just honor God with my words, but honor others, as well. Scripture is loaded with verses regarding our tongues. Why do you suppose that is?


Regardless of whether I meant what was written in the manner in which it was understood by others isn't necessarily the point. No matter how something was written, it will always be open for interpretation - either correctly or incorrectly. It doesn't matter if what I wrote was in a time of heartache and sadness, but it was interpretted as condemnation and criticism.  (Interpretation is obvious in the way we hear others apply scripture. I'm quite certain that God did not intend the meaning of His words to be twisted and ruined as they so often have been.)


Recently, I just felt God nudging me to draw closer to Him. I've often found my worth in what others think about me. I don't want to care about such things, but the truth is, I'm human. (I know. Scary, right?) But isn't that a big fat lie of the enemy? I mean, not about being human, but about finding our worth outside of Jesus? So, rather than worrying about how many friends I have, or what people really think of me, I'm trying to believe what God says about who I am. Life, after all, is not a popularity contest. This is just one more layer that I must peel away and give to Him if I want to continue to grow.


See... these past couple of years have really been about trust. Do I trust God? Do I believe He is who He says He is? Am I really willing to take up my cross and follow Him? Am I willing to give up everything for Him? I was willing to release my baby to Him when He asked... but am I willing to release myself to Him? (Now, I don't mean that in a "Don't take me, take my baby" sort of way. Any parent would sacrifice themselves to spare their child. That's not even a question in my mind.) What I mean is, do I trust Him enough to give up all those things that we all hold on to because they are familiar and comfortable - chalk it up to a crappy childhood or broken hearts or whatever - because it's easier to sit back and say, "Either way, God loves me" than it is to do the hard work of being a student of Jesus? That means, trusting Him enough to take the driver's seat and relinquishing all of that crap to Him so He can make it all beautiful - the way He intended. We muck up our lives quite a bit. And He's willing to unmuck it if we let Him.


So, I'm letting Him.


And time after time I'm learning that I really can trust Him. Our experience hasn't proved any different. 


Side note. I find it kind of funny that I can trust Jesus with my marriage, my children, our home, our tummies, our bank account, etc., but it's hard for me to trust Him with my thoughts....  Seems kind of backwards to me.


I'm open to new relationships - and mending broken relationships - but it seems that with all of my efforts, I'm sinking faster than if I had just left well enough alone. (I'm learning that sometimes fewer words really are best. Imagine that!) So, I'm focusing on developing those relationships with people who desire the same, rather than chasing after people who really don't care to engage with me in that way - either now or later. Sure, I'm still lonely. Yes, I still long for meaningful relationships with others - particularly those who are close in age and are in a similar stage of life (i.e., have children around the same age as mine, etc.). Of course, I want to feel a sense of belonging in a community.  And I sorely miss the communities I once enjoyed in other parts of the world. But... God has us here for a purpose. For HIS purpose. I need to remember that. It isn't about me. It isn't even about "them" (i.e., you, whoever you are). It's about Jesus.  I believe the relationships I desire will come in time. I have to give them the room to materialize. Nothing good comes from force.


The good news is this season has been an incredible journey! God has been so faithful, our burden has been so light and Jesus' yoke has been so easy - just as He promised.  It feels as though I've been sitting on my Daddy's lap and He has been whispering sweet wisdoms into my life. And all along I just cling to his pant leg and walk in His steps.


So, as I said once before here and here and here, I am surrendered, commited and open to what God has in store for me - for my beloved husband - for my family - no matter what darkness and stink I have to go through. I'll follow Jesus anywhere.


And that's the truth.


Ppppbbbbtttthhh




Anyway, all this to say, I've unplugged a bit. You may have noticed that I disabled my Facebook wall (except for my family and closest friends). This is primarily because I don't want anything I might post to be taken out of context, so I'm just keeping my life private for the moment. I haven't initiated any social contact - although I've been receptive to others. I've been going to work and coming home. I've felt like this is a time for me to just listen, observe and learn; not whine and complain about not getting something I think I deserve.