Perhaps the Answer...

It's hard to be vulnerable. For some, it's easier to build a wall around yourself for protection. In my experience, that only led to shallow relationships and loneliness. To put yourself out there allows others the opportunity to stomp on you... but the honesty is worth the risk.
The number of people who are truly close to me are in the single digits. I have a lot of friends, but they're really more like buddies - people I can hang out with and share a few good laughs. We may even share a few tears together, but the silence with them is still uncomfortable. I don't wear my heart on my sleeve. I've been hardened to some extent by life and loss, hurt and disappointment. I desire to know people on a deeper level and it takes time for me to get to the point of spiritual nakedness. I can stand before my Lord that way, honored to be broken and bruised for the One who was broken for me. But to be that naked (spiritually and emotionally) in front of others like me (that is, broken, hardened, sinful... human) takes time and commitment.

I shed my layers recently, showing my under belly. A couple of entries ago I made mention of having to ask a friend for forgiveness and being ok with having my plea rejected. We talked. We hugged (and it was a good hug, not a back-pat, stick your butt out kind of hug). And then the Deceiver got a foothold. Through a bizarre series of misunderstandings and misperceptions, what I originally thought was progress, actually became a serious setback. I can't say that my apology was rejected, but I think I lost a friend tonight. I feel responsible, but I honestly don't know why.

It's tragic and sad. Disappointing and confusing. I'm still hoping for a clear answer of some sort, but I don't know what that would look like.

God has a funny way of teaching us humility and patience. Patience has never been a a great strength. (I do, however, have the strenghts of Achiever and Activator, among others, just in case you wanted to know.) I do try to practice that discipline (and it is a discipline). Waiting... waiting...

The positive to all of this is that the answer I was waiting for may have come tonight. It's not the clear answer I wanted, but it's an answer nonetheless. I'm still hoping for reconciliation. We'll see.

I got honest. I got stomped. Still single digits. It's been worth the risk.