Our home

Yesterday was a tough day. I woke up just pissed. More than angry. So I had to get my mind on more productive things. I started doing dishes, which led to cleaning the kitchen... which led to REALLY cleaning the kitchen... which led to going through the Picklebean's closet. There's something about sorting through your baby's clothes that no longer fit that just brings out a certain sadness. I love seeing him grow, but I just loved him so much when he was little... I still am amazed at how every day you can love a person more and more, and how seeing those little pants or tiny socks or a special sweater makes you hold dearly to the past.

So that was the beginning of what would become an emotional rollercoaster of a day.

Later in the morning, Jeffrey just decided to tuck himself in for a nap. He grabbed his binky (and he knows if he wants it, he has to be in bed) and off to bed he went. I figured he'd be out within a couple of minutes. That's usually the way it goes. But several minutes passed... and several more... until finally I paid him a visit. He looked so cute all snuggled into the corner of his bed with the covers pulled up just past his chin. His blue eyes still wide awake, but he just laid there quietly.

I sat down next to him and he immediately popped up and said, "Jeffrey's all done!" (He always refers to himself in the third person. Cracks me up.) But he crawled into my lap. I asked him if he

wanted me to rock him for a while. He (of course) said yes - he loves to rock and snuggle. So I asked if he wanted to stay in his room or rock in the living room. He said, "Stay here." I stood up

holding him tightly, cleared all the stuffed animals, blankets and other stuff from the rocking chair, sat down, laid his legs across my lap, covered us up with his froggy blanket and started to rock.

And as I looked around his dimly lit room, all the memories started to flood back. Special moments. Conversations. Laughter. Tears. Everything.

Jeffrey's bedroom is the cornerstone of our home. It has signified every important change in our life since we bought this home.

It was where we sat on the floor with our realtor to discuss if this would be our home - where we decided that we'd like to make an offer and how having a home would completely change our lives.

It was where we set up a cozy guest room and had many out-of-state (and a few in-state) friends

stay with us for a night... a long weekend.

It was often where one of us would nap, or just read to get away from everything and everyone.

It became Scott's mom's room when she made the decision to uproot herself from Illinois and join us in Oregon. She lived with us for 8 months - 3 of those where spent not working but just resting. SO many hilarious stories about Mamasan living with us... Like, how she'd get up before God, sit in the dark drinking coffee so to not wake anyone - occasionally do dishes (somehow managing to never make a noise), think of crazy things (like eating hamburgers or ribs and "sweet snacks") until one of us woke up. And then as soon as one of us was up, she'd tell us everything she thought about in the last 4 hours. Hilarious.

When she moved out, it went back to a guest room, but only for a short while because soon after that we learned I was pregnant. It became our nursery. That little blue rocker was where I rocked

Jeffrey in the middle of night to comfort him back to sleep when he was up nursing or sick or sad... Many a sleepless night was spent in that rocker.

It's where Jeffrey had his first "big boy bed"... and now that room is shared with his little baby sister.

Jeffrey is much bigger now. He doesn't fit so easily into my arms. He once was so tiny that his entire body could snuggle against my chest. Now his head was buried in my neck, arms completely around my shoulders, sitting on my lap with his legs dangling over mine. He's grown so much.

I just rocked, held my son, and cried.

And if this doesn't sum up the sweetness of my little boy. He just looked at me, stroked my face with his soft little hand, looked into my eyes and never said a word. He just knew I was sad and that was ok.

I look around this home and see all the wonderful things that have been weaved into the fabric of our lives - the ministry that happened here... the friends that came and went... the way a couple became a family... The furniture, the paint, the pictures, the details....

This is where we started our first Bible Study, discovered new hobbies and dreamed of life in the future. This is where I discovered a joy of gardening and Scott learned the art of cooking.

We built our yard by ourselves... Grew every blade of grass, every

tree, every shrub, every flower...

It's where we celebrated sunny days and breath...

Where we played frisbee and chased our son with water balloons...

We enjoyed countless sunrises - with an incredible view of the mountains as nothing but farmland is behind us.

We enjoyed (for a short time) a wonderful neighbor - who would just show up and talk to us through an open window and tell us that there's a chicken in our yard.

We closed on this house on our first anniversary. We spent our happiest years together in this home.

As I stand in each room, I can recall conversations, laughter, sadness, joy, grief... I hear the sound of tiny little feet tearing down the hall way and Jeffrey's giggles filling the house.

This home has been our respite. It has been the one place we felt completely at peace, welcome and accepted. The first 2 1/2 years of commuting to Portland, coming home and stripping off our work clothes and putting on our jammies signified the end of a long, stressful work day, and the beginning of a relaxing evening with my beloved. And the last 2 1/2 years when we slowly began to feel isolated, this home was our retreat from a very lonely time in our lives. Sort of our oasis in the desert. (More realistically, it has been our safe haven in the ghetto. HA!)

We must let it go. It's no longer our home, but a product that needs to be sold. So, soon all the pictures will come off the wall, the little airplane and clouds that Scott hand-painted so lovingly on the wall in Jeffrey's room will be painted over, all the toys will be packed up, and everything that make our home "ours" will be whisked away and staged just so, so that perhaps when someone else walks through the front door, they will have the same emotional reaction to the home as we did 5 years ago. We just pray that whoever lives here is blessed deeply, and that God's presence would remain.

I took the crib apart, and set up the full size bed in it's place... Sometime this week, the office will be packed up and staged as another bedroom. Nothing will look the same.

This is the end of an era. The end of a beautifully written chapter.

And the beginning of another.