So much for words of affirmation

I believe I am cursed. And not in a good way. In my attempts to be honest and vulnerable, I think I probably come across in some other way. I'm not really sure what "that way" is - but you might....


Over the last couple of years, I have written on more than one occasion about our lack of community. I was making sort of general statements - and I guess I assumed that when I mentioned we did have a bit of community (which I referred to as 'my Willage') that the people who were included would just know who they are. (I mentioned that here specifically.) Apparently this is not the case. Because I have come to realize that I have very effectively alienated myself from almost everyone - save a precious few who, thankfully, understood me.
I'm not sure what to say or do about this. I guess I just took it for granted that those who I do consider a friend knew that.... I certainly wasn't going to make a "Friend List" - I mean, seriously, how old am I?

Despite popular belief, I'm not a "words of affirmation" person. My husband can tell you that Words of Affirmation is not my love language. It doesn't even come close to second place. It's probably a distant 4th or 5th place.

The truth of the matter is that sometimes when I think my words are clear, they are, in fact, general, ambiguous, and condescending. Especially in writing when you (the reader) don't have the benefit of nonverbal communication - which, as we all know, is primarily how we communicate with others. Body language, voice fluctuation, gestures, eye contact, and so on. The result is that only 10-ish% of what I say can actually be communicated in writing. The other 90-ish% is left open for interpretation.

Over the last several months, I've felt more and more isolated. It has been a very odd journey... But I certainly can take the blame for much of that. I had a couple of people (relatively recently) approach me about how my comments have hurt them. Ouch. That was SO not my intention. Especially when these are people who I considered as part of my inner circle. But that SO explains these last few months.

What I really value about these people is that they had the courage to come speak to me about it. They patiently confronted me - and then humbly asked for forgiveness that they let this go on for so long. Wow. (Isn't that so unlike the world we live in? Praise Jesus!) It's tough to approach someone and be vulnerable enough to confront a person and tell them that you have sinned against them - even if it was unknowingly.

Their coming to me gave us the opportunity to reconnect - and for me to explain why I've felt the way I have felt, and to also ask for forgiveness. I truly hope that what came across is my heart. I'm not trying to accuse or reject or criticize (although, clearly that's what has been communicated).... I was just trying to share my heart - that I miss doing life with people, I feel lonely, and that I just miss having a sense of 'belonging'.

I appreciate honesty. I'm not a big fan of bottling things up and sweeping things under the rug. I would much rather someone come to me and say, "You know, you really hurt my feelings (or pissed me off) when you wrote - blah blah blah" than to just ignore me and/or the issue. Things like that put a wedge in relationships. Relationships are incredibly important to me. The last thing I want to do is be the cause of a wedge. (Now, a wedgie, on the other hand... I'm ok with being responsible for that.) What are we without others? Certainly not fulfilling God's command to love one another. (This is as true for me as it is for anyone else!)

Because I'm not a "words" person, I'm often completely oblivious to how my words affect others. But I do pick up on other cues. I've been getting a lot of cues lately. They're really more like blaring neon signs.

So, I just want to say for the record that I apologize if what I said hurt your feelings and has caused you to distance yourself from me. I don't necessarily know what makes everyone tick. And maybe I'm horrible at showing people that I love them. But I'm certainly teachable and would love to know you well enough to show you, in your language, that I care for and value you.

In my blog, I wasn't pointing my finger at any one person. I was simply making an observation that I just have a different expectation of "community" than maybe what is considered the norm for this part of the world. Maybe it's better. Maybe it's worse. Clearly it's just different. Fair or unfair. My experience has just been VERY different and when I moved to Oregon it has been a huge culture shock. Everything it just done differently here. Some people love it. Some people hate it. Some people are indifferent. All of these opinions are equally valid. We're different people, with different histories, from different families, with different experiences. Obviously, a one-size-fits-all approach doesn't work.

I deeply value people and the unique qualities that make them who they (you) are. You may have found your community here - you love it and you feel loved and well cared for. I think that's great. Everyone should feel that way. The fact is, I don't. That doesn't mean that you've done anything wrong, per se. Maybe we just speak different languages. I'm an acts of service and quality time person. Words carry very little weight with me. (I have a long history I could share, but I won't.) I know it's unfair to assume others feel this same way. And, if I'm being completely honest, I have some self esteem issues. I get my feelers hurt easily. And sometimes what bubbles up as a result is a defensive and critical spirit. I detest that about myself. I am, thankfully, pretty self-aware. But it's a process... This will be, I fear, a life-long process. (Dallas Willard says we should be generous in our thoughts towards others. Wow. That brings a whole different perspective to "love thy neighbor." I just heard this last week, but it has had a profound effect on my thought process - which is sort of what sparked this entry.)

I don't know who was (is) bothered by what I have written in the past, and who it resonated with. (I have received many private emails from people who said they have felt the same way, so I know I'm not alone in this.) But I do know that people who once were relatively close to me, are no longer. I don't know if this is due to what I have written or for some other reason that I'm unaware of. Either way, I would very much like the opportunity to mend fences. I am learning to be patient with others... and simply request that you be patient with me, as well.

If this is you, I'd love to hear from you. I wasn't my intention to condemn.

And just so you know, I'm sorry.