Accountability and Unconditional Love

So here goes another one of those middle-of-the-night-why-can't-I-sleep-mind-is-racing-cat-is-staring-at-me posts. These are my favorite. Not because I can't sleep, cuz that part pretty much sucks. But I like the random thought process. While it seems muddled, it's actually nights like these that I have more clarity of thought, and I'm amused at what I actually think about in the stillness of the night. It isn't nearly as profound as you might think. Although sometimes I'm quite amazed at my brilliance. Don't lie. You are, too.

I enjoyed a long lunch with a friend today. God is funny. Sometimes He's funny in a belly-laugh-wipe-the-tears-from-your-eyes sort of way. Other times He's funny in a what my husband refers to as "sad-clown" sort of way... In other words, peculiar. (Great... see? My 20 pound cat just HAS to be where I am. His butt is right in my line of sight to my screen. That's awesome. Why do I have cats? Please remind me.) I digress. For months now I've been contemplating why on earth God led us to Salem, Oregon, of all places. What this pit has in store for us seriously escapes me. Friendships are few and relatively shallow. (You've heard my rants on that one, but I won't get into that again for now.) My accountability partner and I sort of parted ways after a series of life events on both of our parts. There is still friendship there, but more on her side than mine, life just got in the way. (She actually is now feeling the tug of God again to draw her back to a more formal, disciplined engagement with Him. I don't really see that as a calling back to our relationship the way it was. Kind of sad, but I also know that God had (has) me on my own journey, which is the next thing I'll mention.) Since we parted company as accountability partners, I've prayed like mad that God would put someone in my life who could be that trusted truth-speaker. As the weeks turned into months, it was slightly discouraging, but I felt like sometimes a season of silence is good and it just reminds me of the sovereignty of God. Sure enough, I had the opportunity to hang out one Saturday with two friends (a couple) who we (Scott and I) admire and love so much. Scott was working that day... So it was just me and my little guy. You know how conversations just evolve from the not-so-serious to the serious, and back again? We were having one of those conversations. I just felt like, in the moment, with the topic we were on, that it was ok to share a few inner thoughts. It was kind of like sticking my toe in the water - not to see if they could be trusted because I already knew that. I talked about how I missed being accountable to someone (or someones) for a variety of reasons, but mostly because having a trusted Godly someone speak truth is one of the most spiritually fulfilling relationships I have. The growth is incredible. There are some tough things to talk through, and I don't always love what I hear, but it stretches me in fantastic ways. I've learned that it is incredibly vital to be a teachable person, and I love to learn what God would have me learn through the discerning eyes and ears of another person.

So, back to lunch, my friend approached me about entering into an accountability relationship with her. While we aren't in the same life situation (her kids are now grown and married with kids of their own), she felt that I would have wisdom to impart on her in other areas (outside of the family, for example professionally). That was flattering, first of all, to hear that someone 10+ years older than me would think that I might have wisdom to share about any life situation. I guess I always felt like my elders (meaning, pretty much anyone older than me) were the wise ones whose job is to lead us younguns along, and that our job, in turn, is to lead the younger younguns along. I let her know that I didn't necessarily expect a two-way street. I've heard of accountability being one-way (meaning that while one person is accountable in that relationship, the other person may have a different person that they are accountable to, and, thus, in this situation they act more as a mentor). She basically said that, no, she'd like a two-way accountability relationship. Ever since that Saturday, that same idea had popped into my head on more than one occasion. So it's neat that God would have spoken the same thing to my friend. I accepted her invitation, and we got to talking about when we'd meet, and when we'd start, etc. Prayer answered. Yea for me! Boy, right in the nick of time, too, because she jumped straight into speaking a little truth on a particular situation. Haha. She was (is) right about that, too. See how God uses people?

So today (yipes, it's 2:11 am) we're starting our 11 day vacation. We don't actually leave until tomorrow (Weds), but we're staying the night in Portland because it's just easier to grab a shuttle to the airport from a hotel in the morning than trying to rise and shine at the crack of dawn with a toddler in tow all while trying to lock up the house, pack the car, drive, contend with the crappy Oregon drivers, park in long-term parking at the airport, and hoof it with 300 pounds of luggage to check-in. I hate airports. Love to travel. Hate the getting there. Anyway, I'm looking forward to getting away from work for a while. I need time to contemplate. I can't contemplate when I'm constantly interrupted by emails, phone calls and drop-ins. I love my job, but it certainly doesn't lend itself to creative strategizing very often. I have so many balls in the air right now, any one of them could drop at a moment's notice. So... I need some re-energizing to keep them balls in motion.

Man, stocks bite right now. We have lost about 65-70% of our portfolio. Bummer. It's interesting to watch people respond to the economy. If that doesn't show where people store their treasures, I don't know what does. It just so doesn't matter to me. I mean, yes, it sucks that we've taken a huge hit. BUT that is so not where I find my hope. My hope is in Jesus. Not the economy, or the next president, or whether or not Measure 64 passed... Market trends are always up, so sooner or later it'll turn. Might we lose everything? I suppose it's a possibility. But, what have we really lost? It's just money. It's just a home. It's just a car. It's not our eternity. That's just junk we can't take with us anyway. I just don't get excited about these things. The market it was it is. It's awful that so many people are going through lean times right now - unemployment, lack of healthcare, credit card debt, foreclosures, stress about where the next meal might come. I pray that it turns for their sake soon. But if it gets worse before it gets better, I rest in the knowledge that God is moving. Unfortunately, sometimes it takes times like these to remind people of God's provision. (Of course, there are always those who blame God.) I'm so grateful for Jesus. Who or what else is steadfast?

My little boy is beautiful. I don't mean just his good looks (although, objectively, he is a lady-killer). I'm talking about his tender soul. The other evening we were wrestling around, and I was chasing him all over the house (a nightly ritual). I was sitting on the floor kind of watching him run around the couch when out of the blue, he ran over to me with his arms out just falling into my lap. He took my face in his hands and held my face to his, looking deeply into my eyes. Then, just so tenderly, he wrapped his arms around my neck and laid his head on my shoulder. I was dumbfounded. It was so sweet. And, that quickly, he was up again, running around the couch and giggling to his heart's content. He just stole a little moment out of his simple world to tell me in his own way that he loves and trusts me. It literally brought tears to my eyes. He's made in God's image. All that love, hope, joy and compassion all wrapped up in a tiny little package.

Jeffrey inspires me in a way that I've never experienced. I just don't care about chaos, drama and complexity anymore. I used to thrive on noise. I loved drama. I loved a good messy situation. I reject it all now. Having Jeffrey just wiped it all away - almost that quickly. I've experienced a childlike, raw need for simplicity and wonder. Do you still wonder?

As soon as Jeffrey was born, laying so tiny and quietly in my arms, I finally realized what God meant by unconditional love. We all throw the notion around pretty loosely and I wonder if people really know what it means. I thought I did, too. We walk down the aisle and we take the hands of our life-mate and vow to love unconditionally, in sickness and in health. But... do we really love unconditionally? Think about it. I'll bet the answer is a resounding no. Sure, you want to say yes. And your first reaction is to say yes. But... now... think about your expectations and your disappointments. Think about all the stupid fights you've had with your spouse - about how things weren't the way you wanted them. All those fights are over selfishness, you know. That's not unconditional. We have to choose every day, with every moment, to love to our spouse. Sometimes it's easy. Sometimes it's not. I've found after 5 years of marriage (7 years together, and another 2+ years as pretty darn good friends) that it gets easier. Scott and I share an incredible marriage. But I know that we have to work really hard at it. It takes dedication to love unconditionally, and many times we fail. Yep, we dust ourselves off and try, try again, but it's still work. Contrast that with the love we feel towards Jeffrey. He's done nothing to deserve our love. He pisses us off every day. He pleases and he disappoints, and yet we absolutely love him unconditionally. Truly unconditionally. It's easy to love him that way. It literally requires no effort on our part. We just love him. This is the way that Jesus love us. We're his children. His creation. I "knew" that cognitively. And what a great feeling it is to know that God loves that way. But... I never "knew" it experientially. That's a completely different way to know something. And now I know. It has completely transformed my relationship with Christ - the way I pray, the way I listen, the way I respond.

And speaking of love, can I just say that I am absolutely head over heels for my man? He is such an extraordinary person. I love the way his crazy mind works - the depth of thought and the utmost desire and passion to seek after and understand the Kingdom of God. He has a ferocious wit. He can make just about anyone belly laugh and say, "Hmmm" at the same time. He's actually quite complex, and so very very tender. He's affectionate and loyal, wise and clever, considerate and generous. He's strong - mentally, emotionally and spiritually. He's trustworthy and reliable. He's incredibly courageous. He's protective and determined. He's attentive and patient. He's a phenomenal cook. He's an amazing father and husband. He is passionate for Jesus and is one of the most Godly men I have ever had the privilege to know. He's a gift. He's my beloved, my best friend, my mate, my lover, my cheerleader, my supporter, my better half. I'm so grateful for every moment that I have with him.

I think I'll go give him a snuggle.