Back to a familiar place of discouragement and, if I'm being honest, sadness. For whatever reason I can't shake this theme. We call this place "home" but that's just a label we put on it. Void of meaning. I'm not talking about my home, home - as in the place in which I dwell. I'm talking about this city. This region.
NOTE (1 day later): Before you read on, please know that comments made below certainly are not a blanket statement. We have a very WEE community here so we are not forgetting those of you who do invest in our lives. I cannot tell you how grateful we are for you. (You know who you are.)
Oh, God, I so long for community. You'd think that after growing up near here, it would all make sense, but it doesn't. As I sit here, I'm shaking my head in absolute bewilderment. (I even just scratched my head, but that's only cuz I had a small itch.) Maybe I've spent too much time in other places. Places where people have time for you. Where people don't cling to their cliques. Where people in the name of hospitality welcome you into their homes, into their lives for no other reason than just because. They always have room for one more friend. They don't call you "friend" because they can't readily remember your name, or because it seems friendly, when, in fact, it actually comes across as shallow. They call you friend because they appreciate your uniqueness. They always have time to spend, even if only once a while. The time spent is genuine. You can feel it. It isn't just a gesture born out of guilt, or because this is just their way of getting it out of the way because you've asked so many times before.
The desire comes in tides. The tide is in for a short time, covering me in a blanket of warm bubbles. This happens when someone greets me with an authentic hello, how are you doing. And actually stops, looks me in the eye and waits for an answer. But when the tide goes out, it's out for a long, long time.
Is it just insecurity? I don't know. God, I think, created me with a desire to commune with others - to be present in each other's lives, to welcome the newcomer so they know that there is always a soft place to fall, always a warm home and a warm meal waiting for them, even if they come unannounced. My idea of community isn't penciling each other in at some future date, or keeping the date tentative because a better offer might come along. Of course, they would never say that, but, really, that is what they mean. (And I don't mean a tentative date when there is really a possibility that something might conflict. I'm talking about the "I'll have to check my calendar" tentative date, which is just their way of saying, "Please let there be something on my calendar, and if there isn't, I'll put something there just to give me an excuse.")
I don't think that people in the Pacific NW try to be this way. I don't think they know any better. I've never in my life had such troubles finding people who naturally just want to know other people, and walk through life with them. I've always had a house full of people - regularly. For dinner. For a movie. For a walk. For a deep discussion, or just a goofy one. For a glass of wine, or a bottle of water. For Thursday night TV. For a road trip. For lunch. For a morning cup of coffee. People here are very good at keeping to themselves and keeping to people who look just like them. God forbid you commune with people who are different or who don't necessarily share the same pastimes. I say, that's more interesting conversation!
My heart hurts. It hurts when we hear about a group of other "friends" who get invited to something and we're not. It hurts when I invite someone to do something, getting the answer "I'll let you know", then they never let me know, or they tell me "I'll check my calendar" only to find out that the better offer came in.
I try very hard to be hospitable... I grew up in a family of welcomed strangers. Family wasn't just the title we put on the group of folks related by blood or marriage. Family included the neighbor, the friend from work, the gal at the grocery store who told you they were spending Thanksgiving alone that year, long-time friends and the children of long-time friends. We called it our family of orphans.
Just a side note to that. My father passed when I was 8, and since that time, my mother and I haven't really been on the best of terms. I ended moving out of my mom's home at 16, and moved in with my uncle (dad's brother). When I think of the most significant contributions to my life, I think of them. Those were very difficult years (teenage years always are). So, when I talk about my family, I'm typically referring to my aunt and uncle, and not my mother. My sister, however, fits in both. She's my buddy, always has been and always will be.
So, when I think of family, I think of a group of completely random people. That, to me, is community. It isn't just the folks you get along with best at work, or just your bible study, or just your shepherding group, or just the people who are volunteering in your area of ministry. My sense of community is the gal who used to live next door, but still stops by out of the blue to say hi and let my son hug her dogs, and coworkers, past coworkers, people from my bible study, neighbors down the street and the friends of these people. If I invite you to dinner, and you want to bring a friend to tag along, GREAT! My home is open to you and your friend. You may walk through the doors of my home a stranger, but you leave as a friend; as part of my family. And rarely does anyone leave without a hug. That's just who we are. We love people. So, when there is no reciprocation, it's painful to me.
And I don't buy that time and distance separates people. That's such a BS excuse and cop out. In this day and age of email, blogging, text messaging and cell phones, there is no fricken reason why you can't stay in touch. Every few months, I send a long email update to a ton of people - just to stay in touch. When I get emails like that, I read every word. And I almost always respond, even just to say, "It's good to hear from you." Cuz I mean it.
I have a friend who, shortly after we became friends, moved to California. I think we've been friends longer when she's lived 1200 miles away than when she lived in the same city. And somehow, we find time to keep in touch. A random text message when sitting in line at Dutch Bros to tell her I miss her, or during the Office to quote a line from the show. It's little things like that that carry friendships. Why? Because they show the other person that you genuinely care for them, and that they are in your thoughts. We've talked on the phone maybe once since she's been gone. And, ya know, to me, it doesn't matter. I appreciate the long conversations, but there is something so sweet about the random, "I was just thinking of you and wanted to say hi" that matters so much more to me.
I have another friend who I haven’t seen in about 8 years, and every once in a while I get a call at work. I usually, hear, “Kyra. Hello.” I know exactly who it is. We may not talk for another year, but we’re still friends.
I have another friend whom I have known since I was 2 years old. That’s 34 years, people. We haven’t lived in the same state in over 18 years. Yet, we’re still friends.
I miss friends like that. I miss friends like that HERE; the daily friends. I love that I have friends all over the world. But I miss having people over. I miss being able to call someone spontaneously to go to Target and have the answer be “yes”.
We have been so blessed by another couple we met about a year or so ago. We have just fallen in love with them. They LOVE to do life with people. And they’re enthusiastic about it. There is nothing pretentious or fake about any word they speak or action that take. We don’t have everything in common with them, other than just a super-joy that comes from the center of souls. Man, I love people like that. We spend a lot of time with them. They have room in their busy lives for us.
I guess it’s all my way of saying I’m lonely. (Yeah, and a little pissed.) Don’t get me wrong. I have an incredible marriage, and an incredible friend in my husband. He shares in these feelings. He misses community, too. We both have lived in several states, and we both have had the same experiences. We’ve found community everywhere but here. Frick, what is it with this place? I don’t think it’s us because I cannot tell you how many people we have talked to that have the same, exact experience. But… maybe it is us. Maybe we’re all the weird ones that people try to avoid – you know, those crazy out-of-staters. (Apparently, you must be an Oregon Native to be in the “in” crowd… which is funny cuz, see, I am an Oregon Native. What the frick does that even mean? I’ve NEVER seen “Wyoming Native” or “Colorado Native” or “Florida Native” on a bumper sticker. What’s so special about an Oregon Native? Does anyone care? Does it even matter? Seriously?)
So that’s where I am today. Sad. Lonely. Pissed. Disappointed.
But grateful nonetheless. My marriage is stronger than ever. My home has become my retreat. My worship is deeper. My relationship with Jesus is all the more prominent.
But it would be really cool to move to Colorado or Chicago or Charlotte or Santa Fe. Hey, I'd rather sacrifice flushing toilets than community. I’m just sayin’.
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
Sunday, January 18, 2009
Reckless words pierce like a sword...
Something has been bothering me for several months now. But, I think I'm in a place and time where I can freely talk about it. Some involves just personal history and family changes. Some involves others. I'm still sort of processing it all because some of it is still a bit perplexing, and other pieces are just completely unknown, although I could probably speculate - which will come a bit later as I just write through this. Bear with me.
About 19 months ago, I left a job that I thought I loved. I was there for all-in-all 5 years, almost to the day, but, really, I'll just say I left just shy of 5 years, because the last 4 months didn't really count. More about that later. There were only a handful of people who knew the "real" reason I left. Most others thought it was because I was just about to give birth to my son, and we had decided that between the commute and the long hours, it just wasn't going to work for us. I suppose that is, looking back, a partial truth. (I can say with much gratitude that I don't have a 45 minute commute one-way, nor the long hours that are typically expected in a corporate position.) That was a welcome change. But the real reason I left was because after much reflection over the last 2 years I was there, and a series of events that transpired over the last few months, I knew that my values conflicted greatly with those of the owners. I had seen and heard a lot to make my stomach turn. From one senior manager who made racist comments about "black" employees, to another whose philosophy on hiring is the "HOFF" method (hire often, fire fast), to another who had little trust or confidence in most of his employees and often made rash assumptions about events that took place. The reactions to such things (I say reaction because there is a huge difference between reacting to something and responding to something) were frequently irresponsible and unprofessional. I observed many meetings where a department had been chewed out for their seemingly lack of communication, teamwork and adherence to company procedures. Those speeches were uninspiring to say the least. To top it all off, it was as if the company was trying to buy loyalty by paying increasingly high salaries. It's appreciated to a point. You sort of feel valued when you get a 6-10% increase with every performance review. But, after a while, when you get your ass chewed repeatedly, and told that you suck between the performance reviews, money will only go so far. Contrary to one partner's philosophy, not all people are motivated by money.
The last straw was when one of those speeches became directed at me and a couple of other employees. The three of us had basically called a meeting so that we could all, once again, get on the same page. It seemed over the course of a few weeks that what was communicated to one of us was completely different than what was communicated to another. I'm not sure what caused such an impulsive reaction, but we basically got yelled at, complete with table-pounding. (Looking back, I'm kind of amused by it. I've never seen such outburst in a professional environment before. I don't care what the reason was for it. It was inappropriate.) I was 8 months pregnant at the time. It dawned on me that dealing with that kind of stress just wasn't worth sacrificing my time away from my baby. (Stress like that gets towed home with you, and I couldn't see trying to be an effective mother and constantly having my mind at the office. Far too many people neglect their families for the almighty dollar.) No one knows this, but right after he walked out of that meeting, I walked back to my desk and started packing up all of my personal belongings. I considered handing in my resignation that evening, but I decided to drive home, pray about it, cool off and only then decide on a plan of action.
The following day, I considered not going in. But... that side of me came out where I wasn't going to let someone get the better of me. So, trying to be mature about the whole thing, I went in. I guess I was in some way either expecting or hoping for an apology. After all, we had worked together very closely for almost 5 years. I lived for that company. I sacrificed for that company. I went to great lengths for that company. But... instead of an apology, or even an acknowledgement that I was present, I (and the two others) were completely ignored. Not even a hello. That sealed the deal. I knew I was done. So... I wrote my resignation letter. Unfortunately, this was right around Memorial Day, and when I went to hand my letter to my boss (the president of the company), he was gone. I decided to wait until the following week.
The following week came, and I hand delivered the letter. I was moments later called into his office. It came as a surprise to him, but he commented that he sort of expected it considering the baby was coming.... (I think he thought my plan was to stay home. I don't know.) I told him that I think it would be best to tell him the reason I'm leaving. So, I proceeded to tell him that his outburst was inappropriate and was a huge factor in my decision. I actually cried a little, I think because I felt like I was leaving a little piece of me. This company was close to my heart. I loved the partners (despite our differences), I loved the employees, and I loved being a part of all the big and little details that made it successful.
For the last two years, I had asked to divide my job. I was working as the HR manager and oversaw office management, marketing and communication materials, and administratively supported the partners. That was a LOT for one person. I was told to hire an assistant, but when I did (a year prior) she was snagged by another department. I don't think they thought I was serious about needing relief. That is, until they received my resignation. Suddenly, they went into a bit of a panic mode. They said they weren't sure where they would find someone who could do all that I had been doing for them. Duh. That's what I had been telling them! I just wanted to focus on HR, and let someone else do the marketing and office management. What then happened completely befuddled me. After conversations with the partners about my leaving, they came back with a proposal. They asked me if I would consider accepting an offer as a contractor for the marketing materials. That cracked me up! The very thing I wanted to let go of! Truly out of loyalty to the company and to my boss, I agreed. I figured it would only be for a short time until they could either train a new HR person to also take on the marketing (why not? I did it.), or they could recruit specifically for a replacement. (That would be two people... the very thing I had asked for the 2 years prior... See where I'm going with this?)
What was communicated to me was that they didn't value me until I decided to leave. Why I wasn't taken seriously at my prior requests, I can't say.
That was such a slap in the face. It spoke volumes. But I decided that to be a little self-serving would be ok under the circumstances. I could go on maternity leave, and work from home for a few months doing the marketing, and still have some income coming in. Kind of a perfect scenario.
Unfortunately, the 4 months I did that was extremely unproductive. My set-up didn't work well, I could rarely get connected remotely to do my job, and my requests for IT support went largely ignored. What would normally take 30 minutes ended up taking well over 3 hours. Ugh.
Needless to say, at this point, I was frustrated and angry. I probably lost a little self control during this time. I was pretty abrasive in the way that I handled it. I basically gave an ultimatum. It was either IT support, or I was gone. We all unanimously decided that it would be best for me to let it go. A rather large burden was lifted.
What's funny about this is that a part of me was really disappointed. I can't really say why. I think because deep down I really did love the company. I had some good years there. It was an awesome opportunity for me to grow professionally. It definitely had its challenges, but to this day, I'm very grateful for my time there.
Now... the other piece. The gal that was hired as my assistant (who was snagged by the another department) sort of became a friend. First, she was a Christian. It's pretty cool when you have the opportunity to share your faith at work and have another person relate to you in that way. Second, I saw two things in her: One was a passion for serving in the workplace, and the other was someone hurting. And, you know me, I always reach out to lonely people, and she sort of struck me as someone who needed a friend.
What I learned about her is that she, indeed, was hurting. I also learned that she really didn't have any friends because time and time again she had been burned. Burned by the churches she attended. Burned by friends who turned out to be someone other than who she thought they were. Burned by life's circumstances and poor choices.
She was VERY reserved in sharing her life with me. I kid you not. She had (has) some deep trust issues. In some ways, I don't blame her. Tough stuff.
Well... after I left my full time position, and was working from home, we, of course, stayed in touch. I made the mistake of venting my frustrations to her about the company. That was a mistake mainly because, selfishly, I didn't think about how that would affect her. She was still working there and was making the most out of the situation. She never really shared with me how my words made her feel, but my guess is that she was equally frustrated with me and probably felt very defensive. One thing that I said to her (in confidence) was that, really, I didn't want to continue working for them. If I had my choice (which, obviously, I did), I would prefer to just cut ties. But, out of respect, I accepted the part time position. (I think what I didn't articulate well was the fact that due to that respect, I wasn't just willing to help, but really wanted to help and wanted to contribute to their continued success.)
What I later learned was that somehow what got back to the company was that I didn't want to work there at all... And that's why my requests for IT support where largely ignored. Kind of came full circle in a way. This upset me on a number of different levels. One, because instead of ignoring me, the HR person should have called and said, "Hey, we both know this isn't working, so let's talk about an exit strategy." Two, because I felt like my trust in my friend had been compromised. And three, because I felt like I was coerced into meeting with my friend based on an intentionally underhanded move by the company.
That made me extremely angry.
And this is where it gets ugly.
I admit, and have admitted openly, that my mouth gets me in trouble. I would say out of all things that I have to repeatedly fall to the foot of the cross about, it's this. I went off about the entire thing (from the reason why I quit, to what I thought my friend had blabbed about) to a few people. And what's worse, I did it through email.
Ok, let me just stop to give a piece of advice. Don't vent through email, people. That's a seriously bad mistake. Email can get intercepted. It can be forwarded. It can be edited. If you're upset and need to vent, I would first vent to yourself. Then, maybe, to a person who you know will 1) talk you down, 2) be the voice of reason, and 3) point out all that is sinful in what you just said. But for God's sake (literally), do not vent via email. You never know whose hands that will get into and/or how it will be taken out of context. And particularly, do not vent to people who are notoriously negative themselves. This combination is lethal. Negativity breeds negativity. Nothing good ever comes out of a major bitch session.
Scripture teaches us: "The tongue has the power of life and death, and those who love it will eat its fruit." (Proverbs 18:21) And "The mouth of the righteous man utters wisdom, and his tongue speaks what is just." (Psalm 37-30)
That being said, I became exactly that which I loathe. I allowed my anger to get the better of me, and I vented. And boy did I vent. I can't even recall all that I said, but I'm fairly certain it spoke death and not life. I'm less concerned about what I said about the reasons I left - there was a lot of truth in that. But, I am concerned about what I said about the people involved. See, that's the problem with enraged fits. You don't always remember what was said, but your words live for a very long time after the fact.
I think I even tried to justify it all. Right about that time, my friend experienced some pretty serious spiritual issues. I'm not going to get into the details of that, but it sort of overshadowed the conflict we were having as a result of trust being damaged. (That is, my trust in her, not her trust in me. That comes later.) I tried to walk her through her issues, without knowing or understanding what they were. I reached out to her. I tried to console her. But her issues were far too complex for me. We spent time on the phone, where she vented her anger about God and such on me... I talked with a couple of pastors I work with to see what their suggestions were. She came to the event "Tough Questions. Real Answers", only to leave out of frustration for not having her questions answered. It was all very weird to me.
Finally, she sort of came out of it. Not sure of the details there, but she later sent me some messages that tried to explain it. And through it all, she was grateful for having me as a friend.
Yeah... so... you can see where this is leading.
After she quieted down a little, I brought up the issue that was never resolved regarding the trust I had that our conversations were in confidence. By this time, months later, she had also left her job at that company and moved to another state. This was her response:
"Let me have some time to digest your words. Off the top, I need to say I understand how you feel, I would feel the same way. Please know that I am not a gossip or any other type that engages in the behaviors you speak of. I believe that there is clearly a misunderstanding of what really transpired ... and what didn't. I remember being placed in a VERY difficult situation which - at the time - I knew would not turn out well no matter which way I chose to handle it. But, let me process a little before fully responding. I don't want to 'stuff it' but at the same time, it seems that talking more about it might cause more hurt feelings, simply because there has been so much time pass, and the difference in perspectives."
She went on to say that friends love at all times, and sometimes situations don't always come to a clear resolution, but friendships should be strong enough to withstand it.... I feel the same way. I know that she (once) believed that I do.
That was August 30, 2008. That was the last I heard from her. What happened between then and now, I don't know.
What I do know is that there is always a consequence for your actions. I know that I was less than gracious when I vented to other friends about the whole "I said, she said" situation. Did one of my emails get forwarded? ("This is who you think your friend is...") Did gossip get started as a result of my rampage? Did someone use my words and twist them just enough to make them even worse? It doesn't even matter. What matters is this:
"You use your mouth for evil and harness your tongue to deceit." Psalm 50:19
"Your tongue plots destruction; it is like a sharpened razor, you who practice deceit." - Psalm 52:2
"You love every harmful word, O you deceitful tongue!" Psalm 52:4
"Reckless words pierce like a sword..." Proverbs 12:18a
Why do you suppose that God inspired so many writings about our tongue? (Those cited above are only a tiny fraction.) Is it not because we, as fallen people, so easily allow our tongues to run away with its words? It's my worst indulgence. When I feel unnecessarily attacked, my first thought is retribution. How awful is that?
God gives us hindsight for a reason. This is where we learn and, hopefully, grow and change. I'm embarrassed. And now here it is for all of you to see. Yes, I'm being vulnerable. But, I think this stuff needs to be brought into the light if I'm ever going to really allow Jesus to grab hold of this vice and tear it from me! And I do so pray that when I feel the desire to "get even" that I would at the very moment cry out to Jesus and pray that I would respond in a Godly way.
I'm embarrassed. I'm ashamed. It doesn't even matter if I say that I'm sorry for what I wrote. (I honestly don't remember all the horrible things I'm sure I said... Another reason why such destructive word-marathons are so damaging.) She certainly wasn't deserving of all of that, despite whatever it was that she did that prompted it in the first place.
What's worse is I promised I would never be "that friend" who betrayed her. But, ironically, that's who I became.
And I hate that in people. I have a couple of friends who (yes, they are still friends) love to get even. Even if the other person didn't hurt them, per se, anger gets the best of them and they vomit word-daggers even to the point of sharing very personal things with people they shouldn't. I know this because I've heard them speak of their other friends. I can't imagine what they say about me when I'm not around. I've learned, though, that I don't share my most intimate secrets with them. Friends? To a point, I suppose. But, at this point in my life, I'm not necessarily interested in quasi-friendships. I want to know that the people I choose as friends are trustworthy. I find it incredibly ironic that I fail to meet my own criteria.
I wrote to her once that I never had to work so hard at being friends with someone. I mean... with all that she was going through, it really was exhausting. But for some reason, I never had a stronger desire to want to walk alongside someone. Nice way of showing it, huh?
Well, here we are months later and the company has gone through a HUGE transition. They lost a major client (which equates to the majority of their business), and, as a result, they had to make quite a few cut backs, including about 1/3 of their workforce. There are only a handful left (mostly the ones who have been there from the beginning). I haven't really kept in touch with anyone, and I don't see the point of trying. It's bittersweet. On the one hand, I truly am grateful for having had the opportunity to work with them. In some ways I miss it... But, on the other hand, I'm grateful for leaving when I did. I can't imagine the bitterness I'd have now if I had stayed. I'm glad to have released the burden of that place, and to be able to be fully present with my family and my sweet baby. I could not be half as effective as a wife and mom if I was still there.
If my friend should ever decide to contact me again, I think it would be fair to say that I have a lot of apologizing to do - whether or not that's the reason for the silence. She has gone to great lengths to cut ties - and I think rightly so. I'm probably deserving of that.
I think why this seems so relevant to me right now is because through the magic of Facebook, I've found some long lost friends from way, way back. One friendship in particular ended in a bitter fight some 20 years ago. Granted, it was in high school and you know high school girls. I was one once... But the lesson is just the same (only you would think that the lesson would be learned prior to mid-life). Sometimes you just have to look over the pettiness and come to a place of forgiveness. Then, when you look at the shared history, you can come to a place of understanding, and hopefully, it will lend itself to a deeper friendship in the end. I've had many friends who betrayed my trust in them, who said awful things about me that weren't even close to true. Some of those friendships are long gone. Some are alive and very well today. I try to be very generous with forgiveness. Lord knows we all need it.
My prayer for the last several months is that I would make the choice to hold my tongue and speak life. I'm all too aware of the havoc that is wreaked by a reckless tongue.
About 19 months ago, I left a job that I thought I loved. I was there for all-in-all 5 years, almost to the day, but, really, I'll just say I left just shy of 5 years, because the last 4 months didn't really count. More about that later. There were only a handful of people who knew the "real" reason I left. Most others thought it was because I was just about to give birth to my son, and we had decided that between the commute and the long hours, it just wasn't going to work for us. I suppose that is, looking back, a partial truth. (I can say with much gratitude that I don't have a 45 minute commute one-way, nor the long hours that are typically expected in a corporate position.) That was a welcome change. But the real reason I left was because after much reflection over the last 2 years I was there, and a series of events that transpired over the last few months, I knew that my values conflicted greatly with those of the owners. I had seen and heard a lot to make my stomach turn. From one senior manager who made racist comments about "black" employees, to another whose philosophy on hiring is the "HOFF" method (hire often, fire fast), to another who had little trust or confidence in most of his employees and often made rash assumptions about events that took place. The reactions to such things (I say reaction because there is a huge difference between reacting to something and responding to something) were frequently irresponsible and unprofessional. I observed many meetings where a department had been chewed out for their seemingly lack of communication, teamwork and adherence to company procedures. Those speeches were uninspiring to say the least. To top it all off, it was as if the company was trying to buy loyalty by paying increasingly high salaries. It's appreciated to a point. You sort of feel valued when you get a 6-10% increase with every performance review. But, after a while, when you get your ass chewed repeatedly, and told that you suck between the performance reviews, money will only go so far. Contrary to one partner's philosophy, not all people are motivated by money.
The last straw was when one of those speeches became directed at me and a couple of other employees. The three of us had basically called a meeting so that we could all, once again, get on the same page. It seemed over the course of a few weeks that what was communicated to one of us was completely different than what was communicated to another. I'm not sure what caused such an impulsive reaction, but we basically got yelled at, complete with table-pounding. (Looking back, I'm kind of amused by it. I've never seen such outburst in a professional environment before. I don't care what the reason was for it. It was inappropriate.) I was 8 months pregnant at the time. It dawned on me that dealing with that kind of stress just wasn't worth sacrificing my time away from my baby. (Stress like that gets towed home with you, and I couldn't see trying to be an effective mother and constantly having my mind at the office. Far too many people neglect their families for the almighty dollar.) No one knows this, but right after he walked out of that meeting, I walked back to my desk and started packing up all of my personal belongings. I considered handing in my resignation that evening, but I decided to drive home, pray about it, cool off and only then decide on a plan of action.
The following day, I considered not going in. But... that side of me came out where I wasn't going to let someone get the better of me. So, trying to be mature about the whole thing, I went in. I guess I was in some way either expecting or hoping for an apology. After all, we had worked together very closely for almost 5 years. I lived for that company. I sacrificed for that company. I went to great lengths for that company. But... instead of an apology, or even an acknowledgement that I was present, I (and the two others) were completely ignored. Not even a hello. That sealed the deal. I knew I was done. So... I wrote my resignation letter. Unfortunately, this was right around Memorial Day, and when I went to hand my letter to my boss (the president of the company), he was gone. I decided to wait until the following week.
The following week came, and I hand delivered the letter. I was moments later called into his office. It came as a surprise to him, but he commented that he sort of expected it considering the baby was coming.... (I think he thought my plan was to stay home. I don't know.) I told him that I think it would be best to tell him the reason I'm leaving. So, I proceeded to tell him that his outburst was inappropriate and was a huge factor in my decision. I actually cried a little, I think because I felt like I was leaving a little piece of me. This company was close to my heart. I loved the partners (despite our differences), I loved the employees, and I loved being a part of all the big and little details that made it successful.
For the last two years, I had asked to divide my job. I was working as the HR manager and oversaw office management, marketing and communication materials, and administratively supported the partners. That was a LOT for one person. I was told to hire an assistant, but when I did (a year prior) she was snagged by another department. I don't think they thought I was serious about needing relief. That is, until they received my resignation. Suddenly, they went into a bit of a panic mode. They said they weren't sure where they would find someone who could do all that I had been doing for them. Duh. That's what I had been telling them! I just wanted to focus on HR, and let someone else do the marketing and office management. What then happened completely befuddled me. After conversations with the partners about my leaving, they came back with a proposal. They asked me if I would consider accepting an offer as a contractor for the marketing materials. That cracked me up! The very thing I wanted to let go of! Truly out of loyalty to the company and to my boss, I agreed. I figured it would only be for a short time until they could either train a new HR person to also take on the marketing (why not? I did it.), or they could recruit specifically for a replacement. (That would be two people... the very thing I had asked for the 2 years prior... See where I'm going with this?)
What was communicated to me was that they didn't value me until I decided to leave. Why I wasn't taken seriously at my prior requests, I can't say.
That was such a slap in the face. It spoke volumes. But I decided that to be a little self-serving would be ok under the circumstances. I could go on maternity leave, and work from home for a few months doing the marketing, and still have some income coming in. Kind of a perfect scenario.
Unfortunately, the 4 months I did that was extremely unproductive. My set-up didn't work well, I could rarely get connected remotely to do my job, and my requests for IT support went largely ignored. What would normally take 30 minutes ended up taking well over 3 hours. Ugh.
Needless to say, at this point, I was frustrated and angry. I probably lost a little self control during this time. I was pretty abrasive in the way that I handled it. I basically gave an ultimatum. It was either IT support, or I was gone. We all unanimously decided that it would be best for me to let it go. A rather large burden was lifted.
What's funny about this is that a part of me was really disappointed. I can't really say why. I think because deep down I really did love the company. I had some good years there. It was an awesome opportunity for me to grow professionally. It definitely had its challenges, but to this day, I'm very grateful for my time there.
Now... the other piece. The gal that was hired as my assistant (who was snagged by the another department) sort of became a friend. First, she was a Christian. It's pretty cool when you have the opportunity to share your faith at work and have another person relate to you in that way. Second, I saw two things in her: One was a passion for serving in the workplace, and the other was someone hurting. And, you know me, I always reach out to lonely people, and she sort of struck me as someone who needed a friend.
What I learned about her is that she, indeed, was hurting. I also learned that she really didn't have any friends because time and time again she had been burned. Burned by the churches she attended. Burned by friends who turned out to be someone other than who she thought they were. Burned by life's circumstances and poor choices.
She was VERY reserved in sharing her life with me. I kid you not. She had (has) some deep trust issues. In some ways, I don't blame her. Tough stuff.
Well... after I left my full time position, and was working from home, we, of course, stayed in touch. I made the mistake of venting my frustrations to her about the company. That was a mistake mainly because, selfishly, I didn't think about how that would affect her. She was still working there and was making the most out of the situation. She never really shared with me how my words made her feel, but my guess is that she was equally frustrated with me and probably felt very defensive. One thing that I said to her (in confidence) was that, really, I didn't want to continue working for them. If I had my choice (which, obviously, I did), I would prefer to just cut ties. But, out of respect, I accepted the part time position. (I think what I didn't articulate well was the fact that due to that respect, I wasn't just willing to help, but really wanted to help and wanted to contribute to their continued success.)
What I later learned was that somehow what got back to the company was that I didn't want to work there at all... And that's why my requests for IT support where largely ignored. Kind of came full circle in a way. This upset me on a number of different levels. One, because instead of ignoring me, the HR person should have called and said, "Hey, we both know this isn't working, so let's talk about an exit strategy." Two, because I felt like my trust in my friend had been compromised. And three, because I felt like I was coerced into meeting with my friend based on an intentionally underhanded move by the company.
That made me extremely angry.
And this is where it gets ugly.
I admit, and have admitted openly, that my mouth gets me in trouble. I would say out of all things that I have to repeatedly fall to the foot of the cross about, it's this. I went off about the entire thing (from the reason why I quit, to what I thought my friend had blabbed about) to a few people. And what's worse, I did it through email.
Ok, let me just stop to give a piece of advice. Don't vent through email, people. That's a seriously bad mistake. Email can get intercepted. It can be forwarded. It can be edited. If you're upset and need to vent, I would first vent to yourself. Then, maybe, to a person who you know will 1) talk you down, 2) be the voice of reason, and 3) point out all that is sinful in what you just said. But for God's sake (literally), do not vent via email. You never know whose hands that will get into and/or how it will be taken out of context. And particularly, do not vent to people who are notoriously negative themselves. This combination is lethal. Negativity breeds negativity. Nothing good ever comes out of a major bitch session.
Scripture teaches us: "The tongue has the power of life and death, and those who love it will eat its fruit." (Proverbs 18:21) And "The mouth of the righteous man utters wisdom, and his tongue speaks what is just." (Psalm 37-30)
That being said, I became exactly that which I loathe. I allowed my anger to get the better of me, and I vented. And boy did I vent. I can't even recall all that I said, but I'm fairly certain it spoke death and not life. I'm less concerned about what I said about the reasons I left - there was a lot of truth in that. But, I am concerned about what I said about the people involved. See, that's the problem with enraged fits. You don't always remember what was said, but your words live for a very long time after the fact.
I think I even tried to justify it all. Right about that time, my friend experienced some pretty serious spiritual issues. I'm not going to get into the details of that, but it sort of overshadowed the conflict we were having as a result of trust being damaged. (That is, my trust in her, not her trust in me. That comes later.) I tried to walk her through her issues, without knowing or understanding what they were. I reached out to her. I tried to console her. But her issues were far too complex for me. We spent time on the phone, where she vented her anger about God and such on me... I talked with a couple of pastors I work with to see what their suggestions were. She came to the event "Tough Questions. Real Answers", only to leave out of frustration for not having her questions answered. It was all very weird to me.
Finally, she sort of came out of it. Not sure of the details there, but she later sent me some messages that tried to explain it. And through it all, she was grateful for having me as a friend.
Yeah... so... you can see where this is leading.
After she quieted down a little, I brought up the issue that was never resolved regarding the trust I had that our conversations were in confidence. By this time, months later, she had also left her job at that company and moved to another state. This was her response:
"Let me have some time to digest your words. Off the top, I need to say I understand how you feel, I would feel the same way. Please know that I am not a gossip or any other type that engages in the behaviors you speak of. I believe that there is clearly a misunderstanding of what really transpired ... and what didn't. I remember being placed in a VERY difficult situation which - at the time - I knew would not turn out well no matter which way I chose to handle it. But, let me process a little before fully responding. I don't want to 'stuff it' but at the same time, it seems that talking more about it might cause more hurt feelings, simply because there has been so much time pass, and the difference in perspectives."
She went on to say that friends love at all times, and sometimes situations don't always come to a clear resolution, but friendships should be strong enough to withstand it.... I feel the same way. I know that she (once) believed that I do.
That was August 30, 2008. That was the last I heard from her. What happened between then and now, I don't know.
What I do know is that there is always a consequence for your actions. I know that I was less than gracious when I vented to other friends about the whole "I said, she said" situation. Did one of my emails get forwarded? ("This is who you think your friend is...") Did gossip get started as a result of my rampage? Did someone use my words and twist them just enough to make them even worse? It doesn't even matter. What matters is this:
"You use your mouth for evil and harness your tongue to deceit." Psalm 50:19
"Your tongue plots destruction; it is like a sharpened razor, you who practice deceit." - Psalm 52:2
"You love every harmful word, O you deceitful tongue!" Psalm 52:4
"Reckless words pierce like a sword..." Proverbs 12:18a
Why do you suppose that God inspired so many writings about our tongue? (Those cited above are only a tiny fraction.) Is it not because we, as fallen people, so easily allow our tongues to run away with its words? It's my worst indulgence. When I feel unnecessarily attacked, my first thought is retribution. How awful is that?
God gives us hindsight for a reason. This is where we learn and, hopefully, grow and change. I'm embarrassed. And now here it is for all of you to see. Yes, I'm being vulnerable. But, I think this stuff needs to be brought into the light if I'm ever going to really allow Jesus to grab hold of this vice and tear it from me! And I do so pray that when I feel the desire to "get even" that I would at the very moment cry out to Jesus and pray that I would respond in a Godly way.
I'm embarrassed. I'm ashamed. It doesn't even matter if I say that I'm sorry for what I wrote. (I honestly don't remember all the horrible things I'm sure I said... Another reason why such destructive word-marathons are so damaging.) She certainly wasn't deserving of all of that, despite whatever it was that she did that prompted it in the first place.
What's worse is I promised I would never be "that friend" who betrayed her. But, ironically, that's who I became.
And I hate that in people. I have a couple of friends who (yes, they are still friends) love to get even. Even if the other person didn't hurt them, per se, anger gets the best of them and they vomit word-daggers even to the point of sharing very personal things with people they shouldn't. I know this because I've heard them speak of their other friends. I can't imagine what they say about me when I'm not around. I've learned, though, that I don't share my most intimate secrets with them. Friends? To a point, I suppose. But, at this point in my life, I'm not necessarily interested in quasi-friendships. I want to know that the people I choose as friends are trustworthy. I find it incredibly ironic that I fail to meet my own criteria.
I wrote to her once that I never had to work so hard at being friends with someone. I mean... with all that she was going through, it really was exhausting. But for some reason, I never had a stronger desire to want to walk alongside someone. Nice way of showing it, huh?
Well, here we are months later and the company has gone through a HUGE transition. They lost a major client (which equates to the majority of their business), and, as a result, they had to make quite a few cut backs, including about 1/3 of their workforce. There are only a handful left (mostly the ones who have been there from the beginning). I haven't really kept in touch with anyone, and I don't see the point of trying. It's bittersweet. On the one hand, I truly am grateful for having had the opportunity to work with them. In some ways I miss it... But, on the other hand, I'm grateful for leaving when I did. I can't imagine the bitterness I'd have now if I had stayed. I'm glad to have released the burden of that place, and to be able to be fully present with my family and my sweet baby. I could not be half as effective as a wife and mom if I was still there.
If my friend should ever decide to contact me again, I think it would be fair to say that I have a lot of apologizing to do - whether or not that's the reason for the silence. She has gone to great lengths to cut ties - and I think rightly so. I'm probably deserving of that.
I think why this seems so relevant to me right now is because through the magic of Facebook, I've found some long lost friends from way, way back. One friendship in particular ended in a bitter fight some 20 years ago. Granted, it was in high school and you know high school girls. I was one once... But the lesson is just the same (only you would think that the lesson would be learned prior to mid-life). Sometimes you just have to look over the pettiness and come to a place of forgiveness. Then, when you look at the shared history, you can come to a place of understanding, and hopefully, it will lend itself to a deeper friendship in the end. I've had many friends who betrayed my trust in them, who said awful things about me that weren't even close to true. Some of those friendships are long gone. Some are alive and very well today. I try to be very generous with forgiveness. Lord knows we all need it.
My prayer for the last several months is that I would make the choice to hold my tongue and speak life. I'm all too aware of the havoc that is wreaked by a reckless tongue.
Friday, December 26, 2008
Frankincence and Myrrh
Perhaps I have a long to-do list that I'm ignoring, and perhaps there are better ways to spend my time at the moment... But that's just the way I roll today.
My mother-in-law (lovingly referred to as Mamasan) is the queen of all things Christmas. She plays Santa better than anyone I know, primarily because her generosity is through the roof. She cracks us up with the way she must make everything perfectly even. If one person has 15 gifts, everyone must have 15 gifts. If one has more, she starts feeling guilty like the other person didn't get enough. Thus, the vicious cycle of Christmas shopping begins.
I feel like a kid again on Christmas. I remember last year (Christmas 2007) when Jeff (Scott's brother and Jeffrey's uncle and namesake) and Adriane (Jeff's wife) were able to join us for a late Christmas celebration. We all wandered out into the livingroom on Christmas morning to presents piled 3 feet high, 5 feet from the base of the tree. Pure craziness. You'd think that most of those presents would have been for Jeffrey - after all, it makes sense to spoil a child. But, no... They were all equally and fairly distributed amongst all of us. When we were done opening everything, it literally looked like a tornado whiffed through the house. Boxes, wrapping, bows, socks, toys, books, gift cards, candy EVERYWHERE! Poor J&A had to pack it all up and ship it back to Illinois.
So... that was the beginning of the Christmas Conservation Conversation. We decided that, since we're all adults, and we all pretty much have the means to buy what we want when we want it (within the working budget, of course), it makes more sense to just put a limit on the gift-giving. Mamasan was the first to say, "We should just give each other, like, one big gift... and stockings... Or maybe we shouldn't do stockings..." We all agreed. We would put the discussion off until next year when the shopping begins again.
Fast forward to 2008. Around September we started getting hounded for our Christmas lists. Ya know, "Dear Santa, I want a radio flyer and a Major Award for Christmas, Love, Johnnie" letter. This cracks us up every year. Four items won't suffice. We're talking about a list... a 2-page, 8 1/2 x 11 single spaced list of all the things we want or need. And if one person doesn't get their list in on time, the spouse of said person starts getting hounded with the email that reads something like this, "so-and-so won't respond to my emails, and you're always good about getting back to me, so what else does so-and-so want or need? What size shoe, pants, sock, shirt, and underwear is so-and-so? What brand deodorant does so-and-so use?" and out come the 20 questions worded just perfectly that you can't avoid answering specifically.
So, we gently reminded Mamasan of our brief Christmas Conservation Conversation from 2007, and that we were going to discuss in greater detail the rules of said Christmas Conservation Act. "I'm ready when you are..." So... weeks later, I finally gathered us together and said, "Ok, let's talk about the rules this year..." which was met with a "well, we have to have stockings... and why do we have to put a limit on everything... and that won't be any fun..." So... CCA is out the window for 2008.
Fast forward to Christmas morning. My family had plans for various things, J&A couldn't make it to see us this year, and Mamasan was working until about noon, so Scott, Jeffrey and I decided to meet Mamasan at her house in the afternoon with all the gifts and do Christmas at her house this year. (Keep in mind that she hasn't had a Christmas tree since she moved to Oregon, so when we helped her pick out her tree this year, she just about wiggled out of her skin from excitement. It only stood to follow that jolly-making would take place at her house, around her beloved tree.) We walked in and already (not even including the gifts we brought) were presents piled 3 feet high, 4 feet from the base of the tree. Seriously? How does this happen every year??? And like little kids in footy pajamas, we skipped and danced from the prospects of what-could-it-be and couldn't wait to tear into our 3 foot long stockings. Yes, you heard me correctly. HUGE stockings, taller than my son... plus another large gift bag full of the items that couldn't fit into stuffed stocking.
This is where we get our year supply of dental floss, toothpaste, body soap, shaving cream, socks, underwear, nail files, fingernail polish, hand sanitizer, deodorant, shampoo, conditioner, hand lotion, and razors, in addition to various gift cards and other stuff. Hilarious!
I kid you not, we had to take two trips back home because all the gifts couldn't fit in one. And we drive a CR-V which has plenty of room. Unbelievable.
So... needless to say, I didn't bring up the CCA for 2009. Why bother? There's no stopping her.
But... let me just say this. The biggest blessing of this year was cuddling on the couch with my beloved husband and darling little boy before any gift-giving started. I just recall last year when Jeffrey was so sick, and we all caught the flu, and we didn't even get our tree up until Christmas Eve... We're deeply blessed. I was overwhelmed by joy - to think that we've been given a home, secure jobs that we love, a family, a strong and happy marriage, health and life - not because we deserve it or even earned it. But just because God chose to bless us in that way. It's a beautiful thing. I'm very, very grateful and don't take it for granted. In a second, it could vanish.
So, yeah, Christmas was fun.
My mother-in-law (lovingly referred to as Mamasan) is the queen of all things Christmas. She plays Santa better than anyone I know, primarily because her generosity is through the roof. She cracks us up with the way she must make everything perfectly even. If one person has 15 gifts, everyone must have 15 gifts. If one has more, she starts feeling guilty like the other person didn't get enough. Thus, the vicious cycle of Christmas shopping begins.
I feel like a kid again on Christmas. I remember last year (Christmas 2007) when Jeff (Scott's brother and Jeffrey's uncle and namesake) and Adriane (Jeff's wife) were able to join us for a late Christmas celebration. We all wandered out into the livingroom on Christmas morning to presents piled 3 feet high, 5 feet from the base of the tree. Pure craziness. You'd think that most of those presents would have been for Jeffrey - after all, it makes sense to spoil a child. But, no... They were all equally and fairly distributed amongst all of us. When we were done opening everything, it literally looked like a tornado whiffed through the house. Boxes, wrapping, bows, socks, toys, books, gift cards, candy EVERYWHERE! Poor J&A had to pack it all up and ship it back to Illinois.
So... that was the beginning of the Christmas Conservation Conversation. We decided that, since we're all adults, and we all pretty much have the means to buy what we want when we want it (within the working budget, of course), it makes more sense to just put a limit on the gift-giving. Mamasan was the first to say, "We should just give each other, like, one big gift... and stockings... Or maybe we shouldn't do stockings..." We all agreed. We would put the discussion off until next year when the shopping begins again.
Fast forward to 2008. Around September we started getting hounded for our Christmas lists. Ya know, "Dear Santa, I want a radio flyer and a Major Award for Christmas, Love, Johnnie" letter. This cracks us up every year. Four items won't suffice. We're talking about a list... a 2-page, 8 1/2 x 11 single spaced list of all the things we want or need. And if one person doesn't get their list in on time, the spouse of said person starts getting hounded with the email that reads something like this, "so-and-so won't respond to my emails, and you're always good about getting back to me, so what else does so-and-so want or need? What size shoe, pants, sock, shirt, and underwear is so-and-so? What brand deodorant does so-and-so use?" and out come the 20 questions worded just perfectly that you can't avoid answering specifically.
So, we gently reminded Mamasan of our brief Christmas Conservation Conversation from 2007, and that we were going to discuss in greater detail the rules of said Christmas Conservation Act. "I'm ready when you are..." So... weeks later, I finally gathered us together and said, "Ok, let's talk about the rules this year..." which was met with a "well, we have to have stockings... and why do we have to put a limit on everything... and that won't be any fun..." So... CCA is out the window for 2008.
Fast forward to Christmas morning. My family had plans for various things, J&A couldn't make it to see us this year, and Mamasan was working until about noon, so Scott, Jeffrey and I decided to meet Mamasan at her house in the afternoon with all the gifts and do Christmas at her house this year. (Keep in mind that she hasn't had a Christmas tree since she moved to Oregon, so when we helped her pick out her tree this year, she just about wiggled out of her skin from excitement. It only stood to follow that jolly-making would take place at her house, around her beloved tree.) We walked in and already (not even including the gifts we brought) were presents piled 3 feet high, 4 feet from the base of the tree. Seriously? How does this happen every year??? And like little kids in footy pajamas, we skipped and danced from the prospects of what-could-it-be and couldn't wait to tear into our 3 foot long stockings. Yes, you heard me correctly. HUGE stockings, taller than my son... plus another large gift bag full of the items that couldn't fit into stuffed stocking.
This is where we get our year supply of dental floss, toothpaste, body soap, shaving cream, socks, underwear, nail files, fingernail polish, hand sanitizer, deodorant, shampoo, conditioner, hand lotion, and razors, in addition to various gift cards and other stuff. Hilarious!
I kid you not, we had to take two trips back home because all the gifts couldn't fit in one. And we drive a CR-V which has plenty of room. Unbelievable.
So... needless to say, I didn't bring up the CCA for 2009. Why bother? There's no stopping her.
But... let me just say this. The biggest blessing of this year was cuddling on the couch with my beloved husband and darling little boy before any gift-giving started. I just recall last year when Jeffrey was so sick, and we all caught the flu, and we didn't even get our tree up until Christmas Eve... We're deeply blessed. I was overwhelmed by joy - to think that we've been given a home, secure jobs that we love, a family, a strong and happy marriage, health and life - not because we deserve it or even earned it. But just because God chose to bless us in that way. It's a beautiful thing. I'm very, very grateful and don't take it for granted. In a second, it could vanish.
So, yeah, Christmas was fun.
Saturday, December 20, 2008
The Elfed-Up Version of the Matkovich Family
We like to get elfed -up every year for Christmas. Welcome to the Christmas 2008 version.
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
Yule Log
The word "log" cracks me up. I love the theme for Ren & Stimpy - "It's Log":
This one looks especially delicious:
No one will believe your TV is a fireplace. No one wants to watch 5 hours of looped video of someone else's gas fireplace on Christmas morning. And no one wants to slice into a cake that looks like a massive turd with fungus growing on it. Yummy.
People, seriously. Go without the yule log.
What rolls down stairsand over the chairs
and into your neighbor's dog?
It fits on your back,
It's good for a snack,
Everyone knows it's log.
It's log, it's log,
It's big, it's heavy, it's wood.
It's log, it's log,
it's better than bad, it's good.
And this time of year, there's all this talk about the yule log, which, according to Wikipedia (you know, the resource for all things you want to know, and since it's listed in Wikipedia, it must be true) is a large log (haha) that's burned at the hearth as part of a Christmas or winter celebration... perhaps pagan... Hmmmm... That's just what I want burning in my living room on Christmas morning. I would like to celebrate the birth of our Lord by burning pagan wood.
And apparently, this log is SO popular, there is even a channel dedicated to it from now until January 2, 2009: "Yule Log". Wow. It is so real. I'm certain that if I turned to that channel and left it there, when we have company they will totally think our television has miraculously turned into a fireplace. Awesome.
There are even cakes you can make to look like a yule log. Check it:
This one looks especially delicious:Yeah. I'd like a chunk of that on my plate, please.
Gross.
No one will believe your TV is a fireplace. No one wants to watch 5 hours of looped video of someone else's gas fireplace on Christmas morning. And no one wants to slice into a cake that looks like a massive turd with fungus growing on it. Yummy.
People, seriously. Go without the yule log.
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
Thanksgiving
I just tripped over the baby gate. I'm such a klutz. I could trip on air. And isn't it just like that when you're trying to be all quiet so that others in the house can sleep? I got the first leg over, but the second didn't quite make it, so my foot caught, which made me sort of fall over the top. I got my leg over just in time to catch me from falling on my face, but, of course, it made a huge thump, and then I couldn't catch my balance quickly enough, so into the wall I went, another thump. I started to giggle, so I ran down the hall really quick so my laughter wouldn't trail into the bedroom and wake Scott (as if the two thumps weren't enough). Ahhh. This is the way to start off a day.
I love lox. I just had two mini-bagels with lite cream cheese and lox for beefist. (That's "breakfast" to the layperson.) Along with my Emergen-C and prenatal. All is good. (Chill out. I've been taking prenatals for 2 years. No, I'm not preggers... I don't think.)
It's raining. Again. Shocker. I miss the sunshine in Colorado.
I am so freakin' swamped at work right now. I don't know what I was thinking taking almost 2 weeks off this time of year.
Tomorrow is Thanksgiving. This holiday has been weird the last few years. It used to be a big deal for me. It was always a huge celebration with family and friends - long tables with people all around, and gigantic buffets with all the traditional fixin's. Basically since living in Salem, it's become this tiny, pathetic afterthought. We are usually gone the week before to celebrate our anniversary, so by the time we get back, it's too late to invite a bunch of people over (because most people already have plans). I just found out yesterday that my sister is cooking a nice meal and my mom is headed over to her place... She said we could "stop by" if we wanted to. I'd by lying if I said I wasn't a little bummed about the fact that they didn't invite us over from the get go. I'm sure it doesn't mean anything, because I know we're welcome any time. My sinister and I are pretty close, and she adores my little guy. Scott and John (my sis's hubby) are pretty close, too. My mom, on the other hand, well... you know where we stand on that one from previous posts.
At any rate... Thanksgiving is kind of boring lately. I miss the big gatherings of friends and family with the massive spread of good eats. Scott's mom typically works on Thanksgiving (better pay). Two years ago, she came over for a late dinner (which we prepared - big spread - which is also where we shared the news that we were having a baby - Habeebee). Last year, we just cooked at her house - just the four of us - with a mini-spread waiting for her when she got home from work. This year, we're doing the same, only we're completely deviating from the American traditional to a traditional German - having literally nothing to do with Thanksgiving. Cuz, see, they don't have Thanksgiving in Germany; at least not the same holiday we have here. This should be interesting. Sour meat, sour potatoes, German salad.... I'm just hoping for a delicious German beer. Scott even bought cow tongue the other day. Apparently, Germans eat that. Gross. I pulled this gigantic tongue from the shopping bag and just thought, "Um... whatcha plan on doing with this?" I don't eat anything that can taste me in return. I just got the shiver-me-timbers.
Whine whine....
However, in the spirit of Thanksgiving - that is, in all things, giving thanks to our Creator, the one and only God - I have much to be grateful for. A few months ago, as you may remember, we were planning on putting our home up for sale. We're certainly ready for more space. However... together and separately when we prayed about it, we got this overwhelming sense that God wasn't leading us to sell. He wants us to stay put. Since we discussed it, we've discovered not only the potential in this tiny little home, but the warmth and joy that resides here. God has blessed us tremendously with a roof over our heads, gorgeous sunrises that we have the honor of witnessing every day (there is nothing but farm land behind us - facing east...), a huge kitchen where we can entertain comfortably... We're grateful for our health this year. (If you remember, last year, we were all terribly sick for over a month with flus, ear infections, colds, you name it. We didn't even get our Christmas tree up until Christmas Eve.) Jeffrey got his flu shot yesterday and handled it like the champ he is. We're so very, very happy as a family.
And, even while I whine about the lack of community (simply in comparison to what we're accustomed to), we really do have some wonderful friends here in Salem. I think about our old Bible Study (B.S.) where it all began - our dear friends Bob and Tiff (and little Josiah), Becky, and Lindsey and Ryan (with their three lovelies: Josephine, Georgia and Bjorn). We have such fond memories of our weekly potlucks, the uproarious laughter, the seriousness, and even a few tears that we all shared together as we all watched our lives unfold and families grow. We're grateful for our new friends, Dale & Susan. We can't express our gratitude for who they are, and the roles they play in our lives. They are kindred spirits and we love them deeply. We're grateful for Jeff & Kara, little Caleb (Jeffrey's BFF) and Sam (the newest Brown) - they're such kind people. We hit it off with them from day one! We're grateful for Annie & Bruce - for their friendship and humor. (Annie is seriously one of the most generous people I know. She is SO giving of her time and resources. She is like super-volunteer. I remember last year when Jeffrey was so, so ill, and I was trying to find Scott at work so we could take him to the doc, but we couldn't find him. Of course, as a new mom, I was freaking out, bawling my eyes out. Annie literally dropped everything she was doing and said, "Let's go." She went with me to the doc's office and basically held my hand through the whole ordeal. That's a good friend.) Then there are our other co-workers and friends - so many - that we just adore: Jennie, Steve, Rebecca, Bex, Laura, Logan, Greg, Kathy, Lynn, Michelle, Cindy, Lori, Paula, Susan, Jim, Barb, Robb, Tammy, Tim, Jon, Melissa, Diane and on and on and on.... We maybe don't have those super-deep friendships that we long for with everyone, but we have a handful. God has been so faithful to us. He has put people in our lives when we prayed for those friendships. God answered my prayer for an accountability partner (just a couple of weeks ago), and over time, we're building life-long friendships. Maybe they aren't coming as easily as we'd like, but we have them just the same. Perhaps Salem only sucks a little bit. :-)
I've mentioned nothing of all the friends from all over the US, far too many to list, but you all know who you are. The ones that come to the front of my mind today are my friend Sara, who makes me giggle uncontrollably and who is such a pillar of strength and tenderness (even though she tries to hide it!), my dear friend Kim, who is expecting her first baby in a couple of months, our old pastor Jim Andrews at Lake Bible (he plays an incredibly important role in Scott's life - I'm so very grateful for that), my old accountability partner in Montana, Melodie (and all her funny stories), my BF from Montana, Melissa (matron of honor at my wedding), and my BF from childhood, Heather (bridesmaid at my wedding - we've known each other for 34 years!!!), and of course all the friends from Chicago and Talbot - Brad, Dave & Christine (and Bennett), Kyle, Tim & Jamie (who are also expecting their first), Brian and IChing (also expecting their first), Shawn & Gretchen (Ransom, and expecting their first baby girl).... And Michelle from high school who is not only a trusted prayer warrior, but the queen of all things social! She has managed to gather all of us from Chaminade, and continues to be on the search for those who are perpetually MIA. She's amazing.
I'm grateful for those times that God wakes me in the middle of the night to remind me to pray for people - for expectant mommies, for jobs, for our dear pastor who is still at OHSU. Speaking of which, remember to read the updates at www.salemalliance.org. PRAISE that John is doing so much better, but please, I implore you, continue to pray for a diagnosis, for rest for both John and his dedicated wife Joanna (and their three kids), for the medical team, and for the God of Peace and Healing to do His miraculous work.
Today, I'm counting my blessings. I'm grateful for the friendships here and around the world. So many of you are serving across the world; thousands of miles apart, but so very very close to our hearts. I'm grateful for the family we have - for my mother-in-law (who truly is a mother to me, an incredible grandma to my darling boy, and who has us in stitches from all the funny crap she says and does).
Life is pretty darn good.
Except for the cats. They gotta go. Fidget barfed in our bedroom at 5:30 this morning. Lovely.
I love lox. I just had two mini-bagels with lite cream cheese and lox for beefist. (That's "breakfast" to the layperson.) Along with my Emergen-C and prenatal. All is good. (Chill out. I've been taking prenatals for 2 years. No, I'm not preggers... I don't think.)
It's raining. Again. Shocker. I miss the sunshine in Colorado.
I am so freakin' swamped at work right now. I don't know what I was thinking taking almost 2 weeks off this time of year.
Tomorrow is Thanksgiving. This holiday has been weird the last few years. It used to be a big deal for me. It was always a huge celebration with family and friends - long tables with people all around, and gigantic buffets with all the traditional fixin's. Basically since living in Salem, it's become this tiny, pathetic afterthought. We are usually gone the week before to celebrate our anniversary, so by the time we get back, it's too late to invite a bunch of people over (because most people already have plans). I just found out yesterday that my sister is cooking a nice meal and my mom is headed over to her place... She said we could "stop by" if we wanted to. I'd by lying if I said I wasn't a little bummed about the fact that they didn't invite us over from the get go. I'm sure it doesn't mean anything, because I know we're welcome any time. My sinister and I are pretty close, and she adores my little guy. Scott and John (my sis's hubby) are pretty close, too. My mom, on the other hand, well... you know where we stand on that one from previous posts.
At any rate... Thanksgiving is kind of boring lately. I miss the big gatherings of friends and family with the massive spread of good eats. Scott's mom typically works on Thanksgiving (better pay). Two years ago, she came over for a late dinner (which we prepared - big spread - which is also where we shared the news that we were having a baby - Habeebee). Last year, we just cooked at her house - just the four of us - with a mini-spread waiting for her when she got home from work. This year, we're doing the same, only we're completely deviating from the American traditional to a traditional German - having literally nothing to do with Thanksgiving. Cuz, see, they don't have Thanksgiving in Germany; at least not the same holiday we have here. This should be interesting. Sour meat, sour potatoes, German salad.... I'm just hoping for a delicious German beer. Scott even bought cow tongue the other day. Apparently, Germans eat that. Gross. I pulled this gigantic tongue from the shopping bag and just thought, "Um... whatcha plan on doing with this?" I don't eat anything that can taste me in return. I just got the shiver-me-timbers.
Whine whine....
However, in the spirit of Thanksgiving - that is, in all things, giving thanks to our Creator, the one and only God - I have much to be grateful for. A few months ago, as you may remember, we were planning on putting our home up for sale. We're certainly ready for more space. However... together and separately when we prayed about it, we got this overwhelming sense that God wasn't leading us to sell. He wants us to stay put. Since we discussed it, we've discovered not only the potential in this tiny little home, but the warmth and joy that resides here. God has blessed us tremendously with a roof over our heads, gorgeous sunrises that we have the honor of witnessing every day (there is nothing but farm land behind us - facing east...), a huge kitchen where we can entertain comfortably... We're grateful for our health this year. (If you remember, last year, we were all terribly sick for over a month with flus, ear infections, colds, you name it. We didn't even get our Christmas tree up until Christmas Eve.) Jeffrey got his flu shot yesterday and handled it like the champ he is. We're so very, very happy as a family.
And, even while I whine about the lack of community (simply in comparison to what we're accustomed to), we really do have some wonderful friends here in Salem. I think about our old Bible Study (B.S.) where it all began - our dear friends Bob and Tiff (and little Josiah), Becky, and Lindsey and Ryan (with their three lovelies: Josephine, Georgia and Bjorn). We have such fond memories of our weekly potlucks, the uproarious laughter, the seriousness, and even a few tears that we all shared together as we all watched our lives unfold and families grow. We're grateful for our new friends, Dale & Susan. We can't express our gratitude for who they are, and the roles they play in our lives. They are kindred spirits and we love them deeply. We're grateful for Jeff & Kara, little Caleb (Jeffrey's BFF) and Sam (the newest Brown) - they're such kind people. We hit it off with them from day one! We're grateful for Annie & Bruce - for their friendship and humor. (Annie is seriously one of the most generous people I know. She is SO giving of her time and resources. She is like super-volunteer. I remember last year when Jeffrey was so, so ill, and I was trying to find Scott at work so we could take him to the doc, but we couldn't find him. Of course, as a new mom, I was freaking out, bawling my eyes out. Annie literally dropped everything she was doing and said, "Let's go." She went with me to the doc's office and basically held my hand through the whole ordeal. That's a good friend.) Then there are our other co-workers and friends - so many - that we just adore: Jennie, Steve, Rebecca, Bex, Laura, Logan, Greg, Kathy, Lynn, Michelle, Cindy, Lori, Paula, Susan, Jim, Barb, Robb, Tammy, Tim, Jon, Melissa, Diane and on and on and on.... We maybe don't have those super-deep friendships that we long for with everyone, but we have a handful. God has been so faithful to us. He has put people in our lives when we prayed for those friendships. God answered my prayer for an accountability partner (just a couple of weeks ago), and over time, we're building life-long friendships. Maybe they aren't coming as easily as we'd like, but we have them just the same. Perhaps Salem only sucks a little bit. :-)
I've mentioned nothing of all the friends from all over the US, far too many to list, but you all know who you are. The ones that come to the front of my mind today are my friend Sara, who makes me giggle uncontrollably and who is such a pillar of strength and tenderness (even though she tries to hide it!), my dear friend Kim, who is expecting her first baby in a couple of months, our old pastor Jim Andrews at Lake Bible (he plays an incredibly important role in Scott's life - I'm so very grateful for that), my old accountability partner in Montana, Melodie (and all her funny stories), my BF from Montana, Melissa (matron of honor at my wedding), and my BF from childhood, Heather (bridesmaid at my wedding - we've known each other for 34 years!!!), and of course all the friends from Chicago and Talbot - Brad, Dave & Christine (and Bennett), Kyle, Tim & Jamie (who are also expecting their first), Brian and IChing (also expecting their first), Shawn & Gretchen (Ransom, and expecting their first baby girl).... And Michelle from high school who is not only a trusted prayer warrior, but the queen of all things social! She has managed to gather all of us from Chaminade, and continues to be on the search for those who are perpetually MIA. She's amazing.
I'm grateful for those times that God wakes me in the middle of the night to remind me to pray for people - for expectant mommies, for jobs, for our dear pastor who is still at OHSU. Speaking of which, remember to read the updates at www.salemalliance.org. PRAISE that John is doing so much better, but please, I implore you, continue to pray for a diagnosis, for rest for both John and his dedicated wife Joanna (and their three kids), for the medical team, and for the God of Peace and Healing to do His miraculous work.
Today, I'm counting my blessings. I'm grateful for the friendships here and around the world. So many of you are serving across the world; thousands of miles apart, but so very very close to our hearts. I'm grateful for the family we have - for my mother-in-law (who truly is a mother to me, an incredible grandma to my darling boy, and who has us in stitches from all the funny crap she says and does).
Life is pretty darn good.
Except for the cats. They gotta go. Fidget barfed in our bedroom at 5:30 this morning. Lovely.
Monday, November 24, 2008
Fall Family Portraits
Hey friends & family!
Hard to believe we're only a couple of days away from Thanksgiving. Funny how the holidays always sneak up on us every year. I think it's cuz we head off for a week (or more) of vacation for our anniversary every year, and return just in time to think about big meals, shopping, decorating and gaining another 5 pounds.
We had our fall pictures taken at the end of October with our beautiful and talented photographer. (You can visit her website at www.soulprintsphotography.com.) Once you click the link below, just enter the password: matkovich1118. You will then see the slideshow page. Simply click to play. You will have to wait for the slideshow to load, but that shouldn't take long. It depends on the speed of your internet connection. The slideshow will stay online for only 2 days so you'll need to visit it quick! Be sure to turn up your speakers and enjoy the show! Click here to view Slideshow
As mentioned, we just returned from our annual anniversary vacation. This year, we spent a week and a half in Colorado Springs. Scott and a couple of his coworkers were going for a class/convention thing put on by the national C&MA (headquartered there). So... since he was going anyway, I thought I'd tag along, and then just stay another week for vacation.
First, let me mention that traveling with a wildly independent toddler isn't as much fun as you might think! For the 4 days Scott was doing work stuff, I was chasing Jeffrey up and down the stairs at the resort. Up and down... up and down... There was this huge statue of a bear standing on his hind legs. Jeffrey liked to point on him, say "uh-oh" and give him a high five. Apparently, he's in good with the bears. Awesome.
He was also teething (again) during our stay. His eye teeth finally broke through. So now he has even more chompers all spread out across his slobbery mouth. I love his gappy little teeth!
Colorado Springs is insanely sunny. All the time. Literally. It's the perfect weather for us folks who like to be outside. We've determined that 8 months of rain isn't our favorite. So, we took full advantage of the sunny days in CO. Played tennis, took the little guy to a few parks, fed the geese (Jeffrey squealed when they plucked bread out of his hand), drove around to a few sites (which were not only a bit over-rated, but way overpriced for admission. $24 bucks PER PERSON to just go across the Royal Gorge Bridge. $19 per person to drive up to Pikes Peak. $9 per person to visit Seven Falls... Like any of those things are more spectacular than Multnomah Falls, Silver Falls or Mt. Hood, all of which you can visit for free in Oregon. Hmmm....) Probably the most active we've been on vacation in quite some time. (And probaby the first time we came home with less weight than we left with! We need to be in CO more often!)
Anyway, good times.
Two major dampers on the vacation, though. One, we learned that Jeffrey cannot be trusted in restaurants at this age. No more eating out as a family for a while. Two, as you know, our pastor's health went to the pooper for a few days. I'm happy to report that John is doing much much better, and while he certainly isn't in perfect health, we're so very grateful that he's alert and alive! Much to praise!
We returned home on Saturday evening, and were grateful to be back with our church family Sunday morning. It's hard to be away when trajedies happen at home.
All is well with us, however! We're still plugging along, grateful for dependable jobs, for our cozey little home, and for all of you.
Hopefully, we'll enjoy good health this holiday season and will be able to share a more joyous seasons this year! (Jeffrey is getting his flu shot tomorrow morning.)
Love to all of you! Hope you enjoy the fall pics!
Blessings,
Kyra, Scott and Jeffrey
Hard to believe we're only a couple of days away from Thanksgiving. Funny how the holidays always sneak up on us every year. I think it's cuz we head off for a week (or more) of vacation for our anniversary every year, and return just in time to think about big meals, shopping, decorating and gaining another 5 pounds.
We had our fall pictures taken at the end of October with our beautiful and talented photographer. (You can visit her website at www.soulprintsphotography.com.) Once you click the link below, just enter the password: matkovich1118. You will then see the slideshow page. Simply click to play. You will have to wait for the slideshow to load, but that shouldn't take long. It depends on the speed of your internet connection. The slideshow will stay online for only 2 days so you'll need to visit it quick! Be sure to turn up your speakers and enjoy the show! Click here to view Slideshow
As mentioned, we just returned from our annual anniversary vacation. This year, we spent a week and a half in Colorado Springs. Scott and a couple of his coworkers were going for a class/convention thing put on by the national C&MA (headquartered there). So... since he was going anyway, I thought I'd tag along, and then just stay another week for vacation.
First, let me mention that traveling with a wildly independent toddler isn't as much fun as you might think! For the 4 days Scott was doing work stuff, I was chasing Jeffrey up and down the stairs at the resort. Up and down... up and down... There was this huge statue of a bear standing on his hind legs. Jeffrey liked to point on him, say "uh-oh" and give him a high five. Apparently, he's in good with the bears. Awesome.
He was also teething (again) during our stay. His eye teeth finally broke through. So now he has even more chompers all spread out across his slobbery mouth. I love his gappy little teeth!
Colorado Springs is insanely sunny. All the time. Literally. It's the perfect weather for us folks who like to be outside. We've determined that 8 months of rain isn't our favorite. So, we took full advantage of the sunny days in CO. Played tennis, took the little guy to a few parks, fed the geese (Jeffrey squealed when they plucked bread out of his hand), drove around to a few sites (which were not only a bit over-rated, but way overpriced for admission. $24 bucks PER PERSON to just go across the Royal Gorge Bridge. $19 per person to drive up to Pikes Peak. $9 per person to visit Seven Falls... Like any of those things are more spectacular than Multnomah Falls, Silver Falls or Mt. Hood, all of which you can visit for free in Oregon. Hmmm....) Probably the most active we've been on vacation in quite some time. (And probaby the first time we came home with less weight than we left with! We need to be in CO more often!)
Anyway, good times.
Two major dampers on the vacation, though. One, we learned that Jeffrey cannot be trusted in restaurants at this age. No more eating out as a family for a while. Two, as you know, our pastor's health went to the pooper for a few days. I'm happy to report that John is doing much much better, and while he certainly isn't in perfect health, we're so very grateful that he's alert and alive! Much to praise!
We returned home on Saturday evening, and were grateful to be back with our church family Sunday morning. It's hard to be away when trajedies happen at home.
All is well with us, however! We're still plugging along, grateful for dependable jobs, for our cozey little home, and for all of you.
Hopefully, we'll enjoy good health this holiday season and will be able to share a more joyous seasons this year! (Jeffrey is getting his flu shot tomorrow morning.)
Love to all of you! Hope you enjoy the fall pics!
Blessings,
Kyra, Scott and Jeffrey
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