Slap your grandma

After a conversation about blogging yesterday, it dawned on me that the majority of my rants have been far too serious. Not to say that what I and my family have been going through these last 2 years isn't significant (to us). It's just that... well... you know me. (Or maybe you don't.) I just prefer to keep things light. So, in an attempt to get back to my roots, here are some random thoughts for the day.

I was driving home last night from work rockin' out to a local country station. (Side note: It has been literally years since I've listened to country music. Well, since Billings, actually. Oregon just didn't have a good country station. And if I'm being perfectly honest, I like country, but not as much as I once did. Country music these days is more pop than country. But, I digress.) Trace Adkins' song Honky Tonk Badonkadonk came on. This song is a crack up, if for no other reason than having the word "badonkadonk" in it. (I should add that word to my list of funny words. **DING** Idea! I just added the word "badonkadonk" to my funny words list.)

Wow. I need to lay off the caffeine. I apologize to all of you unsuspecting readers. If this is too much for you, feel free to move on.

ANYWAY, here are a few lyrics for your viewing pleasure:

It's so hard not to stare

At that honky tonk badonkadonk
Keepin' perfect rhythm
Make ya wanna swing along
Got it goin' on
Like Donkey Kong
And whoo-wee
Shut my mouth, slap your grandma
There outta be a law
Get the Sheriff on the phone
Lord have mercy, how's she even get them britches on
That honky tonk badonkadonk
(Aww sonn)

Um... Can someone please 'splain to me what "shut my mouth, slap your grandma" means? I mean.... first of all, why would you slap your grandma? What does she have to do with it? What did she ever do to you? And don't you think that slapping an innocent little old lady is a bit excessive?


The line "how's she even get them britches on" doesn't conjure up a good image for me. Now, I know all you visually stimulated men are probably thinking of something completely different than I am. So let me ruin this for you. I had a friend way back (who will remain nameless) who, for whatever reason, wore the tightest jeans I ever saw. And, unfortunately for both her and all others, she didn't have the booty to pull it off. Granted, if a chica has a cute little round tushy, tight jeans might accentuate the asset (**ahem**), but ... when someone is ... um... pleasantly fluffy... maybe tight jeans aren't a good idea. I know that some women are in complete denial. That is, they believe their backside is smaller than it actually is. And more than likely these are not the women who ask the dreaded question, "Do these jeans make my ass look big?" Well, no, you big dummy. Those jeans don't make your ass look big. Your ASS makes your ass look big. I'm just sayin'.

Bringing me back to my high school days, I remember laying on the bed all stretched out like a cat trying to zip up the tightest jeans ever. Seriously, I might as well have melted myself down and poured myself into the jeans mold. That's how tight we wore jeans back in the 80's. Why, I don't know. (Ok, granted, back then, I had a cute butt. In fact, it wasn't that long ago when I had a cute butt.)

Just for the record, no one should wear jeans that tight. And nowadays it’s even worse. Jeans are worn much lower, so particularly when they are tight, there’s a whole lot of ass crack showin’. People, please. No one wants to see your ass crack. No matter how cute your tushy is, ass crack is not cute when it peaks out of the top of your jeans. That’s dirty. And not in a good way.

Wanna know what is good? Bloody Mary’s. The Chief mentioned them the other day, and I’ve been having a craving ever since. Mmmmm. Yummers. When I think of Bloody Mary’s, I think of my old next door neighbor Katie. Yeah, we used to drink a little together. We went wine tasting once…. And had a certain conversation in a certain cemetery… “Um…. WOW! Look at how old this one is…..” **Awkward** That’s all I’ll say about that. (Katie – you know! Hahaha)

I was in Keystone last week for a few days for work. I packed a couple of work outfits, one of which was practically a brand new pair of slacks (Ann Taylor, if you must know). I got up, showered, got all primped for the day, put my brand new pants on, and they promptly fell off. What the??? I mean, that’s a good problem to have, right? Needless to say, apparently I’ve been losing a bit of weight without any real effort on my part. Not complaining. Just sayin’. (Now if I could manage to just accidentally drop another 35, that would be brilliant!)

People crack me up. I’ve been learning some new phrases since moving to Colorado. One is “crop dusting.” If you work in agriculture, this is probably not a new phrase for you. But… it’s not used in that context. For years, my husband has warned against walking behind the elderly when shopping because most likely at some point in the journey they will pass some gas. I was just recently told that, here, this is called “crop dusting.” Hysterical! I don’t ever want to be crop dusted.

I’m so sick of breath mints. (Sorry for that segue.)

I love cotton balls.


I love the color green.


I love starry skies, breezy evenings and silence.


I love that Scott once told me, “Well, if I know it smells like something, I have to taste it.” I beg your pardon, but does not everything smell like something? (He said this in context of lip balm, but… you know me. I must take it to places it was never meant to go.)

You know what I don’t love? I don’t love that I just found out that if I drink a caffeinated beverage within 4 hours of taking my thyroid meds, it reduces their effectiveness. F. I love my caffeinated beverages. I love them even more than I love my adult beverages.


Stupid thyroid.


You may recall years ago when I was having all those MRIs and CT scans because I was having extreme migraines daily (to the point of vomiting), and what was discovered were bulging and blown discs (C4, C5, C6, to be exact). My neurologist was pretty sure they were related, and mentioned that the bulging discs may be pressing against a nerve in my spine. Since that time, Scott has been calling me Nerve Damage. But, see… the migraines and the bulging discs, so it turns out, were not related at all. So, I petition (won’t you join me) to have my spousal unit stop calling me Nerve Damage…. And start calling me Thyroid Damage. I’m all about truth.


Last night I was missing Newton and Fidget. Newton’s big ol’ soft, poofy belly, and Fidget’s purring mew. I miss having animals. I don’t really miss cats in particular. I do miss having a dog. Dogs are great companions. They’re happy when you’re happy. They’re sad when you’re sad. They put their head on your knee as if to say, “I totally understand what you’re going through.” And for whatever reason, we believe it.


But, alas, my spousal unit is not a lover of the animals, unless they happened to be cooked rare and sitting on a plate in front of him with a little cup of au jus on the side.


I’ve been wearing the same perfume since I was in high school. It’s the only perfume that I can’t smell. That’s why I like it. That’s not because it has not smell (because, really, what would be the point if that were the case?). It’s because it blends perfectly with my chemistry. I get compliments on it all the time. (Typically, after a comment, I do the wrist sniff test, and I still can’t smell it.) Want to know a little secret? I don’t like smelling perfume on me. That’s why I have tried many times to change, but keep coming back to the same perfume. Most perfumes give me a headache. (Men’s cologne, however, is a different story. The right fragrance, and mmmm, mmmm, mmmm…. ‘Nuff said about that.)

Is it hot in here?


Anyway, I wear Tresor. I love it. And I’m out as of this morning. I must go buy more.

Welp, glad I got all that out of my system.

Two words for "The List"

Nappy.

That word is hilarious. It came to mind when we got up super early on Sunday morning to pay a visit to this donut shop called Donut Haus. This place got amazing reviews (5 stars across the board), and we were told that they make the best maple bars in the world. Well... being a realist, I wasn't completely convinced. That's an awfully big claim to make and, really, how could you really know that? But, it was motivating on a Sunday morning, so after a family snuggle in bed, we all put some pants on and headed out the door. Once in the car, I realized that Jeffrey's hair was a complete mess. I looked at him and said, "That's quite the bed head you're rockin', kiddo." And then it occurred to me that it was worse than bed head. It was nappy.

And that made us laugh. And, then, of course in true Matkovich form, it spiraled out of control.

Now that I've been writing this, I've forgotten the second word.

Dangit! This ALWAYS happens. I never remember the funny words long enough to get them written down.

Oh, well. So we have one more word for the funny word list.

Nappy.

That's funny.

Another funny word for "The List"

Hoof

I was reminded of this word tonight when my realtor (love you, Mia!) came over to fix our 'for sale' sign (that the ghetto neighbor hit 2 days prior when she was backing out of the shared drive like a bat out of hell at 9:30 at night, hitting our FULL recycle can, which hit our FULL trash can (which were both waiting patiently and innocently on the curb for trash day the following morning), which lauched and hit the "Exclusively by John L Scott" sign, knocking it off of the pole. Yes, this is true. You know there had to be some serious speed involved if you knocked a (I repeat) full recycling receptacle into a full trash can, launching it up and into a for sale sign, knocking it completely off the pole it was hanging from. Trash all over. All I can say is 1) Oregon driver; and b) thank you, Jesus, it wasn't my or someone else's kid.) 

The funny thing about that is we went running out there seconds later, and we heard at least a couple of girls running and giggling down the side of their house (clearly trying to run away). Scott marched over to their house ready to kick some butt. He thought it was Fathead (ghetto neighbor - father of at least 7 out of the 9 kids that live there) was responsible.  The mom (Fathead's girlfriend/wife) had zoomed onto their front lawn and was hurriedly trying to get out of the car and run inside like the others. Seeing it wasn't Fathead, Scott just said, "So, ya gonna clean up the trash?" She responded, "Yes, I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to do that. I'm sorry...."

Ok, maybe it was an accident, I'll grant that. But she was clearly trying to flee the scene. Nice. (Love thy neighbor, love thy neighbor, love thy neighbor...)

I digress.

So, Mia came to fix the sign - blah blah blah. It was perfect timing as Scott was out there manhandling it back on to the pole when she pulled up. She inspected his handy-work and gave him the two thumbs up.

The three of us got to talking - and she mentioned that she needed to head out because her girls were waiting in the car, and probably eating chocolate which surely would be getting all over.

Another side note (seriously, funny stuff happens all the time), Mia's girls are art ninjas. The minute she steps away, they are drawing on stuff - with whatever happens to offer color at the time. Sometimes it's pens. Sometime's it's paint or crayons. Sometimes it's juice or another food item. She has caught them on numerous occasions drawing (or spilling) things on her white carpet. A couple of weeks ago, we ran into each other outside church. They had climbed into the minivan while she and I talked. Fifteen minutes later, she says, "I better go. Who knows what they're doing."  Two minutes after that, I receive a text that says, "This is what they were doing," with a picture attached of some scribbles all over the tan leather seat. Awesome.

Anyway, that led to my "kudos to you" comment for giving up chocolate for over a year! (That's some serious discipline right there!) She then made the comment back that she just had to do this because she's so addicted... it makes her "unclean." HAHAHA!!!

So, like clockwork, that got Scott and I on a roll. I said, "She's like a woman with the issue of chocolate."

And then Scott said, "It's like your hoven cloof."

What?

He said it again, but then quickly added, "That doesn't sound right. Hoven? Is that right? Kyra, what am I trying to say?"

I said, "Hoven cloof?" Pause.  "OOooohh, you mean 'cloven hoof'!"

HAHAAHA Oh, we had a good laugh at that one.

We laughed about that well into the evening. I realized around 8:30 this evening that the word "hoof" is hilarious.

Thus, it's on the list.

Another funny word

Sniff.

That word cracks me up.

Funny words list

Scott and I have a running list of funny words. The problem is we've never written it down, so we often forget which words are really funny until one of us says one, which usually comes at a very inopportune time, when we both look at each other and have to refrain from giggling. And you know what happens when you have laughter building that you can't let out. Yep. It gets worse... and builds and builds until you let out a massive snort or "HA" for all to hear.

Off the subject: Scott's mom (Mamasan) is the champion of HA! It's hilarious. The last time she did that, we were at Lowe's. I don't know what caused it, but this loud HA rang out and echoed all over the store. Jeffrey was in his little cart and looked at me with great concern, asking, "What was that?" HAHAHAHA

Back on subject.

Here are words we think are funny:

#1 - Pork. This the all-time funniest word. You can't even say the word "pork" without smiling. There's something about the way your lips shape when you say that word. Go ahead. Say the word.

Say it.

Pork.

See? You're smiling, aren't you? Funny word.

Also on the list is:

wiggle

mole

corn

poo

Now, true, there are words that in and of themselves aren't funny, but their meaning is... But that's not what I'm talking about here. I'm just purely referring to words - the sound of it, the way your mouth looks or feels when you say it, etc. It has little to do with the meaning. That's a different list. Poo and corn would also make that list.

I'm just sayin'.

I'll add words to this list as I remember them. I always said I would, and now I'm finally getting around to it. I'm curious, though. What words do you think are funny?