For my friend Twinkie

I would like to publicly take a moment to thank you for a conversation that we had several years ago. We were discussing my relationship with my mother, and you shared your husband's story. Wow. That was powerful. I don't think you ever realized what that would do to me, but it completely changed how I relate to my mother.

One thing in particular gave me an "ah-ha" moment. It was when your mom-in-law passed away, and Joe was grieving... It wasn't that he was grieving for his mother, per se. It was that he was grieving the loss of the hope that he had that she could ever be the mom he needed her to be. The dream of having a mom the he needed was gone. That so struck a chord with me. I finally got it. I finally realized after my whole life thus far, why I was so destroyed by the relationship my mom and I had (up to that point). I kept trying to fit her in a little box. I wanted so badly for her to be what I needed her to be, but never realized that she most likely could never be "that" mom. This was a (long and painful and enlightening) process, but I finally accepted who she is and who she is not. I still have hope (I won't ever let go of hope), but I'm ok with the fact that she, outside of a complete miracle, will never be the mom I want or need.

I can't say that I don't still have wounds from this relationship, but I can say that I'm learning to love her for who she is. And I can easily keep my boundaries. (This drives her crazy... I don't think she knows how to deal with me now that she can't manipulate me. But that's for another post... If ever.) I can find joy in our times together now, as few and far between as those are.

Anyway, thank you for sharing your wisdom with me. I think it saved me a lot of years of useless heartache. You're a good friend to me. We've been through some stuff together - good and bad, personally and professionally. I appreciate you and love you more than you know.