Welcome Home

Wow... It's already January 6th. What happened to the time? Christmas has come and gone. Decorations are all packed away, gifts have all been incorporated with the rest of our belongings, New Year's Eve flashed past us, and my 37th birthday tip-toed by.

Lots to cover in a short period of time, but I'll start with this. I'm a little shocked (or maybe not so much) that my last post created quite the stir. I received private emails from several friends who have experienced much the same thing here in Salem (or in Oregon, in general). I figured that we couldn't be alone in feeling this way, but I'm just wondering why isn't anyone talking about this? It's like the forbidden topic. Maybe no one is talking about it because we don't want to cause hurt feelings or feel like we're pointing fingers. (And I suppose now is a good time to say that that is NOT why I wrote that entry. Certainly, I don't want to cause hurt feelings or make anyone feel guilty. Additionally, it isn't that we are completely without friends. Yes, we have friends... My point is simply that "community" is done differently here - and in a way that apparently isn't suited for who we are, in particular.) But I'm just curious how you (if you're one of these people) are dealing with this experience. I mean, if you also feel lonely, excluded, etc. - especially if you've tried to connect - how are you coping? I'd love to get a feel for what you are going through. Sometimes we just need to acknowledge those feelings before we can do anything about it. In some ways it feels as though this is a one-size-fits-all type of place, where, in fact, one size does not fit all. It's just that no one really says anything, so now we have a bunch of disconnected, sad and lonely people running around. It sort of feels like high school in the sense that you have to act a certain way, talk a certain way, live a certain way if you want to gain acceptance into the "popular group." I'll make no apologies for not having any desire whatsoever to be anything other than who I am, and "being popular" doesn't hold the slightest interest for me. It makes me wonder if more people don't also feel this way, but they have caved into the pressure to "be like them". Have you?

So... thank you to those of you who privately and/or publicly acknowledged my last post. I especially want to thank my friend who lovingly goes by Twinkie for the lovely email, and for affirming who I am and confirming that I'm not a complete freak. I remember very well when we first met and we drove each other nuts. But once we learned that we weren't that different, we became pretty darn good friends. Isn't that so often the case? Maybe that's a piece of wisdom we can take with us on this journey; that if you take a little time to get to know a person, maybe you'll find that they are quite lovable just as they are. Personally, I don't want anyone to change just to "fit in." It isn't worth it. Just be who you are, who you truly are; not who you think you should be.

Also, I'd like to acknowledge those of you who told me that my last post made you think. Maybe you agree... maybe you don't... Maybe you didn't know there were people who felt this way... I don't know. Again, I don't write to convict - but I suppose it's good if you feel convicted and motivated to do something about it.

This year is a new opportunity to be welcoming and hospitable. Regardless of how others respond, I will once again offer up our prayer that God would bless our home and make it a place of refuge, joy, acceptance and peace for all who enter in. You are welcome in my home, and I pray that my family and my home will be a blessing to you.

Ignorance is better than facebook

Sometimes I just need to vent... and this is one of those times. One of those mornings, really. In fact, I had to change my music selection just so I could focus... haha (from my typical holiday montage to soundscapes).

First, I'm really annoyed at Walgreens. I love their online service for photos. I get my Christmas cards printed there every year. They have never once messed up my order. I can't wait to look at my pictures when I pick them up - I just stand at the photo counter going through them. Well... apparently my Christmas card list is WAY bigger this year. I'm not sure how that happened (or why), but I ran out of Christmas cards even after I dropped at least 20 people from the list. So, I ordered 20 more. We went to pick them up on the way to G-ma's house last night, and since we were in a bit of a hurry (Eden was about to have a meltdown and Jeffrey is going through this whiny phase that sucks even more in a small enclosed space), I didn't check them out. Oh, I did when we got to the car - but only the massive order of about 175 prints we made for Scott's dad. (He lives in Illinois with the rest of the extended family, doesn't have a computer, nor does he know how to use one, so he never gets the frequent updates or pictures or videos or anything really. So I made an album for him for Christmas which includes all of 2009... Fun! We just want him to feel like he's a part of the family.)

This morning I got up nice and early after laying in bed for a while thinking about things I probably shouldn't because they just get me all stressed and sad and a little pissed when I do. So I decided that instead of dwelling on such things, I should address the rest of my Christmas cards and, I don't know, finally get those in the mail before Christmas. I got all set up and spread out on my dining table (which has both leaves in it, making it about 9 feet long) when I opened the box and discovered some really darling Christmas cards with a dog and a couple in a boat. Lovely cards. But they are not mine. I know this because I don't have a dog, among other things.

So, I grumbled... and decided to log into Facebook to say hi to some friends. And this is where the venting really starts.

I'm convinced that while Facebook is a great place to stay connected with friends and people you love, sharing photos and videos and status updates and notes, etc, it's also a constant reminder to me of the lack of community that I seem to always be struggling with here in Salem. I know... You're thinking, "Seriously? Are we going there again?" Yes. I kind of feel like an addict in that by "going there" I'm relapsing. I've done so well these last several months. I've been on the happy wagon. But if I'm being completely honest I've really just haven't said anything to anyone about how I really feel (other than my hubbs because he feels the same way).

I am so sick of people calling me a "friend" when, in fact, we are not friends. Let's be honest here, people. Seriously. Think about what a "friend" is. I, personally, think that friends are people you share your life with; the ups, the downs, the in-betweens, your successes, your failures... Friends are people you spend time with - either planned or completely spontaneous. They are people you don't have to schedule into your life. You make time for them. You can call them out of the blue and meet up for coffee or for a playdate with the kids and somehow squeeze in a little adult conversation in between poopy diapers.

Scott mentioned to someone (keeping the identity as general as possible) the other day that we really haven't felt connected in Salem (after 5 years of living here) and feel like, for the most part, it's just generally lacking in community. Part of the frustration is the Church. (I use "Church" in the broader sense, not just in reference to the church we attend.) We ("we" being the Church) do community really poorly. For some, they fit right in. I'm not sure what it takes to be that kind of person, but for the rest of us, I guess we're just misfits. Cuz, see, we don't "fit" in. We just don't. I've sort of come to the conclusion that for some reason here in Oregon we are just different.

Anyway, this person responded that community takes the effort of both parties.

Wow. Such insight. Really? Ya think? That is profound.

Duh. I mean, really. Duh. Of course it takes two. Obviously. That's exactly my point.

We have tried and tried and tried... We have invited countless people over for dinner. We ask people to coffee. We've sent invites to meet up for drinks after work. We've invited singles, couples, families, kids to our home, to the park or wherever. We've even managed to get a few scheduled... as in, on the calendar.

It's REALLY disappointing but in almost all cases they've bailed at the last minute if they even took us up on the offer to begin with. Usually no one responds (if it's an open invitation) or our offer is declined due to every reason (excuse) you can imagine.

I cannot tell you how grateful I am for our Bible Study ("Meat & Potatoes", or The BSers). Actually, it's really the "core" that I'm grateful for. We've had people come and go, but it has always been the 8 of us that have really stuck. (Ok, 9, actually, but the 9th person has decided to move half way across the globe and go gallivanting all over the world. Giovanna, I LOVE YOU and MISS YOU!!!) And we're all so different. Scott and I are the youngest, and we range in age from early thirties to late fifties. No one would have EVER guessed that the 8 of us would become so close. If it weren't for our Friday night BS, I would be a pathetically lonely and depressed person. We have SO much fun together!

I sure do miss having friends on other days of the week. I can count on one hand the number of times we've been invited somewhere - to meet up for drinks, or to dinner out or in someone else's home, for playdates with the kids, a movie, or whatever - outside of our BS. I wish, I really wish, I knew why this is the case. I would like to think we're lovable people - our kids certainly are.

Ok... Here goes some vulnerability. I'm saddened by this. So sad that I've spent many nights crying alone. I'm used to being surrounded by friends. I'm used to feeling loved and accepted. I'm used to being invited to lots of things because people always found me to be warm and funny... When we left Montana, we heard (and still hear), "We miss you guys. Parties just aren't the same without you!"

I totally feel rejected here. Someone actually told me recently, "When things slow down in a few weeks, I'll have time to be your friend." It's funny that when I tell people that, they gasp and say, "Seriously? Someone said that?" Yes. Someone said that. And it pretty much confirmed to me that we must not be friends. It felt really, really crappy. I see this person a lot. They've always got stuff going on - dinners and movies with friends, family coming into town, visiting family out of town. They have people over... They are invited places... I know that all of these things weren't scheduled a year in advance. And I know that they can't possibly be THAT busy that we couldn't be friends if they wanted to be. You see my point? They just don't want to be. Oh, sure, they say they do. But let's be really honest here. If they wanted to be, that statement would have never been uttered.

And I think this is pretty much the case with most everyone we know. The irony is that we work at a church. HAHAHA Isn't that hilarious? We actually felt more connected before we started working there. (You would think that working at a church would actually bring us closer to community, not further from it.) We got involved 5 years ago when we first started attending that church, and made a few friends, etc. Then, we ended up getting involved in some other things, and through some life changes we had to pull out of a few things. The people we spent time with are no longer really a part of our lives. I don't understand this. Just because we're not serving together doesn't mean we can't be friends. I mean, we seemed to be pretty good friends beforehand. Again, it just feels like rejection. We've invited these same people over (game nights, Super Bowl, New Year's Eve, 4th of July, random BBQs, movies, dinners, drinks...) but they just don't come any more.

One thing I've observed a lot of over the course of the last year is that a lot of people just stay really busy with one another. But I rarely see any depth to those friendships. It's almost as if the busyness takes the place of having to share their lives. This is so not the way I do life. I want to share... deeply... I thought that's what community and friendships were all about. I thought that is how you feel accepted and loved and what not - that people want to be around you even when they really get to know you. Here, it's almost like people pull away if you know too much about them. What is that about? Don't people want others to know them? I mean, really know them?

Another thing I've observed is the amount of gossip that takes place. Good grief! Perhaps that's why no one wants to really share their lives. Maybe they've been conditioned to keep everyone at arm's distance because they've learned that by sharing, there's more to gossip about. I've been the butt of the gossip before. It sucks. Why is there a need to talk about people's private lives to others? Did you get permission to talk about that stuff? What purpose does this serve? If you've been trusted with information, count yourself blessed to be on the inside track. This is a special (and rare) place to be, and you should hold that information tightly and not share it with others, especially if you're using it to your own advantage. Is it really that big of a deal to "be in the know?"

I suppose that's why I feel so sad about this. I feel like I've put myself out there and the response is, "Nahh..." It isn't saying no to my invite to get together for coffee. It's saying no to me. It's saying no to my husband. It's saying no to my kids.

And if the lack of friendships isn't enough, this ridiculous Pac NW weather is the icing on the cake. I could do sad and lonely in the sunshine. But this rain and gloomy weather makes it ten times worse.

My phone is surprisingly silent all day, all evening and every weekend. The rare times it does ring, it's usually a friend from out of state checking in on us. Ahhh, warm fuzzies!

I think the big difference in talking about this today is that before I think I was just pissed about it. But now I'm not really pissed. I'm just really hurt. I realize that no matter how hard we try or how hard we don't try, it just is what it is. We can't change it. We can't change people. We can't make people want to be around us or invite us anywhere or say yes to the invitation to come into our lives. Neither of us have ever experienced anything like this before. So it leads us to believe that it really isn't "us". It's just that we don't fit into whatever Salem (Oregon, really) is. And frankly, if it requires us to just be busy and "be popular", I don't want it.

We have been praying fervently that God would lead us out of Oregon. With every passing lonely day, I just cling to the hope that God knows the desires of our hearts and will, in His timing, lead us back to where we belong. I committed to setting all of this aside several months ago and just praying about it. And it was kind of funny... I remember praying one day in sort of general terms I guess when God broke in and in a thunderous voice He told me, "It's ok to be specific." It really took me aback. I didn't realize that I wasn't being specific. But then I thought, "Ok. I'm going to be really specific." So, I was. And I have been. And God has met us in places and in ways I never would have thought to pray about. I won't go into specifics here because it's between me, my husband and our Heavenly Father... and the few others who know us well and have committed to pray with us on this journey. But what I will say is I'm excited. In the midst of a really gray time in our lives I'm excited for the future. I'm excited that Jesus is not just a savior, but, truly, a friend. He's shown me what it means to be a friend. And He's shown me hope.

It doesn't keep me from missing friends. I think it's ok to want friendships. I miss getting together with a girlfriend (or 5) for some morning shopping, or a cup of coffee, or a weekend away. I miss having double (or triple, or quadruple) dates with other couples. I miss having unannounced visitors at my door. (I miss having the kind of friends who are welcome to just walk in your home without waiting for you to answer the door.) I miss being able to just sit with someone in total silence, or being able to just cry when you need to, or laugh for no reason, or work through frustrations with and know that what you're sharing with them stays with them.

And that is the conclusion that I've come to. I've accepted that nothing will likely change for us here in Salem. But that's ok. I don't have any expectations of anyone. I will still invite people into my life. They can accept it or not. I will likely still feel rejected by my peers. But it's ok. It has brought me deeper into my prayer life, closer to Jesus than I ever have been, and open to the ways that God wants to mold me. (It's very humbling to see yourself in light of who He is.)

And this all comes back to Facebook. The fact that we have so much information about others at our fingertips is not all it's cracked up to be. Social networking. We Facebook because we all want a sense of belonging and community. I really enjoy reading everyone's updates and seeing pictures and videos of my "friends" and their families, I just realize all the more that in some ways, I liked my life better without Facebook - when I was much more ignorant of the fact that it isn't that my "friends" don't have time to be my friend. The truth is, they just want to be an acquaintance at best.

This probably isn't the last time I'll talk about this. It's a journey. It's real. It's what we're experiencing. It sucks.

But it is what it is.

The balloon pooped

I was just sitting in my kitchen, enjoying some downtime on the 'puter. Eden had been sleeping soundly until the last 5 minutes or so, when she started crying and fussing. Suddenly, she went silent... and I heard some odd squeaky noises coming from the living room.

This is how the conversation went:

Me: "Jeffrey, what are you doing?"

Jeffrey: "I change the diaper on there."

Me (as I'm getting up to go check on him, thinking he is trying to change Eden's diaper): "You're trying to change the diaper??"

I come around the corner to see him sitting behind Eden with a wet wipe laid flat on the floor and a little balloon on top of it.

Me: "You're changing the diaper on a balloon?"

Jeffrey: "Yes. The balloon pooped. I change the diaper on there."

I've never seen a balloon poop, but... ok.

I'm still not sure why Eden stopped crying for this, but my guess is she was as amused by it as I was.

Where does Jesus shop?

Jeffrey woke up from his nap today and said to me, "I wanna go see Jesus. I like his shirts."

Where do you suppose Jesus gets his shirts that are so memorable they would make an impression on a two-year old. Jeffrey has never commented on someone's clothes before (other than the color).

Now I want to see Jesus' shirts. I feel left out.

Jeffrey is a rock star

Ever since Jeffrey was in my belly, he's loved music. At church, he would just wiggle and kick like crazy during worship. When he was a baby, he would get excited during worship, or whenever we had music playing. My sister gave him a little toy piano when he turned one. I have video of him playing it, wiggling his hips like Elvis. I don't remember when he was given his toy guitar... He plays the guitar and piano all the time, all while singing whatever comes to mind. (Typically it sounds like "On and on and on and on, OHHHHH!!!!")

He started dancing as soon as he could walk. We tell him to shake his bon-bon and he starts to shake his butt. (SO cute!)

He and his friend Colton "crazy dance" on Tuesdays. You can imagine what that looks like. (It looks as it sounds...)

Jeffrey sings in the bathtub. He sings when he's reading. He sings when he's climbing on stuff. He sings when he's getting into mischief (which is pretty much constantly).

Scott has a Living Sacrifice t-shirt with the faces of the band members on it. Jeffrey will point to the drummer and ask, "Who's dat?"

Daddy replies, "That's the drummer: dun-dun-TSE-dun-dun-dun-TSE."

Jeffrey will point to the guitarist and ask, "Who's dat?"

Dad replies, "That's the guitarist: doo-doo-dooWEEEE!" (imitating a guitar sound)

Jeffrey will point to the lead singer and ask, "Who's dat?"

Dad replies, "That's the singer: WAAAAAHHHHH!!!" (kind of screaming/growling like the lead singer... Hey, it's heavy metal Christian. That's what it sounds like.)

Now Jeffrey goes around saying, "Dun-dun-TSE-dun-dun-dun-TSE... doo-doo-doo-WEEEE... WAAHHHHHHH!!!!!" It's hilarious.

The other day, he was playing his piano, when he handed me his guitar and said, "Mommy, play guitar!" He went back to the piano and played while he sang. I was trying to get it on video, but every time I stopped playing his guitar, he'd whip his head around and yell at me, "Mommy!! Play GUITAR!" He was very adamant. Later that day, he moved his piano to one of the end tables... kind of like a little make-shift stage.

When daddy got home, Jeffrey handed him two wooden spoons and told him to play the drums. We got ourselves a band!

Just today he wrote a song about how Newton died. Seriously. Out of nowhere, I hear:

Oh, Newton died

Oh, Newton died

Kitty

Kitty

Newt died

I don't know where he comes up with this stuff. Newton died like 3 months ago.

Good observations

Kids are hilarious. This morning Jeffrey was rocking Eden in the rocking chair. A few minutes into it, she started to fuss. I told him, "Honey, I need to feed the baby."


He replied in his usual matter-of-fact way, "Jeffrey feeds the baby," and then lifted his shirt and tried to shove his nipple into her mouth.

Last week, Scott went to pick up Jeffrey from school. When he got there, the teachers were sort of giggling and saying they have a funny story to share. Earlier in the day, Jeffrey was playing with this new doll house they got. His teacher found Jeffrey with his shirt up and the doll's face on his nipple. She said, "He notices!" Gee, ya think?

Every time I'm feeding Eden, he comes up and pokes me in the boob saying, "She drinks the milk in there! There's milk in there!"

I tell him, "Yes, honey, there's milk in there. Mommy makes milk for the baby."

He'll repeat, "Mommy makes the milk in there!" And then asks me, "Jeffrey try it?"

Um... no....

But today he said, "Jeffrey makes milk for the baby."

Um... no....

Secretly, I wish Jeffrey could make the milk for the baby. I'd get a lot more done that way.

The Arrival of a Wigglebean - Saga to March 30th Post

Every once in a while, I like to go back to read my past posts. It's nice to get a gauge on prayers and blessings this way... And it's also fun to laugh at past events. My life is a sitcom, seriously.

The opening statement has a point, but I'll come back to it...

Hard to believe that after all this waiting, the Wigglebean finally arrived. Ok, so I'm late making the big blog announcement. (I'm pretty certain that most people who read this are involved in my life and, thus, already know. If not, oh well.) Here's the scoop:

Just one month ago, after

just 3 hours and 18 minutes from the time my water broke at 10:31 pm October 10th, we delivered Eden Noelle Matkovich at 1:48 am, October 11, 2009. She was 9 pounds, 3 ounces, and 21 1/4 inches long.Eden has a massive tuft of black curly hair (apparently we have thick, dark curly hair on both sides of the family) and big hands with long fingers (my side). She is beautiful and already a good eater and sleeper!

I was extremely relaxed through the first 2+ hours, and hardly experienced any pain at all. The last hour was pretty intense, but I progressed so quickly that we really didn't have time to think about it. The docs and staff were running around prepping stuff as I was pushing, which was pretty funny looking back. The nurse said it was a picture perfect delivery, and our doc commented that I was in control the entire time. (I sort of lost perspective those last 10 minutes so I'm not sure what his definition of "control" is....) All in all it was a very beautiful experience, and I'm so grateful for HypBirth training that helped me stay so

relaxed throughout the ordeal. (I'll eventually write a post on the HypBirth experience, which will likely be way TMI for most people. In which case, don't read it.) Eden's shoulders got stuck. (Which, by the way, is the exact opposite of my prayer for a baby with small shoulders, exactly for this reason). I just remember the doc telling me, "Kyra, I need you to listen to me." I made eye contact with him, and the rest is a blurr. See, when you're concentrating on birthing a baby, you're not really paying attention to what's happening around you. But, the story, so I'm told, is that the doc said that the baby is stuck and I needed to help them get me into another position so that my hips would open more. Apparently, I did some sort of circus trick and flipped my legs up over my head, and POP, out came baby. Kind o

f funny hearing about that after the fact. It's impressive that I'm so flexible. (Note to self.)

Daddy is so proud... He already is doting all over his little girl.

Unfortunately, the birthing center adopted new policies during this flu season. We could only have 2 visitors - Scott being one of them. So, our plan to have Gramma bring Jeffrey to meet his sister had to be changed. It was nice to just be alone without a bunch of people coming in and out for a couple of days. I actually sent Scott home one night because baby was fussy and he wasn't getting any sleep. It didn't make sense to have both of us sleep deprived.

Jeffrey was introduced to Eden upon our return home on October 12th. (I'll post the video later.) He's been in love with her ever since. He LOVES, loves, loves his little sister. He always wants to hold her, kiss her... count her toes, pat her head, give her hugs. He tells me every time the baby cries. He laughs at her hiccups (which is often), and he likes to kiss her goodnight. It's so sweet.

So... I was re-reading past posts. I made the general announcement that we were pregnant on March 30th. It was quite the ordeal early on. We didn't know if we would lose our baby, and it seemed like we would in the early stages. It's funny to me that our baby was so wiggly from the beginning. All throughout the pregnancy, baby just wiggled constantly. And I mean CONSTANTLY. She wasn't a kicker... She rolled back and forth and flipped this way and that. I had forgotten that she was the same way during that ultrasound appointment in Portland, which is when we named her Wigglebean.

She is still a wiggly little thing. Her little arms and legs are always on the move. I can only imagine what life will be like when she starts to roll, crawl and walk. I'll need a leash!

Needless to say, I'm incredibly grateful. The Lord has brought us this beautiful gift. He held her in His hands from the beginning, told me (us) to trust Him, and a few months later we're holding this life in our arms. I'm surprised she didn't come out with a big red bow around her body. Thank you, Jesus.

So, what's life like with an infant and a toddler? I'll write more about that later. I'll just say this: I'm glad I can drink again. :-)