Journey of a Wigglebean

Super Bowl Sunday, February 1, 2009:
One day late. Not convinced as all evidence (save the tardiness of my monthly friend) pointed to yet another month of trying. I needed to run to the store to grab snacks and beverages for our annual gathering of football lovers, so I grabbed my 19 month old, and off to Wal-Mart we went. (Side note: I hate going to Wal-Mart unless it's before 8:00 am. Otherwise it's a frenzy of moms, children and shopping carts, long lines at the 3 open registers out of the 50 that exist, and gum stuck to every square inch of parking lot space.)
7:30 am - We arrive at Wal-Mart. I securely buckle my son into the shopping cart, and begin our trek into Super Bowl snack heaven. As my cart begins to fill with all the fixin's for hearty chili and beer, I decide to make a detour to the pharmacy for an EPT. Son, snacks, beer and EPT in cart, I've gathered all I need - ghetto style.
8:30 am - Return home. Greet sleepy husband. Begin delicious chili. Eveball the EPT... I think to myself, "Don't think about it..." Continue chili-making... Eyeball EPT...
9:00 am - Quietly steal away to the bathroom. Pee on stick and place gently on sink... Walk away.. walk away... walk away... But, I "accidently" peek at results window just as I'm turning off the bathroom light, and just as a second line is beginning to appear.
9:02 am - Contain excitement and just repeat to self: "Don't think about it.... Don't think about it...WOOHOO!!! Don't think about it..."
9:03 am - Supposed to wait 5 minutes. Can no longer stand the wait, so I eagerly enter bathroom, grab EPT and stare at results window.
9:03 + 30 seconds am - Jump and leap into living room where husband is enjoying a quiet cup of coffee. Scream at him, "WE'RE HAVING A BABY! WE'RE HAVING A BABY!" in between tears and jumping... He looks at me as though he is thinking, "Suspicions confirmed. My wife needs a straight jacket and a rubber room." I wave the EPT at him and try to say calmly (which still comes out as a scream), "WE'RE PREGNANT!!!!" The lightbulb goes off. He jumps off the couch into my arms saying, "Really?? Really??" All the while Jeffrey is staring at us wondering why his parents have gone loopy. Scott and I hug and as I'm bawling, I look at Jeffrey and say, "You're going to be a big brother!" Jeffrey has no idea what I just said, but sensing that it's something really great, he starts jumping up and down and clapping his hands.

Friday, February 6, 2009:
Cramping all week... Begin to experience some spotting (bleeding). Worried, I call my doctor. Message left... Wait... Wait... Wait...
9:08 am - A few minutes late to a meeting with boss and co-worker. Trying to keep my composure. I mention that I am expecting an important phone call and apologize ahead of time if I need to step out. Boss senses something is afoul.
9:30 am - Cell phone rings. I excuse myself from meeting. I explained to the nurse what was happening, and she tells me I need to come in to see the doctor. Appointment at 1:00 pm. Hang up. Take a deep breath. Return to meeting.
10:00 am - Meeting adjourns. Boss holds me back and asks if everything is ok. I tell him no... trying to hold in the tears. I repeat the story, and he prays for me. Grateful for prayer, I try to resume a normal day.
Noon - Scott and I head for Newberg to meet with my doctor. Mixed emotions... Trying not to fall apart...
1:00 pm - Enter Doc's office. Doc listens then performs pelvic exam. Comments, "This isn't good..." Then performs t/v ultrasound (which is a violation in itself!) and searches... Empty gestational sac appears irregular. Yolk appears regular. Doc comments that irregular gestational sac could be problematic. It's too early (4 weeks) to see a fetal pole or heartbeat. He requests blood tests (to test for hormone levels). He explains that hormones should double in about 2 days, and requests we return on Sunday for follow up test. If hormones don't rise, or worse, if they decline, a miscarriage is imminent. If hormones double, that's a great sign. If they rise just a little bit, we'll need to wait and see.
2:30 pm - Leave doctor's office feeling a bit numb and sad...
4:16 pm - Send update email to closest friends and prayer warriors. Ask for prayer.
6:00 pm - Arrive at Bible Study and fall apart.

Weekend seems really long. But... feeling encouraged.

Sunday, February 8, 2009 - Head back to Newberg for follow up blood test. Seems like a good morning. Had spent some time in prayer the night before and morning, and felt encouraged and peaceful.

Monday, February 9, 2009 - Midwife calls with results from blood test.
9:57 am - Send email to friends:

Just got off the phone with my midwife. News is bleak. My HCG levels went from 17582 on Friday to only 24495 on Sunday. We would have liked to see them closer to 35000. This is exactly what Dr. Johnson warned us about on Friday…. Unfortunately, this tells us very little. It doesn’t necessarily give us enough information to tell whether or not the pregnancy will continue. It does, however, tell us that a miscarriage is more possible.

So, we scheduled another ultrasound for this Thursday. This should give us a pretty definite answer one way or the other. Of course, we will be praying for the good news that the baby is developing well and we’re headed in the right direction. The bad news would be that the baby isn’t developing as it should and the ultrasound would indicate that a miscarriage is imminent. Even worse, it wouldn’t tell us when it would happen. My body could decide at any time – a day, a week… a month… There are “options”, I was told, but, obviously, unless there were life-threatening reasons, we reject all other options than just allowing my body to naturally go through whatever process it needs to go through.

I’ve been struggling with how to pray about this. On the one hand, I’m selfish and I want God to spare my baby and make everything peachy. On the other hand, if it’s God’s will to end the pregnancy, then I want to freely open my hands and surrender all that I have to Him – including my baby. So, I’ll just ask that you pray for God’s will to be done, that the ultrasound on Thursday would give us a distinct answer, and that between now and then we would be comforted by the peace which surpasses all understanding.

February 9-12, 2009
Days are difficult. Nights are even worse. I pray fervently that God would speak but He remains silent. My emotions are all over the place. I'm grateful for having been a part of this... but I'm distraught that what we've been waiting and praying for could be taken from us. Scott and I have a lot of great conversations during this time. He reminds me of who I am in Jesus and helps me put words to what I'm feeling. It's hard to explain, but I did feel a peace during this time. God was definitely present with me, albeit silent.
February 12, 2009, 11:30 am - Follow up t/v ultrasound. Between deep breaths, my name is called. Scott and I enter the dark exam room filled with huge equipment. This is serious technology! The technician excuses herself while I prepare for the exam... I sit on the edge of the exam table and ask God to meet me here. He tells me in a very clear voice, "All that you have is mine." I felt His presence in a very real way and He reminds me that this isn't about me. It's about Him. He told me, "Trust me." I felt a loving arm around me and my soul rests for the first time in 2 weeks. And I released the grip, and opened my hands. I didn't feel encouraged that everything would turn out my way, but it didn't matter anymore. I knew that God was in control and with me. In fact, I actually felt strongly that we would see nothing and that I would, in fact, miscarry. And it was totally ok. The technician entered and began the procedure.
11:50 am - Technician explains what we're seeing... (I'll spare you the details.) Very interesting... I've seen places on my body I didn't even know I had places! And then... we see the uterus... and a gestational sac... and seconds later we see a tiny fetal pole and beating heart!

The creation of a baby is the most amazing thing. Before there is anything that phsically resembles a human, we see a beating heart... The body - the head, the hands, the feet, every other organ - develops around this little beating heart. 5 weeks... a beating heart. Amazing.

We left our appointment, and you'd think I would be feeling excited and encouraged. But... I didn't. I felt like this was just the beginning of this journey. God's words were ringing in my ears, "All that you have is mine...." It's so true. God giveth. He taketh away. Who am I to question His motives? I just knew that I needed to walk with open hands, so held very loosely on to this baby.

12:56 pm - Send email update to friends and prayer warriors:

The only thing that really comes to mind at this moment is "Thank you, Jesus!"

Last night, I was laying in bed and I heard "Psalm 138"... So I turned my bedside lamp on, and flipped there. Psalm 138:3 says, "In the day when I cried out, You answered me, and made me bold with strength in my soul." Verse 7, "Though I walk in the midst of trouble, you will revive me..." This morning, as we were preparing for whatever news would come our way, I just felt Jesus' arms around me. I felt bold and revived. I was ready for whatever we would see or not see.

Friends, I am thrilled to report that today we saw a tiny little heartbeat - beating at 111 tiny beats per minute. Our baby is .46 mm... a little grain of rice - just exactly the size he/she should be at 6 weeks. I actually was not prepared for that... I was prepared to see an empty sac. The likelihood of a miscarriage has drastically decreased. Our baby is due October 10th.

Praise God! I'm grateful for these last couple of weeks as it has just, once again, reminded me of my need for a Savior. And I am grateful for the boldness He provides in times like these.

I cannot tell you how grateful I am for your prayers and hugs, as well. I wonder if the outcome would be different without them.

The report of today's ultrasound is being reviewed by "the experts", as they may see something different than what the tech saw today. My midwife will be giving me a call later... I'll let you know if there is anything to be praying for.

But for today, will you praise God with me? He is faithful and good.

I'm reminded of "I Surrender All"...

All to Jesus I surrender,
All to Him I freely give;
I will ever love and trust Him,
In His presence daily live.

I surrender all,
I surrender all.
All to Thee, my blessed Savior,
I surrender all.

All to Jesus I surrender,
Humbly at His feet I bow,
Worldly pleasures all forsaken;
Take me, Jesus, take me now.

All to Jesus I surrender,
Make me, Savior, wholly Thine;
Let me feel Thy Holy Spirit,
Truly know that Thou art mine.

All to Jesus I surrender,
Lord, I give myself to Thee;
Fill me with Thy love and power,
Let Thy blessing fall on me.

All to Jesus I surrender,
Now I feel the sacred flame.
Oh, the joy of full salvation!
Glory, glory to His name!

Friday, February 27, 2009, 2:00 pm - Began spotting... more heavily this time. I just shook my head in somewhat disbelief thinking, "Ok... here we go..." I called the doc's office and let them know the scoop. They asked me to come in at 4:20 for another ultrasound.

Asked another pregnant friend (who didn't know what all has happened) to come see me in my office. I told her I was pregnant again... She celebrated with me. Then I told her what had happened in the past and she mourned with me. Then I told her that it turned out ok and we saw the heartbeat, and she celebrated with me. Then I told her about the bleeding and she prayed and cried with me. Thank you, Jesus, for such great friends.

4:20 pm - Ultrasound performed. Baby is doing just great. Heartbeat is strong. The cause of bleeding is determined to be a subchorionic hemorrhage - where basically a blood vessel breaks just outside the placenta and, thus, causes some bleeding and pooling. Not "normal", but not unusual. I explain that I haven't really felt excited due to all the issues we've been experiencing. Doc tells me, "It's ok to pray for the outcome you want..." and follows with, "I'm VERY encouraged about this pregnancy..." Some excitement returns... Doc prints out picture of baby that makes me smile.

February 28-March 25, 2009 - Pregnancy is uneventful, aside from constant nausea and gagging... Coffee smells like sewer. Headaches every day. Sleeping is already a problem. I'm told that second pregnancies come with all kinds of fun stuff from showing earlier (see, your body remembers... and because the first pregnancy forever changed your muscle structure), to more cramps, to fatigue and a ton of other symptoms. This is new to me. My pregnancy with Jeffrey was wonderful. I had a ton of energy. I felt great (minus the nausea and gagging during the first trimester). I've never in my life felt so exhausted. All the time. The weeks just take it out of me - trying to work full time, chase a toddler around all evening, take care of a home and my husband. The weekends come and I just lay on the couch the entire 2 days. I take naps! Wha?? I've never been a napper. Ever. Naps are little morsels of heaven from the hands of Jesus himself. I crave pineapple, milk and (lately) apples. Oh, and bacon. But that's not unusual. I always crave bacon and fear I always will. But, I did discover (somewhat by accident) that bacon and chocolate make a great pair. Now, before you throw up a little in your mouth, just trust me on this. Savory and sweet... Professional chefs do it all the time, I have learned. Try it. You'll like it. Especially if you love bacon and chocolate, not necessarily in that order.

March 27, 2009, Noon - Hubby and I head to Portland (Providence St. Vincent's) for genetic counseling. Not that we think we need it, but really because our insurance covers it and it will (hopefully) give us peace of mind... not to mention another ultrasound... and lunch in Portland which is always better than lunch in Salem. I had to fill out some paperwork and answer questions about family history. When it asks about my general health, I wrote, "FAIR/Good". Then there were some questions about Scott and his family history. When it asked about his general health I wrote, "FAT". We laughed a lot. Then I changed it to "FAIR/GOOD".

12:30 pm - We finally get called (30 minutes late) to see our counselor. (Scott does a great impression of our geneticist...) We walk through our family history... and talk about things we never thought mattered, which, it turns out, they don't. Scott told her that I wrote "FAT" under his general health... We all laughed. I got my finger poked for some blood samples. And then we were shooed across the hall to the ultrasound room - another dark room filled with huge equipment.

Our tech walked in and we immediately loved him. He had a twinkle in his eye that told us he's a funny guy. So, sure enough, as we Matkoviches tend to do, we start bantering back and forth and having a great time. The tech loved it...he joined in... A lot of laughs that day. He performed the ultrasound (a real one this time, not a t/v ultrasound, which, as I mentioned, is a violation. Seriously.). Our baby has developed quite a bit in a month. He/She looks like a baby... And was very wiggly. The tech was trying to get a measurement of the back of the neck (a little section that, if swollen or enlarged, will increase the likelihood of chromosomal abnormalities), but baby was just flipping this way and that, back and forth, and then, WHOOPS, arms and legs over the head, and back again. It took him about 15 minutes to get the measurement, on which he commented, "The neck looks great." There's a sentence I thought I'd never hear.... It was great to see our Wigglebean so lively. I hope this is not an indication of what's to come.

Excitement returns.

We're so thrilled about adding to our family. Jeffrey points to my belly every day and says, "Baby!" He's excited too.

For those of you who have been walking with us during this up and down journey, thank you. We've felt your prayers and are grateful for the tears you have shed with us. We're finding our community.

Stories sure to come...