Hey friends & family!
Hard to believe we're only a couple of days away from Thanksgiving. Funny how the holidays always sneak up on us every year. I think it's cuz we head off for a week (or more) of vacation for our anniversary every year, and return just in time to think about big meals, shopping, decorating and gaining another 5 pounds.
We had our fall pictures taken at the end of October with our beautiful and talented photographer. (You can visit her website at www.soulprintsphotography.com.) Once you click the link below, just enter the password: matkovich1118. You will then see the slideshow page. Simply click to play. You will have to wait for the slideshow to load, but that shouldn't take long. It depends on the speed of your internet connection. The slideshow will stay online for only 2 days so you'll need to visit it quick! Be sure to turn up your speakers and enjoy the show! Click here to view Slideshow
As mentioned, we just returned from our annual anniversary vacation. This year, we spent a week and a half in Colorado Springs. Scott and a couple of his coworkers were going for a class/convention thing put on by the national C&MA (headquartered there). So... since he was going anyway, I thought I'd tag along, and then just stay another week for vacation.
First, let me mention that traveling with a wildly independent toddler isn't as much fun as you might think! For the 4 days Scott was doing work stuff, I was chasing Jeffrey up and down the stairs at the resort. Up and down... up and down... There was this huge statue of a bear standing on his hind legs. Jeffrey liked to point on him, say "uh-oh" and give him a high five. Apparently, he's in good with the bears. Awesome.
He was also teething (again) during our stay. His eye teeth finally broke through. So now he has even more chompers all spread out across his slobbery mouth. I love his gappy little teeth!
Colorado Springs is insanely sunny. All the time. Literally. It's the perfect weather for us folks who like to be outside. We've determined that 8 months of rain isn't our favorite. So, we took full advantage of the sunny days in CO. Played tennis, took the little guy to a few parks, fed the geese (Jeffrey squealed when they plucked bread out of his hand), drove around to a few sites (which were not only a bit over-rated, but way overpriced for admission. $24 bucks PER PERSON to just go across the Royal Gorge Bridge. $19 per person to drive up to Pikes Peak. $9 per person to visit Seven Falls... Like any of those things are more spectacular than Multnomah Falls, Silver Falls or Mt. Hood, all of which you can visit for free in Oregon. Hmmm....) Probably the most active we've been on vacation in quite some time. (And probaby the first time we came home with less weight than we left with! We need to be in CO more often!)
Anyway, good times.
Two major dampers on the vacation, though. One, we learned that Jeffrey cannot be trusted in restaurants at this age. No more eating out as a family for a while. Two, as you know, our pastor's health went to the pooper for a few days. I'm happy to report that John is doing much much better, and while he certainly isn't in perfect health, we're so very grateful that he's alert and alive! Much to praise!
We returned home on Saturday evening, and were grateful to be back with our church family Sunday morning. It's hard to be away when trajedies happen at home.
All is well with us, however! We're still plugging along, grateful for dependable jobs, for our cozey little home, and for all of you.
Hopefully, we'll enjoy good health this holiday season and will be able to share a more joyous seasons this year! (Jeffrey is getting his flu shot tomorrow morning.)
Love to all of you! Hope you enjoy the fall pics!
Blessings,
Kyra, Scott and Jeffrey
Monday, November 24, 2008
Sunday, November 23, 2008
He gives and takes away
Back from "vacation".... It's a bit of a stretch to call it vacation since traveling with a toddler really adds a whole new dimension to the experience. Needless to say, not so relaxing....
What's more, however, is that in our absence, our senior pastor, whose health has been more down than up the two weeks prior to our departure, took a turn for the worse a few days into our trip. He was sent back to the hospital (trip #2), but thankfully they sent him up to OHSU where he would be in the hands of the specialists.... (You can read about his progress on our church website at http://www.salemalliance.org/.) I won't go into his condition, but what I do want to say is that it was very difficult to be away during that time. We received phone calls from our co-workers and friends, literally in tears.... It's awful when your loved ones are hurting and you can't be there to help ease the burden. There wasn't anything we could do, aside from praying (and praying and praying), but the longing to just be there, to be present, with our church family was overwhelming. We were so blessed to have people give us the minute-by-minute details; information we coveted while we were so far away. It was difficult to enjoy our time when everyone we know is suffering so greatly.
We prayed. We prayed. We prayed. We continue to pray.
Scary times. Just a breath away from life or death.
But... I remember my dear friend, Todd Anderson, who lost his battle with melanoma a few years back. Just 36 years old, with a young wife and 6 month old baby who will never know her daddy, he was a pillar. Isn't it just like us silly Christians that, as his decrepit body lay, skin bulging from the numerous tumors that were eating him from the inside out, his family stood over him singing praises to God as he took his last breath. That's insane. That's a testimony to the hope that we have in Jesus! Who else welcomes a fleshly death? And not only welcomes it, but sings praises, worshiping the Creator! It's a delicate balance between mourning (because we won't see a smiling face every day) and rejoicing because he is now with his King.
When I pray for John, I can't help but plead with God for a miracle - for a complete, supernatural healing to take place and return him to us with a new zest and understanding of who God is that his ministry expands exponentially! But... I must also pray for God's will... I don't know what that is. How do you pray for God's will to be done, but in the very next breath that God's will is for life in the here and now? Which would glorify God more? I can't answer that.
We worshipped this morning with our church family:
Blessed be your name
Every blessing you pour out,
Blessed be your name
Blessed be your name
Every blessing you pour out,
You give and take away
What's more, however, is that in our absence, our senior pastor, whose health has been more down than up the two weeks prior to our departure, took a turn for the worse a few days into our trip. He was sent back to the hospital (trip #2), but thankfully they sent him up to OHSU where he would be in the hands of the specialists.... (You can read about his progress on our church website at http://www.salemalliance.org/.) I won't go into his condition, but what I do want to say is that it was very difficult to be away during that time. We received phone calls from our co-workers and friends, literally in tears.... It's awful when your loved ones are hurting and you can't be there to help ease the burden. There wasn't anything we could do, aside from praying (and praying and praying), but the longing to just be there, to be present, with our church family was overwhelming. We were so blessed to have people give us the minute-by-minute details; information we coveted while we were so far away. It was difficult to enjoy our time when everyone we know is suffering so greatly.
We prayed. We prayed. We prayed. We continue to pray.
Scary times. Just a breath away from life or death.
But... I remember my dear friend, Todd Anderson, who lost his battle with melanoma a few years back. Just 36 years old, with a young wife and 6 month old baby who will never know her daddy, he was a pillar. Isn't it just like us silly Christians that, as his decrepit body lay, skin bulging from the numerous tumors that were eating him from the inside out, his family stood over him singing praises to God as he took his last breath. That's insane. That's a testimony to the hope that we have in Jesus! Who else welcomes a fleshly death? And not only welcomes it, but sings praises, worshiping the Creator! It's a delicate balance between mourning (because we won't see a smiling face every day) and rejoicing because he is now with his King.
When I pray for John, I can't help but plead with God for a miracle - for a complete, supernatural healing to take place and return him to us with a new zest and understanding of who God is that his ministry expands exponentially! But... I must also pray for God's will... I don't know what that is. How do you pray for God's will to be done, but in the very next breath that God's will is for life in the here and now? Which would glorify God more? I can't answer that.
We worshipped this morning with our church family:
Blessed be your name
In the land that is plentiful
Where the streams of abundance flow
Blessed be your name
Blessed be your name
When I’m found in the desert place
Though I walk through the wilderness
Blessed be your name
Every blessing you pour out,
I turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say…
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be your glorious name
Blessed be your name
When the sun’s shining down on me
When the world’s all as it should be
Blessed be your name
Blessed be your name
On the road marked with suffering
Though there’s pain in the offering
Blessed be your name
Every blessing you pour out,
I turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say…
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be your glorious name
You give and take away
You give and take away
My heart will choose to say
Lord, Blessed be your name
It's tough to sing "you give and take away..." What if He takes away? I choose not to think of that right now - maybe refuse is a better word. I just have an overwhelming sense that when I pray, God's response is "I'm not through with him yet..."
I pray that through this intense suffering, the Spirit of God moves. And that even in the midst of an unconscious state John will feel the presence of the Lord in profound ways. I pray for precious moments of clarity while his wife looks after him so tenderly and selflessly.
And I pray that people realize what a blessing it is that we have John among us. It's such BS that it takes a tragedy for that realization to settle in.
All this to say, I'm grateful to be home with our church family. I gave a lot of hugs today... I received a lot of hugs today. The Body of Christ is an amazing thing. I pray that I never take that for granted.
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
Accountability and Unconditional Love
So here goes another one of those middle-of-the-night-why-can't-I-sleep-mind-is-racing-cat-is-staring-at-me posts. These are my favorite. Not because I can't sleep, cuz that part pretty much sucks. But I like the random thought process. While it seems muddled, it's actually nights like these that I have more clarity of thought, and I'm amused at what I actually think about in the stillness of the night. It isn't nearly as profound as you might think. Although sometimes I'm quite amazed at my brilliance. Don't lie. You are, too.
My little boy is beautiful. I don't mean just his good looks (although, objectively, he is a lady-killer). I'm talking about his tender soul. The other evening we were wrestling around, and I was chasing him all over the house (a nightly ritual). I was sitting on the floor kind of watching him run around the couch when out of the blue, he ran over to me with his arms out just falling into my lap. He took my face in his hands and held my face to his, looking deeply into my eyes. Then, just so tenderly, he wrapped his arms around my neck and laid his head on my shoulder. I was dumbfounded. It was so sweet. And, that quickly, he was up again, running around the couch and giggling to his heart's content. He just stole a little moment out of his simple world to tell me in his own way that he loves and trusts me. It literally brought tears to my eyes. He's made in God's image. All that love, hope, joy and compassion all wrapped up in a tiny little package.
As soon as Jeffrey was born, laying so tiny and quietly in my arms, I finally realized what God meant by unconditional love. We all throw the notion around pretty loosely and I wonder if people really know what it means. I thought I did, too. We walk down the aisle and we take the hands of our life-mate and vow to love unconditionally, in sickness and in health. But... do we really love unconditionally? Think about it. I'll bet the answer is a resounding no. Sure, you want to say yes. And your first reaction is to say yes. But... now... think about your expectations and your disappointments. Think about all the stupid fights you've had with your spouse - about how things weren't the way you wanted them. All those fights are over selfishness, you know. That's not unconditional. We have to choose every day, with every moment, to love to our spouse. Sometimes it's easy. Sometimes it's not. I've found after 5 years of marriage (7 years together, and another 2+ years as pretty darn good friends) that it gets 
easier. Scott and I share an incredible marriage. But I know that we have to work really hard at it. It takes dedication to love unconditionally, and many times we fail. Yep, we dust ourselves off and try, try again, but it's still work. Contrast that with the love we feel towards Jeffrey. He's done nothing to deserve our love. He pisses us off every day. He pleases and he disappoints, and yet we absolutely love him unconditionally. Truly unconditionally. It's easy to love him that way. It literally requires no effort on our part. We just love him. This is the way that Jesus love us. We're his children. His creation. I "knew" that cognitively. And what a great feeling it is to know that God loves that way. But... I never "knew" it experientially. That's a completely different way to know something. And now I know. It has completely transformed my relationship with Christ - the way I pray, the way I listen, the way I respond.
I enjoyed a long lunch with a friend today. God is funny. Sometimes He's funny in a belly-laugh-wipe-the-tears-from-your-eyes sort of way. Other times He's funny in a what my husband refers to as "sad-clown" sort of way... In other words, peculiar. (Great... see? My 20 pound cat just HAS to be where I am. His butt is right in my line of sight to my screen. That's awesome. Why do I have cats? Please remind me.) I digress. For months now I've been contemplating why on earth God led us to Salem, Oregon, of all places. What this pit has in store for us seriously escapes me. Friendships are few and relatively shallow. (You've heard my rants on that one, but I won't get into that again for now.) My accountability partner and I sort of parted ways after a series of life events on both of our parts. There is still friendship there, but more on her side than mine, life just got in the way. (She actually is now feeling the tug of God again to draw her back to a more formal, disciplined engagement with Him. I don't really see that as a calling back to our relationship the way it was. Kind of sad, but I also know that God had (has) me on my own journey, which is the next thing I'll mention.) Since we parted company as accountability partners, I've prayed like mad that God would put someone in my life who could be that trusted truth-speaker. As the weeks turned into months, it was slightly discouraging, but I felt like sometimes a season of silence is good and it just reminds me of the sovereignty of God. Sure enough, I had the opportunity to hang out one Saturday with two friends (a couple) who we (Scott and I) admire and love so much. Scott was working that day... So it was just me and my little guy. You know how conversations just evolve from the not-so-serious to the serious, and back again? We were having one of those conversations. I just felt like, in the moment, with the topic we were on, that it was ok to share a few inner thoughts. It was kind of like sticking my toe in the water - not to see if they could be trusted because I already knew that. I talked about how I missed being accountable to someone (or someones) for a variety of reasons, but mostly because having a trusted Godly someone speak truth is one of the most spiritually fulfilling relationships I have. The growth is incredible. There are some tough things to talk through, and I don't always love what I hear, but it stretches me in fantastic ways. I've learned that it is incredibly vital to be a teachable person, and I love to learn what God would have me learn through the discerning eyes and ears of another person.
So, back to lunch, my friend approached me about entering into an accountability relationship with her. While we aren't in the same life situation (her kids are now grown and married with kids of their own), she felt that I would have wisdom to impart on her in other areas (outside of the family, for example professionally). That was flattering, first of all, to hear that someone 10+ years older than me would think that I might have wisdom to share about any life situation. I guess I always felt like my elders (meaning, pretty much anyone older than me) were the wise ones whose job is to lead us younguns along, and that our job, in turn, is to lead the younger younguns along. I let her know that I didn't necessarily expect a two-way street. I've heard of accountability being one-way (meaning that while one person is accountable in that relationship, the other person may have a different person that they are accountable to, and, thus, in this situation they act more as a mentor). She basically said that, no, she'd like a two-way accountability relationship. Ever since that Saturday, that same idea had popped into my head on more than one occasion. So it's neat that God would have spoken the same thing to my friend. I accepted her invitation, and we got to talking about when we'd meet, and when we'd start, etc. Prayer answered. Yea for me! Boy, right in the nick of time, too, because she jumped straight into speaking a little truth on a particular situation. Haha. She was (is) right about that, too. See how God uses people?
So today (yipes, it's 2:11 am) we're starting our 11 day vacation. We don't actually leave until tomorrow (Weds), but we're staying the night in Portland because it's just easier to grab a shuttle to the airport from a hotel in the morning than trying to rise and shine at the crack of dawn with a toddler in tow all while trying to lock up the house, pack the car, drive, contend with the crappy Oregon drivers, park in long-term parking at the airport, and hoof it with 300 pounds of luggage to check-in. I hate airports. Love to travel. Hate the getting there. Anyway, I'm looking forward to getting away from work for a while. I need time to contemplate. I can't contemplate when I'm constantly interrupted by emails, phone calls and drop-ins. I love my job, but it certainly doesn't lend itself to creative strategizing very often. I have so many balls in the air right now, any one of them could drop at a moment's notice. So... I need some re-energizing to keep them balls in motion.
Man, stocks bite right now. We have lost about 65-70% of our portfolio. Bummer. It's interesting to watch people respond to the economy. If that doesn't show where people store their treasures, I don't know what does. It just so doesn't matter to me. I mean, yes, it sucks that we've taken a huge hit. BUT that is so not where I find my hope. My hope is in Jesus. Not the economy, or the next president, or whether or not Measure 64 passed... Market trends are always up, so sooner or later it'll turn. Might we lose everything? I suppose it's a possibility. But, what have we really lost? It's just money. It's just a home. It's just a car. It's not our eternity. That's just junk we can't take with us anyway. I just don't get excited about these things. The market it was it is. It's awful that so many people are going through lean times right now - unemployment, lack of healthcare, credit card debt, foreclosures, stress about where the next meal might come. I pray that it turns for their sake soon. But if it gets worse before it gets better, I rest in the knowledge that God is moving. Unfortunately, sometimes it takes times like these to remind people of God's provision. (Of course, there are always those who blame God.) I'm so grateful for Jesus. Who or what else is steadfast?
My little boy is beautiful. I don't mean just his good looks (although, objectively, he is a lady-killer). I'm talking about his tender soul. The other evening we were wrestling around, and I was chasing him all over the house (a nightly ritual). I was sitting on the floor kind of watching him run around the couch when out of the blue, he ran over to me with his arms out just falling into my lap. He took my face in his hands and held my face to his, looking deeply into my eyes. Then, just so tenderly, he wrapped his arms around my neck and laid his head on my shoulder. I was dumbfounded. It was so sweet. And, that quickly, he was up again, running around the couch and giggling to his heart's content. He just stole a little moment out of his simple world to tell me in his own way that he loves and trusts me. It literally brought tears to my eyes. He's made in God's image. All that love, hope, joy and compassion all wrapped up in a tiny little package. Jeffrey inspires me in a way that I've never experienced. I just don't care about chaos, drama and complexity anymore. I used to thrive on noise. I loved drama. I loved a good messy situation. I reject it all now. Having Jeffrey just wiped it all away - almost that quickly. I've experienced a childlike, raw need for simplicity and wonder. Do you still wonder?
As soon as Jeffrey was born, laying so tiny and quietly in my arms, I finally realized what God meant by unconditional love. We all throw the notion around pretty loosely and I wonder if people really know what it means. I thought I did, too. We walk down the aisle and we take the hands of our life-mate and vow to love unconditionally, in sickness and in health. But... do we really love unconditionally? Think about it. I'll bet the answer is a resounding no. Sure, you want to say yes. And your first reaction is to say yes. But... now... think about your expectations and your disappointments. Think about all the stupid fights you've had with your spouse - about how things weren't the way you wanted them. All those fights are over selfishness, you know. That's not unconditional. We have to choose every day, with every moment, to love to our spouse. Sometimes it's easy. Sometimes it's not. I've found after 5 years of marriage (7 years together, and another 2+ years as pretty darn good friends) that it gets 
easier. Scott and I share an incredible marriage. But I know that we have to work really hard at it. It takes dedication to love unconditionally, and many times we fail. Yep, we dust ourselves off and try, try again, but it's still work. Contrast that with the love we feel towards Jeffrey. He's done nothing to deserve our love. He pisses us off every day. He pleases and he disappoints, and yet we absolutely love him unconditionally. Truly unconditionally. It's easy to love him that way. It literally requires no effort on our part. We just love him. This is the way that Jesus love us. We're his children. His creation. I "knew" that cognitively. And what a great feeling it is to know that God loves that way. But... I never "knew" it experientially. That's a completely different way to know something. And now I know. It has completely transformed my relationship with Christ - the way I pray, the way I listen, the way I respond. And speaking of love, can I just say that I am absolutely head over heels for my man? He is such an 
extraordinary person. I love the way his crazy mind works - the depth of thought and the utmost desire and passion to seek after and understand the Kingdom of God. He has a ferocious wit. He can make just about anyone belly laugh and say, "Hmmm" at the same time. He's actually quite complex, and so very very tender. He's affectionate and loyal, wise and clever, considerate and generous. He's strong - mentally, emotionally and spiritually. He's trustworthy and reliable. He's incredibly courageous. He's protective and determined. He's attentive and patient. He's a phenomenal cook. He's an amazing father and husband. He is passionate for Jesus and is one of the most Godly men I have ever had the privilege to know. He's a gift. He's my beloved, my best friend, my mate, my lover, my cheerleader, my supporter, my better half. I'm so grateful for every moment that I have with him.
extraordinary person. I love the way his crazy mind works - the depth of thought and the utmost desire and passion to seek after and understand the Kingdom of God. He has a ferocious wit. He can make just about anyone belly laugh and say, "Hmmm" at the same time. He's actually quite complex, and so very very tender. He's affectionate and loyal, wise and clever, considerate and generous. He's strong - mentally, emotionally and spiritually. He's trustworthy and reliable. He's incredibly courageous. He's protective and determined. He's attentive and patient. He's a phenomenal cook. He's an amazing father and husband. He is passionate for Jesus and is one of the most Godly men I have ever had the privilege to know. He's a gift. He's my beloved, my best friend, my mate, my lover, my cheerleader, my supporter, my better half. I'm so grateful for every moment that I have with him. I think I'll go give him a snuggle.
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
All ye repent
Yesterday, 13 women gathered at one of our pastor's homes for a little young female leader retreat. It was an interesting day on a number of levels. I was the first to arrive, so I had the privilege of watching others as they arrived and settled in. It's fun to people watch... To see how people interact and respond to one another; who greets whom with a hug or a smile, where people sit, who they sit next to... The first thing I thought of while observing the hub-bub was what I've been pondering for the last several months - community. I'll refrain from elaborating on that subject for a while.
We spent the day discussing leadership (which is always the over-arching subject of this particular group). What really got me pumped up (or riled in some cases) was the dissertation that Nancy Hedberg (our guest) presented on women and men in ministry (specifically, the role of women in general), and how she related it to the relationship between Father, Son and Holy Spirit. (There actually wasn't any mention of the Spirit. The focus was more specifically on the equality of the Father and Son in both essence and function, and the similar relationship between men and women, and whether or not that perspective is biblical. That perspective being that women and men are equal in both essence and function.) I was pleasantly surprised to "get it" and that not only did I "get it" but I was able to flip right to passages in Scripture (and cross-references) as Nancy was talking. I guess being married to a philosopher is paying off...
So... while that was our day, there were other things that struck me, made me think, made me pray, made me repent... First and foremost, over the last couple of months I've had to contend with an increasing unsettled soul. Not just about community (although that is a piece of it), but about my attitude and trying to figure out why I feel so resentful about certain things. Many of these things are left undiscussed mainly because they pertain to my job and I can't openly discuss them here because that would violate the confidence of my position in HR... Unfortunately (and fortunately) I have a unique perspective in the organization and my ability to either vent or process in a verbal way is very limited for that reason. Back to the point... I've had to repent of my attitude. I know that life and death is in the power of the tongue, and I know (I KNOW) I have failed in my calling to speak in a way that would edify and bring glory to God's kingdom. That's a bitter pill to swallow. First, it's hard to just admit where I fail. (I think that's hard for anyone, but particularly for someone as stubborn as I.) Second, it means that I have to admit where I may have hurt someone because of the lashing of my tongue. Ouch.
It's easy to get caught up in a moment. It's difficult in that moment to stop and think very carefully about how my words may be construed (or misconstrued)... And, further, how those words may affect the listener (or reader), and then even further, how they may be passed on to others. Gossip. Hearsay. Email forwarding. Whatever. (By the way, this all relates back to character... On the subject of leadership, character can make or break your success. I think that's what struck me the most.) I have to question my motives... I don't think that my character, as it were, is questionable. But when I think back to moments of extreme stress, distress, anger and disappointment, my gut reaction (and sinful reaction) is to lash out with my tongue. I've learned over time that in most cases I can check it, but in many other cases it has gone unchecked... And as a result, it leaves destruction in its pathway. Sometimes apologies aren't enough. I can't unsay things I've said. I can't unsend things I've sent. I can't undo things I've done. All so very unfortunate because in the moment I'm not thinking of "others" - which is what I should be thinking about. I'm thinking very selfishly about myself and making ME feel better, letting ME vent my frustrations... Sometimes to the wrong people. Sometimes to the right people. But how do I know the right people are really the right people? I can't. And this just comes back to the point that words shouldn't be spoken (or written) if they aren't life-giving.
Sometimes it isn't even about what I really think or feel. I can easily recollect moments when I get swept into gossip by others and I add to the fire just be agreeing, or restating something they have said (call it peer pressure, or even self-pressure to "fit it"). When I hear this of others, I question, "Really? How old are they? Are we still in high school?" But... how slowly I am to think that of myself.
Sin. Selfishness. Arrogance. Bitterness. Rage. Hatred. God, take it from me! I don't ever, EVER want to be that kind of person, and yet I know that is me - even if just once in a while. It doesn't matter how infrequent that is me, if it happens just once since the last time I repented of it, it's still me.
I'm a total klutz. Everyone knows it. I do stupid crap all the time. Scott asks me, "Don't you have that little voice in your head that tells you not to do something?" My answer is always, "Well, yeah, but I don't listen to it." The same goes for my words. Don't I have that little voice (God) in my head telling me not to say something? Yeah... but I don't listen to it. Isn't that awful??? I listen once in a while, when I (I in bold) think I should. Not when God thinks I should. Or when another person might think I should. Again, selfishness.
I've hurt people with my words. That's a horrible feeling. I want to breathe life into relationships. My desire is that when people know me, they can count on the fact that I am a woman of noble character; that I am transforming into Christ's image and that I display His heart in all I say and do. My desire is for Christ, and yet I'm not certain that is how I present myself. Certainly, that is not the case always... But under pressure (whatever pressure that may be), when it really counts, who am I? Most of the time, my actions or words hurt inadvertently. And I'm so so grateful to those who are courageous enough to come to me when that happens. Sometimes it's a misunderstanding. Sometimes I just wasn't thinking clearly about how the other would interpret my actions (selfishness on my part). Sometimes I've purposefully been cruel.
I repent of all of that. I repent of life-sucking words, attitudes and actions. I repent of selfishness and arrogance. Move it far, far away from heart! Let me speak love and joy, truth and kindness!
If you're reading this and you're someone I've hurt, I'm so so sorry. Whether it was outright to you, or in a round about way, I'm sorry. I have no excuse. For those who love me anyway, in spite of my fallenness, thank you for allowing me the room to grow. (And for my husband who has to live with me daily, thanks for supporting me as I grow. I know it isn't always easy.)
So to you, repent repent! If God is speaking to you - whether a still small voice, or a slap in the head - listen! These are learning moments and opportunities to grow closer to our Creator.
2 Peter 2:10-11
Back to the foot of the cross.
We spent the day discussing leadership (which is always the over-arching subject of this particular group). What really got me pumped up (or riled in some cases) was the dissertation that Nancy Hedberg (our guest) presented on women and men in ministry (specifically, the role of women in general), and how she related it to the relationship between Father, Son and Holy Spirit. (There actually wasn't any mention of the Spirit. The focus was more specifically on the equality of the Father and Son in both essence and function, and the similar relationship between men and women, and whether or not that perspective is biblical. That perspective being that women and men are equal in both essence and function.) I was pleasantly surprised to "get it" and that not only did I "get it" but I was able to flip right to passages in Scripture (and cross-references) as Nancy was talking. I guess being married to a philosopher is paying off...
So... while that was our day, there were other things that struck me, made me think, made me pray, made me repent... First and foremost, over the last couple of months I've had to contend with an increasing unsettled soul. Not just about community (although that is a piece of it), but about my attitude and trying to figure out why I feel so resentful about certain things. Many of these things are left undiscussed mainly because they pertain to my job and I can't openly discuss them here because that would violate the confidence of my position in HR... Unfortunately (and fortunately) I have a unique perspective in the organization and my ability to either vent or process in a verbal way is very limited for that reason. Back to the point... I've had to repent of my attitude. I know that life and death is in the power of the tongue, and I know (I KNOW) I have failed in my calling to speak in a way that would edify and bring glory to God's kingdom. That's a bitter pill to swallow. First, it's hard to just admit where I fail. (I think that's hard for anyone, but particularly for someone as stubborn as I.) Second, it means that I have to admit where I may have hurt someone because of the lashing of my tongue. Ouch.
It's easy to get caught up in a moment. It's difficult in that moment to stop and think very carefully about how my words may be construed (or misconstrued)... And, further, how those words may affect the listener (or reader), and then even further, how they may be passed on to others. Gossip. Hearsay. Email forwarding. Whatever. (By the way, this all relates back to character... On the subject of leadership, character can make or break your success. I think that's what struck me the most.) I have to question my motives... I don't think that my character, as it were, is questionable. But when I think back to moments of extreme stress, distress, anger and disappointment, my gut reaction (and sinful reaction) is to lash out with my tongue. I've learned over time that in most cases I can check it, but in many other cases it has gone unchecked... And as a result, it leaves destruction in its pathway. Sometimes apologies aren't enough. I can't unsay things I've said. I can't unsend things I've sent. I can't undo things I've done. All so very unfortunate because in the moment I'm not thinking of "others" - which is what I should be thinking about. I'm thinking very selfishly about myself and making ME feel better, letting ME vent my frustrations... Sometimes to the wrong people. Sometimes to the right people. But how do I know the right people are really the right people? I can't. And this just comes back to the point that words shouldn't be spoken (or written) if they aren't life-giving.
Sometimes it isn't even about what I really think or feel. I can easily recollect moments when I get swept into gossip by others and I add to the fire just be agreeing, or restating something they have said (call it peer pressure, or even self-pressure to "fit it"). When I hear this of others, I question, "Really? How old are they? Are we still in high school?" But... how slowly I am to think that of myself.
Sin. Selfishness. Arrogance. Bitterness. Rage. Hatred. God, take it from me! I don't ever, EVER want to be that kind of person, and yet I know that is me - even if just once in a while. It doesn't matter how infrequent that is me, if it happens just once since the last time I repented of it, it's still me.
I'm a total klutz. Everyone knows it. I do stupid crap all the time. Scott asks me, "Don't you have that little voice in your head that tells you not to do something?" My answer is always, "Well, yeah, but I don't listen to it." The same goes for my words. Don't I have that little voice (God) in my head telling me not to say something? Yeah... but I don't listen to it. Isn't that awful??? I listen once in a while, when I (I in bold) think I should. Not when God thinks I should. Or when another person might think I should. Again, selfishness.
I've hurt people with my words. That's a horrible feeling. I want to breathe life into relationships. My desire is that when people know me, they can count on the fact that I am a woman of noble character; that I am transforming into Christ's image and that I display His heart in all I say and do. My desire is for Christ, and yet I'm not certain that is how I present myself. Certainly, that is not the case always... But under pressure (whatever pressure that may be), when it really counts, who am I? Most of the time, my actions or words hurt inadvertently. And I'm so so grateful to those who are courageous enough to come to me when that happens. Sometimes it's a misunderstanding. Sometimes I just wasn't thinking clearly about how the other would interpret my actions (selfishness on my part). Sometimes I've purposefully been cruel.
I repent of all of that. I repent of life-sucking words, attitudes and actions. I repent of selfishness and arrogance. Move it far, far away from heart! Let me speak love and joy, truth and kindness!
If you're reading this and you're someone I've hurt, I'm so so sorry. Whether it was outright to you, or in a round about way, I'm sorry. I have no excuse. For those who love me anyway, in spite of my fallenness, thank you for allowing me the room to grow. (And for my husband who has to live with me daily, thanks for supporting me as I grow. I know it isn't always easy.)
So to you, repent repent! If God is speaking to you - whether a still small voice, or a slap in the head - listen! These are learning moments and opportunities to grow closer to our Creator.
2 Peter 2:10-11
Back to the foot of the cross.
Friday, September 26, 2008
Happy dance
I love being a mom. I so enjoy watching my little guy grow and change every day. He'll be 15 months on October 4th. Hard to believe. I look back at some old ("old") pictures from when he was newborn, 4 months, 6 months, a year... My, my how he has changed! We just see traces of him in those pictures; through all the chubba on his cheeks and arms. He still has kankles - that hasn't changed. He's at such a fun age, too. He says "dah-TEE" (daddy), "ka" (kitty), "na-na" (bottle), and he once said "happy" quite clearly, but not since. He can almost say "quack" and "duck".
He has such happy feet. A few weeks ago, he started this little happy dance where he kind of tries to march, but instead of marching, he stamps his feet back and forth really fast. He does that to music (and then spins a few times before falling on his tushy), and when he's excited for something... And sometimes just because.
It makes me wonder what he's so happy about. Think about it. How great would it be to just break out in a spontaneous happy dance. I think about him throughout the day, and I've started to share the happy dance with my co-workers. Sometimes it's in response to a little success they experienced. Sometimes it's just to put a smile on their face.
Last holiday season (maybe the day after Thanksgiving), we dressed Jeffrey in his Santa suit and took him to Marion Estates (a nursing home where my mother-in-law works) for a visit. Really, we were there to visit the mom in law... but we discovered that Jeffrey's presence - merely being there - brought such joy to the hearts of the residents. There was one woman who just clapped and smiled, almost coming out of her skin, at the sight of him. We've noticed how he has that affect on people everywhere he goes. There is just something about him that evokes happiness in people. What a ministry! We pray all the time that God builds that in him, and that he never loses that "thing" that makes people smile.
I love my little man. I love his happy feet. I love the way he comes running into the kitchen when he hears the "ding" of the microwave (because he knows his bottle is ready). I love the way he babbles to himself in the morning when he's waking up. I love the way he splashes his bath water all over the floor, and giggles when he gets mommy wet.
What a joy. There's nothing like it.
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
Intervention Update
So, yeah, that worked like a charm. My mom has lost it. Seriously, lost it. Got an email from my sis letting me know that John (sis's hubby) went for a visit and discovered that she hasn't done a thing (in 3 weeks) AND she spent over an hour complaining about us and the work we've done. (She actually told him that the work we did in the front yard was "crappy." Um, yeah. Four people spent 5 hours (for a told of 20 man hours) working in her yard, pulling weeds, pruning and mowing, and she says we did a crappy job. That's hilarious.) That's 2 out of 3 rules broken. You guessed it, we're out. She was told what the consequences would be if she acted like that. I wonder if she thinks we were just blowing smoke? I don't know.
Good grief.
She apparently went for a counseling session. "A" counseling session. Yeah, like that'll get to the heart of her issues. She then told my sister that she wants us all to go to counseling together. HAHAHAHAHAAHAAhahahahaa.... Wow. TJ said, "You need to take care of your issues first." My mother actually said that she doesn't have any issues. TJ responded, "So, you're threatening suicide isn't an issue?" She just humphed.
I don't know what kind of counselor she's seeing, but either my mom is THAT good to be able to dupe a professional into thinking that her problems are actually "family" problems, or that counselor needs to find a new profession. That is just laughable. And so so sad.
My sister wrote a scathing letter... She hasn't sent it. I think it needs to be softened. The idea isn't to criticize her or make her feel horrible (the very things we are trying to prevent), but rather to be matter-of-fact about the consequences she now faces for talking behind our backs and criticizing our service to her.
I'm so glad that I dealt with this some time ago. I'm grateful for the ability to set strong boundaries and to see my mother in the light of the truth. This is who she is. I can't change her. I can only expect her to be who she is. Her words have no power over me. I no longer need her approval. It's very freeing to be able to keep a cool head in that way. Sure, her words can still hurt me (in the same way that any criticism would), but it doesn't affect who I am or make me feel worse about myself. In fact, it just makes me believe all the more in who God says I am.
I pray for my mother often. I pray that she would accept the love and forgiveness that Jesus offers her and that she would allow Him to heal the deep, gaping wounds that were left by the words and actions of her own mother. She is very pained and sad. I know that her anger and bitterness come from a place of intense pain. I wish she could experience joy and hope.
Good grief.
She apparently went for a counseling session. "A" counseling session. Yeah, like that'll get to the heart of her issues. She then told my sister that she wants us all to go to counseling together. HAHAHAHAHAAHAAhahahahaa.... Wow. TJ said, "You need to take care of your issues first." My mother actually said that she doesn't have any issues. TJ responded, "So, you're threatening suicide isn't an issue?" She just humphed.
I don't know what kind of counselor she's seeing, but either my mom is THAT good to be able to dupe a professional into thinking that her problems are actually "family" problems, or that counselor needs to find a new profession. That is just laughable. And so so sad.
My sister wrote a scathing letter... She hasn't sent it. I think it needs to be softened. The idea isn't to criticize her or make her feel horrible (the very things we are trying to prevent), but rather to be matter-of-fact about the consequences she now faces for talking behind our backs and criticizing our service to her.
I'm so glad that I dealt with this some time ago. I'm grateful for the ability to set strong boundaries and to see my mother in the light of the truth. This is who she is. I can't change her. I can only expect her to be who she is. Her words have no power over me. I no longer need her approval. It's very freeing to be able to keep a cool head in that way. Sure, her words can still hurt me (in the same way that any criticism would), but it doesn't affect who I am or make me feel worse about myself. In fact, it just makes me believe all the more in who God says I am.
I pray for my mother often. I pray that she would accept the love and forgiveness that Jesus offers her and that she would allow Him to heal the deep, gaping wounds that were left by the words and actions of her own mother. She is very pained and sad. I know that her anger and bitterness come from a place of intense pain. I wish she could experience joy and hope.
Sunday, August 31, 2008
Intervention
We did it. We intervened. "My name is Marilyn. M-A-R-I-L-Y-N."
Went to mom's yesterday to confront her on the house situation and her lack of participation in getting her out of the financial hole she's dug herself into. The four of us (sis, bro-in-law, hubby and I) had a talk with her about our boundaries and the ground rules for us helping her sort her stuff, all the paintings (over 200) and get the house ready to sell quickly. Every time we go it's a huge fight... The last two times were awful. (The last time was the worst. I went off on her... She bawled and through the tears said, "I just have one question. Do you want me alive, or do you want me dead? Because I can make either happen easily." Give me a fricken break. I just told her that I won't even honor that question with an answer. She said, "That's your answer." I said, "No, I won't answer that because it's a ridiculous question." At the end of our time there helping her sort all the paintings to get them ready to sell (to a gallery that I contacted) she told me "screw you" as I left. That's nice.) So, we're pretty much over it. We had basically three conditions: 1) She must own the process and participate. If she doesn't do anything, we don't do anything. 2) She needs to be respectful of us, and truly be grateful with us for what we're willing to do to serve her. As soon as we even hint that she is ungrateful, we're out. 3) There will be no arguments. We don't have time to sit and argue and listen to her complain about everything. We won't engage with her in that manner, and if she chooses to engage in argument, we'll just leave. She, in turn, had a couple of ground rules of her own. 1) She wants input into the work we're doing. And 2) she wants to be able to say what is kept, thrown out or sold. We all agreed to the terms. We made it very clear to her that the process is in her hands and that she has control of the outcome. (She can be nice to us through the process, and we'll be happy to labor for her. Or... she can blame and criticize, and talk about us behind our backs, and we'll be happy to let her handle it all herself - in which case she can't ever say that she "couldn't get anyone to help." See, I'm not willing to sacrifice my time with my family and the limited amount of time I already have with my precious boy to deal with a bitter, resentful, vicitimized person.)
She seems to have heard us, but we'll see how the next few weeks go! She (mother) actually had the nerve to argue with me about paint colors, etc. Right... so... the paint is free... Our labor is free. Everything we're doing is volunteer. Plus, she won't be living in that house for much longer anyway. Scott just told her, "Pretty much any paint color looks better than what's there." She agreed. Scott was awesome. He backed her into a corner on every point she tried to make. It was hilarious. She also said, "I've been trying for years to get people here to help me." Scott asked, "Who have you asked?" She said, "You guys." He said, "Hmmm, that's funny. Seems to me we've been down here helping you and every time you request that we do yard work. So, that's what we do, and now you're saying that you couldn't get anyone to help you sort through your stuff. So, how are we to blame when we did what you asked?" She said, "Yeah... that's true."
HAHAHA Oh, geez. This is such a joke.
Lord, help me if I ever become my mother.
Went to mom's yesterday to confront her on the house situation and her lack of participation in getting her out of the financial hole she's dug herself into. The four of us (sis, bro-in-law, hubby and I) had a talk with her about our boundaries and the ground rules for us helping her sort her stuff, all the paintings (over 200) and get the house ready to sell quickly. Every time we go it's a huge fight... The last two times were awful. (The last time was the worst. I went off on her... She bawled and through the tears said, "I just have one question. Do you want me alive, or do you want me dead? Because I can make either happen easily." Give me a fricken break. I just told her that I won't even honor that question with an answer. She said, "That's your answer." I said, "No, I won't answer that because it's a ridiculous question." At the end of our time there helping her sort all the paintings to get them ready to sell (to a gallery that I contacted) she told me "screw you" as I left. That's nice.) So, we're pretty much over it. We had basically three conditions: 1) She must own the process and participate. If she doesn't do anything, we don't do anything. 2) She needs to be respectful of us, and truly be grateful with us for what we're willing to do to serve her. As soon as we even hint that she is ungrateful, we're out. 3) There will be no arguments. We don't have time to sit and argue and listen to her complain about everything. We won't engage with her in that manner, and if she chooses to engage in argument, we'll just leave. She, in turn, had a couple of ground rules of her own. 1) She wants input into the work we're doing. And 2) she wants to be able to say what is kept, thrown out or sold. We all agreed to the terms. We made it very clear to her that the process is in her hands and that she has control of the outcome. (She can be nice to us through the process, and we'll be happy to labor for her. Or... she can blame and criticize, and talk about us behind our backs, and we'll be happy to let her handle it all herself - in which case she can't ever say that she "couldn't get anyone to help." See, I'm not willing to sacrifice my time with my family and the limited amount of time I already have with my precious boy to deal with a bitter, resentful, vicitimized person.)
She seems to have heard us, but we'll see how the next few weeks go! She (mother) actually had the nerve to argue with me about paint colors, etc. Right... so... the paint is free... Our labor is free. Everything we're doing is volunteer. Plus, she won't be living in that house for much longer anyway. Scott just told her, "Pretty much any paint color looks better than what's there." She agreed. Scott was awesome. He backed her into a corner on every point she tried to make. It was hilarious. She also said, "I've been trying for years to get people here to help me." Scott asked, "Who have you asked?" She said, "You guys." He said, "Hmmm, that's funny. Seems to me we've been down here helping you and every time you request that we do yard work. So, that's what we do, and now you're saying that you couldn't get anyone to help you sort through your stuff. So, how are we to blame when we did what you asked?" She said, "Yeah... that's true."
HAHAHA Oh, geez. This is such a joke.
Lord, help me if I ever become my mother.
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