When I look back on our courtship (and I use that term deliberately; we never "dated", we ourted), I'm pleased at the way we laid the foundation of our future and our marriage.
For our first "date", I surprised him in California for Valentine's Day. We went to Gladstones in Malibu for dinner. We didn't really talk about dating at the time... We just sort of felt like that was the next step after we confessed to one another that we wanted to pursue more than just the goofy friendship we'd been rockin' for the several years before. I took him home to meet my aunt and uncle (my parents, for all intents and purposes). My uncle took me aside and said in a very fatherly way, "Do NOT let him go!" That was the first time he EVER approved of anyone I brought home for the folks to meet... And not only approved, but basically said that he would disown me if I didn't marry him. A fact that he was eager to share at our wedding reception almost 2 years later. Embarrassing.Scott was attending grad school at Talbot at the time, and we realized that distance was difficult. I had moved to Oregon, he was in Southern CA.... We made the best of it. A few trips back and forth for visits... Travel was getting old, as were the long email conversations and IMs. One of the ways we bridged the distance was through a shared journal. We both wrote a page as an opener... Then we would send it back and forth, sharing our thoughts and trials, and celebrating what God was doing to bring us together in love. He would have it for a couple of weeks, then he'd send it to Oregon and I'd have it for a couple of weeks; back and forth it went. It's wonderful to have a written log of how we fell in love, and all the little bumps along the way. I think that is one of the reasons why we have such a great marriage now. We learned to communicate in very a honest and open way. We had to. If we had any chance of making it work, we had to face the obstacle of distance and find another way of sharing our lives. This journal was our window into one another's heart. It's really beautiful to read through it again.
It's also fun to look back and seen how far we've come. We dealt with some pretty tough stuff early on. Our entire engagement was a training ground for marriage. A lot of couples use that as a time for fun and games, but, ya know, marriage isn't about fun and games. Really, bottom line, marriage is about Jesus. And if we wanted to honor Jesus via our marriage, we knew we had a lot of changing to do. We both came with past hurts, pain, issues and insecurities. I actually take quite a lot of the burden just because I had quite the past. (What a blessing it was that my beloved offered such grace... He's so like Jesus in that way.) But the truth is that we both needed Jesus. When you're first in love, it's easy to see all the good, and, oh, isn't he perfect? I think that's why the first year of marriage, for so many, is bliss; the honeymoon period. What happens when that wears off? Ah, yes. Reality of the little things sets in. Toilet seat is up. (Or, for him, the toilet seat is down.) One is tidy, the other messy. One eats junk food and likes to have it well stocked in the pantry. The other is an organic health nut and despises the sight of pre-packaged food. Enter your own list - you know you could make one at least 150 items long.
For us, we used our engagement and our first year as an opportunity to lay the framework for the next 50+ years, God willing. It wasn't bliss. It was hard. It was really hard. We had to look in the mirror and see ourselves for who we really were - broken, fallen, imperfect, selfish, impatient, unkind, etc. etc. But we gave each other room to grow. We allowed mistakes to happen. We talked about our pain and our sufferings along the way. We didn't blame the other. We didn't point at one another. We looked at ourselves. One of the biggest lessons to learn in marriage is how to truly put the other person first and serve as if our life-mate was our ministry. That's what Jesus did. He served. And since we want to look like Him, we, in turn, served one another.
Listen up. If you're suffering in a marriage that is unkind (in word or deed), selfish and constantly at odds, what are you doing to contribute? Do you react in an unChristlike way? Do you use words to hurt? Why? I tell you, if you use your words to build up, edify, bless and honor, your marriage will change. Maybe not overnight, but it will change. When you speak words of blessing to your spouse in every situation (even when you're pissed beyond comprehension), it will diffuse the situation rapidly. Trust is built. You learn to lean on one another. It's pretty amazing.
We don't have this down perfectly, but we're getting pretty good at it. Scott was my best friend going into it, but now he's my best friend, my lover, my better half, my mate, my joy. We enjoy a darn good marriage. And I think we bring honor to God through it. I can't think of a better gift to give my son than a picture of what it means to follow Jesus, and what it means to love.
Scott, my love, I'm grateful to you for all you are and all you aspire to be. I'm honored to be your cheerleader in every decision you make on behalf of our family and your ministry. I trust and believe that you desire above all else to follow Jesus and that you love Him above anything else - including me. And in that, I can't think of a better way to be loved. I'm grateful for all the sufferings that we've endured together, and for our hearts that have been interwoven. You're beautiful. I adore you.
The very thought of you makes my heart sing,
Like an April breeze on the wings of spring
And you come to me all your splendor, My one and only love
The shadow's fall and spread their mystique charms
In the hush of night, while you're in my arms.
I feel your lips, so warm and tender, My one and only love
The touch of your hand is like heaven.
A heaven that I've never known
The blush on your cheek whenever I speak,
Tells me that you are my own
You fill my eager heart with such desire
Every kiss you give sets my soul on fire
I give myself in sweet surrender, My one and only love
"My One and Only Love"
(Written by Louis Armstrong... who knew?)
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