I believe what I believe

My eyes are burning! I can't tell if it's due to lack of sleep... or an abundance of emotion... or... the smog-smuggered sky ("The Lorax").


On Monday this week, I took a step of obedience and put in my resignation at the church. I've been here for almost exactly 3 years.... My last day is scheduled for June 4th (3 weeks).


I've been asked a few times now how I feel about it. The short answer is, "I feel good!" I know with all certaintly that this is what God was asking of me.

The longer answer is much more complicated. Unfortunately, it doesn't fit neatly into a God-shaped box, because as we all (hopefully) have learned, God doesn't like to be in a box. And just when we think we've found a box big enough to put Him into it, He shows us another piece of Himself that doesn't quite fit in there. And He isn't like clothes. You can't stamp or stomp or push or shove or cram Him enough to make Him fit.

I mentioned in several posts that God is up to something. We've known it for quite some time now. We've felt the ground beneath us begin to shake a little which was a sign to us that He was on the move. Unfortunately, we haven't had the privilege of knowing exactly how that will play out. What I do know is that for the last 4+ months or so (basically since the news that Scott lost his job, although, if I'm being honest, it was a few weeks prior to that) God asked us to enter into a special season of trust. His plan began to unfold just a tad, little by little. So that by the time we heard that Scott's position was being eliminated, we thought, "Well now... Isn't this interesting." (That story is here.) We both felt that God was asking us to completely unplug from pretty much everything. We stopped going to Bible Study... We didn't plan anything social. We didn't even attend church (except maybe twice). We just went into a time of focused prayer. Just us and God. Part of that was out of necessity... I mean, all we really had left was each other and Jesus. And part of that was out of desire to see God's Kingdom unfold - something we always talk about, and something that is so cliché in Christian circles, but isn't really lived out like we mean it (or that it was meant to be).


God presented us with a door... And we entered.


The last few months have been a rollercoaster, to say the least. Only a few people know the details of what has been happening, and even fewer have prayed with us and for us, and faithfully (and dutifully) invoked the power of God on our behalf.

I've been thinking about this a lot these last few days as I knew I would be turning in my resignation, and I knew the questions would come about where we are headed, what's next, etc. I knew that we weren't going to be sharing much, but I was really curious why. I didn't want our not sharing to be out of personal vendetta. So I asked God why...


Now, I don't know if you do this. But sometimes when you ask God a question, do you ever say to yourself, "I shouldn't ask that" for fear of the answer? Well... as you probably well know, my stupid mouth gets me in trouble all the time. And that was pretty much God's answer. He told me, in no uncertain terms, that He just needs me to SHUT UP long enough for Him to finish what He started.


Ouch. Really? Shut up? God, I don't think that's appropriate. Just sayin'.

Ok... yes it is. And the reason why is because I'm the kind of person that likes to (perhaps needs to) talk about everything constantly.... (I know, you're shocked, right?) And what God has shown me is that all that talkin' and all the comments that brings from others is a huge distraction for me. It makes me focus on others... on myself... on anything but God. And when He wants to do something radical, sometimes He just wants the focus on Him - not to mention all the glory going to Him. So, He simply asked Scott (and demanded me) to focus on Him, keep our mouths shut and allow Him to do what He does so well. We were (and will continue to be) very discerning about who we let into this part of our lives right now. We chose people whom we know to be wise and trustworthy servants, who could go to the cross on our behalf, seek God's will for us, and provide godly counsel, encouragement, affirmation, and accountability. (You know who you are! THANK YOU!)


He hasn't yet released us from this season. So there still isn't much we'll share about where God is taking us or what our next steps are. What I can say is that much of that is still unknown. We are still in very uncertain times. But one thing is for certain. God is providing for us. He is meeting our needs. He is giving us the desires of our hearts. And He is blessing us beyond measure.

Our prayer for the last year almost has been from Matthew 6:25-34:

"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?


"And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? So do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."

It's so easy to worry... Worry about money. Worry about how we'll make our mortgage payment. Worry about how we'll afford healthcare for a toddler who has incessant ear troubles, for a newborn baby whose health is still forming, for a husband and father who has high blood pressure that must be medicated, and (now) for a wife and mom who needs thyroid medication... Worry about how we'll sell our house. Worry about jobs. Worry about being loved and accepted... Worry worry worry. But... God tells us not to worry. Why? Because He loves us and will take care of us if we seek Him.

The part that really gets me is the "O you of little faith." Seriously... I don't ever want to be one of those people.


I'm suddenly reminded of Bill Engvall's bit on stupid signs... Specifically the one when he's talking about hemorrhoids and reading the directions on a tube of Preparation H. (Basically, he's making a joke about how the directions say where to apply the cream... as if you needed directions for that.) He said, "Dear Preparation H, I ate this whole dang tube, I still have these hemorrhoids. Man my mouth's so small... I cant even eat a jelly bean anymore. But I can whistle really good..."

How is this relevant? I have no idea. But here's the connection I made in my head (cuz this is how I roll, like it or not). "Man, my faith's so small...." It all goes back to putting God in a box. I don't like to put Him in a box, because He doesn't a) like to be in a box; and 2) belong in a box. But if I don't put Him in a box, shouldn't my faith be much bigger? (You should be nodding your head right now.) YES! It should be bigger.


And so... just like the old Onceler in The Lorax, I'm figgering on biggering and biggering and BIGGERING and BIGGERING my faith.

There's so much more to it, but I'm pretty much spent for the moment. What I want to leave you with is this. God has us on a wonderful journey of faith biggering. His Kingdom is being rolled out before us on a red carpet and it has been so fun and exciting (and painful) to walk so closely with Him during this season. I (we) will never, ever be the same. (Thank God for that!) And while there are no guarantees for our immediate future, and we've had to take steps of faith - anticipating that God will meet our needs in the coming weeks and months - we are completely at peace, full of hope and joy, and resting under the wings of the Almighty God, maker of Heaven and Earth!


If you're reading this and you haven't been one of the chosen few who know the ins and outs of the Matkovich family over the last several months, don't take it personally. Just rejoice with us in the good work that the Lord is doing! This season is not about us. It's about HIM. As we focus on Him, I pray that this, too, would be your story.


"It is the very truth of God and not the invention of man." Thank you, Third Day, for those lyrics.


Regarding my resignation, it is with a pure, joyful, happy, hopeful heart that I step down from my position. There is no bitterness, anger or resentment. The last three years have been a blessing to me and my family. God is just changing our path and we are determined to follow Him.

Shabbat Shalom

This morning I woke up with a song in my heart. I laid in bed just contemplating the goodness of God, and was moved to tears as I looked back over these last several months and how God has blessed us in amazing ways. I am overcome and overwhelmed. 


I can't wait to share all of the stories, and how every single prayer that we prayed (and didn't pray) has been answered. But for now, God is still asking us to be in silent communion with Him. There are a precious few who have been walking with us through this journey, faithfully praying for us, mourning with us, and celebrating with us. Just trust me when I say I have seen the Glory of the Lord - His Kingdom come, His will done on this earth! 


I had the wonderful privilege of visiting some wonderful friends in Colorado this past week. We haven't all been together since a wedding five years ago! Only now, instead of couples, we were families. We were Scott and the Picklebean shy of being complete. 


On Friday, we all came together to observe Shabbat. I held it together pretty well, but was on the verge of tears so many times as we took turns reading scripture, sharing in a beautiful Jewish tradition of observing the Holy Sabbath. I looked around the table and saw the faces of our community... the people we've been missing all these years since moving to Oregon - all of us gone our separate ways, to different parts of the country, reunited here in this place. My rants of the past just don't do it justice. I felt whole again - loved and accepted, cared for, welcomed and a part of something far bigger than myself. This is the Body of Christ. This is loving your neighbor as yourself. 


These are the people - our family, our precious friends - who know intimately all the details of our sufferings and our shortcomings, and yet still love us and accept us. We enjoy fellowship, brotherhood and sisterhood together. The husbands all went to school together, all participated in Shawn & Gretchen's wedding, and have built such a strong bond with one another - intellectually and beyond. Few men can hang with my husband on that level, but these are the guys who come together and equally challenge one another. And we, the wives, all similar (as apparently there is a special breed who date and marry men like this), loving each other just as deeply as the men. Truly a community. A village. There we were. Together again.


We knew a year and a half ago that God was about to move. He simply asked us to be faithful and follow him. We didn't know how or why or when. We just knew that we needed to keep our eyes open. Then, the hammering started. We were pruned and pricked and prodded and burned and bruised, but through it all we kept our eyes on Jesus. Then in January when Scott lost his job, God's plan for us began to be revealed. I said it here, just watch what God can do. We knew that God had a plan for Scott and the gifts that he has been given. God's plan will not be thwarted, even when others get in the way. Sometimes for us in our limited abilities the obstacles seem insurmountable. But not for God. He can make life with a single breath. Our troubles are nothing for the One who created the heavens and the earth.


Suffice it to say, Scott will be used. God hasn't revealed His entire plan, but He has revealed a portion. For the rest, we wait patiently, eagerly, joyfully. 



Our lives have never been so bathed in prayer - by us or by so many. I can only describe it as maybe we've showered our lives in prayer. Showering is good. But we've learned to bathe in prayer - to sink ourselves deep below the surface. Every moment. Every decision. Every day. Every blessing. Every request. On our faces before the throne of God, at the foot of the cross, allowing the blood of Christ to wash over us.


God is moving. He's holding our hands as we walk with Him in His Kingdom. This isn't some far-off notion that is saved for after our last breath on this earth is taken. It's for the here and now. And it's a beautiful place to be. Totally at peace. Full of expectation. Full of joy and hope. Awaiting with great anticipation.


In the past, when God called me, I would respond, "Is that you, Lord?" It was. Always. Just recently, when I heard God calling me, I didn't hear myself respond, "Is that you, Lord?" I responded, "Yes, Lord? I'm here." 


And so is He.


Hallelujah!