I turned 37. Nothing new to report there. Another year gone by... another year older... hopefully another year wiser. (Certainly, another year wider, as I originally tried to type "wiser".)
Typically around New Year's and my birthday, I begin to contemplate the past year. What went well, what didn't. Did I meet the goals I set for myself? If I didn't, why not? Am I any different than I was a year prior? If so, is it for the better, or not so much?
There have been a few years that stood out for me in terms of major resolutions. (I actually hate to call them resolutions because according to my observations, few people actually keep them, so I don't want to set myself up for failure.) I remember one significant "goal" (I actually don't like that word any better than "resolution"... help me out here... What's a good word??) I made, gosh, probably 13 years ago now, when I decided I wanted to be a person who was truthful. Boy, I used to be a people pleaser. (I still am to a certain extent.) I would tell people whatever they wanted to hear because either I wanted them to be proud of me, or I didn't want to hurt their feelings, or I wanted to be accepted... (Wow... I see an interesting parallel between this and the whole community thing. Hmmm....) Whatever the reason was, I told a lot of lies. Stupid, insignificant lies. But they did a lot of damage in the end. So... I vowed to be more truthful. What I learned was that telling the truth wasn't as difficult as I thought it would be. Nor was anyone really angry with me for being truthful... Kind of an eye-opening experience.
Fast forward 11 years...
Over the course of the last couple of years, I've felt convicted of a few things. I've actually written about this in several past blog entries. The deeper issue was gossip. I hate gossip. But I will admit, I was probably pretty gossipy. I never meant to be. But what I learned was that sometimes when I was caught up in the moment, I'd either jump on the bandwagon when someone else was yapping about things, or out of my own irresponsible emotional reaction, I'd say things I shouldn't. Looking back, I have really said some horrible things about people, most of which was completely undeserving. Thankfully, I think God has been nudging me quite a bit about grace.
I confess that I continue to fail repeatedly. Although, I am much better than I was, I still have a long way to go. I want to be the kind of person who is quick to pray for others, quick to offer grace, quick to love, quick to understand... Basically, I want to love people the way Christ does. This is a pretty tall order. And I am a very fallen person. But I believe in bringing things into the light if I ever want to become the person I want to become; that is, a person who looks a little more like Jesus.
So I ask for your accountability. If you catch me speaking in a gossipy manner, please smack me. And if I walk away or don't participate in gossip, please just accept it. I typically don't share information that someone has shared with me in confidence (although I'm sure there are instances when I have). I think where I fail most is when I am emotionally charged over something or someone. (For example, if I 'm hurt or ticked off about something, or see what I perceive as a major injustice, I can go off. It isn't pretty. Nor is it biblical.)
I like to consider myself a teachable person. I'm going to just ask that, if you know me, help teach me what you have learned. I've always been the kind of person that learns from my own mistakes (after I've made them about a hundred thousand times). I see this in my son. And I want very badly to model what it means to learn from the mistakes of others (not just my own). So consider this an open invitation to offer insights and little (or big) wisdoms that you've learned over the years.
Maybe in another 37 years I'll be much closer to my goal.
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